The Best 69 Cucumber Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cucumber jokes. There are some cucumber vinegar jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cucumber tomatoes puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cucumber Jokes and Puns

Oversexed husband

A woman is telling her friend, "My husband is so oversexed, everything little I do seems to turn him on. Yesterday he saw me holding a cucumber and he lifted up my skirt and took me from behind right on the spot."

The friend says, "And you're complaining? I think that sounds great!"

"Well, me too, but the Safeway manager didn't think so."

A bad metaphor

is like a cucumber with a parachute.


A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.

He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"

Cucumber joke, YUK!

So a guy walks in on his daughter masterbating with a cucumber.

"SICK!" he said.

"I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."

Since they were a married, a couple has only had sex with the lights off.

One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.

Not sure if reposting but I thought this was funny.

So there are three girls in line for cucumbers. The first girl gets to the front of the line and says " I want a long and skinny cucumber". The second girl came up and said " I want a short and fat cucumber". The last girl came up and said " I just want a cucumber that's good for making a salad."

So a horse walks into a bar..

and a duck walks into a bar

and a buffalo walks into a bar

and a cucumber walks into a bar

and a tomato walks into a bar...

and the bartender says "Alright, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

Cucumber joke, So a horse walks into a bar..

Old, but gold

A woman goes to the market.

She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"

The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"

What's the definition of suspicion?

Nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

So there's this mollusk

And he walks up to the sea cucumber and he says, "With knees like these, who needs anemones!"


What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?

Lettuce go

You can explore cucumber radish reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cucumber tomato dad jokes. There are also cucumber puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

3 women sitting at a bar

3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing masturbation.The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

Proud father...

I'm really proud of my daughter. She's taken her new vegetable diet very well. Just last night I found a cucumber in her room.

Cucumber joke, Proud father...

A man sees his wife taking a......

cucumber from the fridge. Being the gentleman that he is he offers to slice it up for her. She turns to him with a look of disgust on her face and says, 'what do you think I am, a slot machine?'

Why are cucumbers sold in plastic wrapping?

So you can still eat them after using them.

What did the pickle say to the cucumber?

Come on in the water's brine!

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

Why did the cucumber blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

A cucumber made a deal with the devil.

He is quite in a pickle now.

Source: Stole it.

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible

he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch?

Depends on where you put the cucumber.

Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water...

I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,

"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"

The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...

One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

Jesus can walk over water

Jesus can walk over water. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are.

The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and thrust into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.

He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

The cucumber complained, "I wish I was a normal vegetable, this is bullshit, half of my friends and family are bought and used as dildoes!"

"Better you than me!" responded the pineapple.

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.

What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle?

A jarring experience

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that's a cactus.

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - How busy are you today?

He replied As busy as a cucumber in a women's prison !

A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar

As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That's a cactus.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

A man walks into a doctor's office

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.

When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.

One lady turns to the other & says:

'Well we could always eat one...'

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

It depends on where you put the cucumber

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

What is the difference between hungry and horny?

Where do you stick the cucumber?!

What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle?

A jarring experience.

Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled?

He made a dill with the devil.

Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.

My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

My 5 year old just came up with this one

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cucumber who?
I'm gonna cut you open

- ends in death stare -

What's, long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber, of course!

Medical Advice

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"

"You're not eating properly."

What's a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?


I've been stuck in this cucumber costume so long...

That now I'm in a pickle

What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber you pervert

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.

Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'

The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

What do you call a cold cucumber?

A cucumbrrr.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cucumber pleasuring jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cucumber greengrocer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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