Cucumber Jokes

Following is our collection of Cucumber funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Cucumber jokes

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

YUK!

A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.

He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible

he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

Why did the cucumber blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...

One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,

"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"

The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

Oversexed husband

A woman is telling her friend, "My husband is so oversexed, everything little I do seems to turn him on. Yesterday he saw me holding a cucumber and he lifted up my skirt and took me from behind right on the spot."

The friend says, "And you're complaining? I think that sounds great!"

"Well, me too, but the Safeway manager didn't think so."

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That's a cactus.

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

3 women sitting at a bar

3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing masturbation.The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

So a guy walks in on his daughter masterbating with a cucumber.

"SICK!" he said.

"I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."

NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch?

Depends on where you put the cucumber.

Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and thrust into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.

He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

Jesus can walk over water

Jesus can walk over water. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.

Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that's a cactus.

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - How busy are you today?

He replied As busy as a cucumber in a women's prison !

What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle?

A jarring experience

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar

As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*

The cucumber complained, "I wish I was a normal vegetable, this is bullshit, half of my friends and family are bought and used as dildoes!"

"Better you than me!" responded the pineapple.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

Vegetables

What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?

Lettuce go

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

Three Old Ladies

Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are.

The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water...

I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.

A man sees his wife taking a......

cucumber from the fridge. Being the gentleman that he is he offers to slice it up for her. She turns to him with a look of disgust on her face and says, 'what do you think I am, a slot machine?'

Not sure if reposting but I thought this was funny.

So there are three girls in line for cucumbers. The first girl gets to the front of the line and says " I want a long and skinny cucumber". The second girl came up and said " I want a short and fat cucumber". The last girl came up and said " I just want a cucumber that's good for making a salad."

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

So there's this mollusk

And he walks up to the sea cucumber and he says, "With knees like these, who needs anemones!"

So a horse walks into a bar..

and a duck walks into a bar

and a buffalo walks into a bar

and a cucumber walks into a bar

and a tomato walks into a bar...

and the bartender says "Alright, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

Proud father...

I'm really proud of my daughter. She's taken her new vegetable diet very well. Just last night I found a cucumber in her room.

A cucumber made a deal with the devil.

He is quite in a pickle now.

Source: Stole it.

What's the definition of suspicion?

Nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

Since they were a married, a couple has only had sex with the lights off.

One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

Old, but gold

A woman goes to the market.

She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"

The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

Why are cucumbers sold in plastic wrapping?

So you can still eat them after using them.

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

Welcome to cucumber club...

Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

A bad metaphor

is like a cucumber with a parachute.

Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are...

One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.

A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies' Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will insert a nonsense syllable. Yes, yes! they clamor. So he recites –

*​Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da daΒ cocksucker*



*^(This was found while researching William Walker Atkinson (a.k.a. Yogi Ramacharaka) and stumbling upon William Illsey Atkinson's website.)*

What did the pickle say to the cucumber?

Come on in the water's brine!

My son asked me where babies come from

"They come out of mommy's belly" I said

He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"

"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied

"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"

A boy complains to his father

Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!

Really, What was that? , said the father

The cucumber was supposed to go in the front

Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.

The first fits a sausage.

The second fits a cucumber.

The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi

A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies' Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will insert a nonsense syllable. Yes, yes! they clamor. So he recites –

*​Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da*

*Da da Β Β da da da Β Β da daΒ cocksucker*



*^(This was found while researching William Walker Atkinson (a.k.a. Yogi Ramacharaka) and stumbling upon William Illsey Atkinson's website.)*

I was trapped inside a cucumber, then it fell into vinegar

Now I'm really in a pickle.

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket?

They wanted everyone to think they were working hard.

A nun walks into a grocery store

Nun: "Hi I'd like to buy a cucumber."

Clerk: "Well, why don't you buy two, so you can eat one."

Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are,

The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes