Crystal Jokes

Following is our collection of drug puns and fireplaces one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Crystal jokes for adults, dirty crystal meth jokes and clean iris dad gags for kids.

The Best Crystal Puns

If I had a crystal ball...

I'd sit down *really* carefully...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

What do you call crystal clear urine?

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What do you call crystal clear pee?

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A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."

"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"

"Ha! That's what you think!"

I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.

Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.

He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:

Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."

What's the most popular religion for addicts?

the Crystal Methodists


What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night...

They're Crystal Methodists.

What do you need to make a crystal salad?

Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice

I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions.

I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.

I finally smoked some of this drug that's in the news all the time, but I wasn't impressed.

Crystal Meh.

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

Warning about new batch of "ice"

Police are warning drug users about a diluted, mild version of ice doing the rounds. They are calling it "crystal meh".


I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry

Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.

I went to a blind fortune teller the other day

She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

What do you call a drug dealing church?

Crystal Methodists

My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

Did you hear about the new drug that makes its users apathetic?

It's called Crystal Meh

What is the difference between Crystal Palace football club and a spear?

A spear actually has a point.

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

People like to point out that the title of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sounds like the substance that probably inspired the song...

...and sometimes I wonder the same thing about the title of the movie The Dark Crystal.

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and especially liking the sphere, accepts it.

He presses the Sphere and suddenly he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades in hand.

The Greeks spot him and yell 'BarberIan'.

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.

Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!

I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself crystal clear.

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

Where do psychics go to dance?

The crystal ball

What's the largest religion in North Korea?

Crystal Methodists

"Crystal ball, how much time do I have before I die?"

"Five..." said the image on the crystal ball

"Five what? Years? Days? Decades?"

"Four... Three..."

A frog goes to a fortune-teller

A frog goes to a fortune-teller.


The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball, and tells the frog, "You are going to meet a beautiful young lady, who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Where will I meet her?"

The fortune-teller says, "In her biology class."

My allergies are acting up and...

The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

So I heard this word problem from grade school.....

If you have five crystals, and billy takes four crystals, and sally gives you two crystals, how many crystals do you have?

It was then that I realized the kids were all doing crystal math.

Did you hear about the new unexciting drug?

They call it "crystal meh".

The Pollen count in the air is so high this year

all the meth cooks are turning their crystal back into Sudafed

What do you get when you cross Godzilla, saved by the bell, and crystal meth?

Go go power rangers!

Doing crystal meth lowers your risk of dying from cancer…

by raising your risk of dying from crystal meth.

I have a crystal ball

Which mean i have to sit down carefully

If I had a crystal ball that could see five years into the future...

I would have 2020 vision.

There is an abundance of equations jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 49 funniest jokes and crystal puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any diamond witze you can hear about crystal.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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