Crystal Jokes

99 crystal jokes and hilarious crystal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crystal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Ready for some laughs? Check out this collection of crystal-related jokes. From crystal names and the Crystal Palace to the Crystal Maze and Crystal Theobald’s adventures with Pamela and the Lords of Drug, there’s something for everyone.

Funniest Crystal Short Jokes

Short crystal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crystal humour may include short glass jokes also.

  1. I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world... It's called Crystal Meh.
  2. I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
  3. A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night... They're Crystal Methodists.
  4. I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters. Turns out they sold me a snow globe.
  5. I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters. Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..
  6. I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions. I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.
  7. I finally smoked some of this drug that's in the news all the time, but I wasn't impressed. Crystal Meh.
  8. Warning about new batch of "ice" Police are warning drug users about a diluted, mild version of ice doing the rounds. They are calling it "crystal meh".
  9. I went to a blind fortune teller the other day She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
  10. I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms .. It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

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Crystal One Liners

Which crystal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crystal? I can suggest the ones about stone and quartz.

  1. If I had a crystal ball... I'd sit down *really* carefully...
  2. What do you call a religious drug addict? A crystal methodist.
  3. What do you call crystal clear pee? 1080p
  4. What's the most popular religion for addicts? the Crystal Methodists
  5. Saw a tweeker with a cross tattoo Must be a Crystal Methodist.
  6. Large crystal ball for sale, only £50. But you will haggle me down and buy it for £35.
  7. What do you need to make a crystal salad? Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice
  8. What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag? Crystal Math
  9. Did you hear about the new drug that makes its users apathetic? It's called Crystal Meh
  10. Justin Timberlake to star in Dark Crystal reboot Working title: "Bringing Skeksis Back"
  11. What do you call a drug dealing church? Crystal Methodists
  12. Does silicon make pretty crystals Of quartz it does
  13. What's the largest religion in North Korea? Crystal Methodists
  14. Where do psychics go to dance? The crystal ball
  15. Did you hear about the new unexciting drug? They call it "crystal meh".

Crystal Ball Jokes

Here is a list of funny crystal ball jokes and even better crystal ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball She should've seen it coming…
  • "Crystal ball, how much time do I have before I die?" "Five..." said the image on the crystal ball
    "Five what? Years? Days? Decades?"
    "Four... Three..."
  • I have a crystal ball Which mean i have to sit down carefully
  • If I had a crystal ball that could see five years into the future... I would have 2020 vision.
  • The inventor of the crystal ball has died. He never saw it coming.
  • I am making a crystal ball People will be able to look into the future like there is no tomorrow.
    It's going to make me a profit.
  • I once met a guy with a crystal ball He couldn't see the future, he had an accident.
  • did you hear about the gipsy that had a glass baby married a fortune teller with a crystal ball.
  • The inventor of the crystal ball has died. His f**... will be held very preciously
  • The inventor of the crystal ball has just died in a car c**.... Guess he should have seen it coming.

Crystal Clear Jokes

Here is a list of funny crystal clear jokes and even better crystal clear puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak. I just want to make myself crystal clear.
  • I have an obsession with polishing minerals! I hope that('s) crystal('s) clear
  • Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear.
  • Crystal Clear Silicone Case for iPhone 6 & 6 Plus
  • What do you call crystal clear u**...? 1080p
Crystal joke, What do you call crystal clear u**...?

Crystal Name Jokes

Here is a list of funny crystal name jokes and even better crystal name puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It's weird how people from the ghetto name their kids things they don't have or can't afford. Mercedes, Crystal, Lexus, Diamond, Ruby, Love, Harmony, Hope...
  • What would Walter White name his daughter? Crystal
  • What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth? Crystal m**...

Crystal Palace Jokes

Here is a list of funny crystal palace jokes and even better crystal palace puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is the difference between Crystal Palace football club and a spear? A spear actually has a point.
  • What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Crystal Palace? At least Rooney is guaranteed at least three points this season.
Crystal joke, What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Crystal Palace?

Fun-Filled Crystal Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about crystal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crisp jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crystal pranks.

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.
Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry

Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal m**..., it really is a miracle drug.
*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla, saved by the bell, and crystal m**...?

Go go power rangers!

My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal m**... back into Sudafed.

Doing crystal m**... lowers your risk of dying from cancer…

by raising your risk of dying from crystal m**....

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal m**...?

I hear it was pretty dope.

What do you call a tweaker (m**... addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

The Pollen count in the air is so high this year

all the m**... cooks are turning their crystal back into Sudafed

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."
"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"
"Ha! That's what you think!"

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

A frog goes to a fortune-teller

A frog goes to a fortune-teller.
The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball, and tells the frog, "You are going to meet a beautiful young lady, who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Where will I meet her?"
The fortune-teller says, "In her biology class."


Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and especially liking the sphere, accepts it.
He presses the Sphere and suddenly he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades in hand.
The Greeks spot him and yell 'BarberIan'.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."

People like to point out that the title of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sounds like the substance that probably inspired the song...

...and sometimes I wonder the same thing about the title of the movie The Dark Crystal.

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a t**... with my mistress!

My allergies are acting up and...

The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal m**... back into Sudafed.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.
"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."
The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

You won't believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!
You don't believe me?
See? Exactly what I predicted!

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc... I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some m**... and we'll tweak out to forget about it."
"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."
"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."
"I don't know..." he mumbled.
"Dude, let's get cranked already!" I implored.
"All right, man-- you fly, I'll buy!" he finally conceded.
Which just goes to show, if you want to pick up speed you've got to press on the ex seller rater.

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are hugging each other, continues the fortune teller.
And they shake my hands? Trump interrupts again.
No, the coffin is closed.

I used to think that crystal girls where s**....

All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.
How could a rock give them powers?
But then I tried crack.

An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"

A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.

The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".
"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"
"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".

"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."

A man was wandering around a carnival.....

and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
Ah... said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. I see you are the father of two children.
That's what you think, said the man scornfully. I'm the father of THREE children.
The woman grinned and said, That's what YOU think!

The Fortune-Teller's Tent

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
*"Ah...."* said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. *"I see you are the father of two children."*
*"That's what you think"*, the man laughed. *"I'm the father of THREE children."*
The woman grinned and said, *"That's what YOU think!"*


On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.

Crystal joke, Anniversary

jokes about crystal