Crystal Ball Jokes
31 crystal ball jokes and hilarious crystal ball puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crystal ball that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Crystal Ball Short Jokes
Short crystal ball jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crystal ball humour may include short crystal jokes also.
- I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
- I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters. Turns out they sold me a snow globe.
- I went to a blind fortune teller the other day She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
- I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball She should've seen it coming…
- "Crystal ball, how much time do I have before I die?" "Five..." said the image on the crystal ball
"Five what? Years? Days? Decades?"
"Four... Three..." - I am making a crystal ball People will be able to look into the future like there is no tomorrow.
It's going to make me a profit. - did you hear about the gipsy that had a glass baby married a fortune teller with a crystal ball.
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Crystal Ball One Liners
Which crystal ball one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crystal ball? I can suggest the ones about bowling ball and dragon these balls.
- If I had a crystal ball... I'd sit down *really* carefully...
- Large crystal ball for sale, only £50. But you will haggle me down and buy it for £35.
- Where do psychics go to dance? The crystal ball
- I have a crystal ball Which mean i have to sit down carefully
- The inventor of the crystal ball has died. He never saw it coming.
- I once met a guy with a crystal ball He couldn't see the future, he had an accident.
Crystal Ball Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about crystal ball you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soccer ball jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crystal ball pranks.
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
Trump comes to the fortune teller
Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are hugging each other, continues the fortune teller.
And they shake my hands? Trump interrupts again.
No, the coffin is closed.
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)
h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"
Germanys funniest joke according to research
A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.
"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."
The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"
You won't believe how easy it is to predict the future!
All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!
You don't believe me?
See? Exactly what I predicted!
An electrician goes to a fortune teller.
When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.
My friend John went to a psychic
He was really skeptical about it at first but seeing his friends getting happier after seances he decided to give it a try. Next day he finally met the psychic. She was a woman in her mid thirties wearing some kind of rags and a crown made out of plastic. She got out a crystal ball and started looking at John's future. Suddenly, she started laughing uncontrollably. John got furious and punched her in the nose.
It was the first time John had ever struck a happy medium.
A man goes to the carnival
A man goes to the carnival with his family, and they decide to split up to enjoy the rides. The husband walks by a tent with a sign advertising a fortuneteller. He doesn't believe in such things,but decides to go inside anyway.
A woman looks up from a small table with a crystal ball and speaks, " Greetings, would you like your fortune foretold?" Thinking for a second, he answers, "I'd like some proof first that you aren't a fake."
The woman looks into her crystal ball, and answers, " I see you have two lovely children with you this fine day."
"Pff, I have three children, not two."
The woman grins back. "That's what you think."
The Psychic
Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.
In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.
The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply has to know.
She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"
Wives seem to love this one
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"