Crying Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


I'm an asshole on the outside, but I'm like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

I know how it feels to grow up without a father!

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"

"Yes, sir"

"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"

"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...

She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"

He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Why was the 3 year old ethiopian kid crying

He was having a mid life crisis

I watched a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Why was 1 year old African baby crying?

It was having a midlife crisis

Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!

He hanged himself in the basement!

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.



I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Why was the 2 month old African baby crying?

It was having its mid-life crisis.

My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car

But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

Penis vs vagina which is better.(kinda long)

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, Here's something I have that you'll never have! The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying.

Onions was a great dog.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.

it was a farfalle from grace.

Oh little Timmy..

The teacher asks Timmy:

"Why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying:

"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class

Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!

Little Kid starts crying

Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??

Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

I slept like a baby last night.

Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or crying as she calls it.

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

The neighbours hate us

"The neighbours hate us."

"Why?"

"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"

"Yeah, that was really fun."

"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"

"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."

"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine

she stopped crying for help 2 days ago

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.

The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs

Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

A little Muslim kid gets lost in a supermarket..

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

What are the funniest crying jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Crying? Well, here are the best Crying puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Crying pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes