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Crying Jokes

133 crying jokes and hilarious crying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for something to make you laugh and cry at the same time? Look no further! Check out these hilarious crying jokes and stories featuring a crying baby, crying sister, crying onion and more. Be prepared to weep with laughter and let the tears fall!

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Funniest Crying Short Jokes

Short crying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crying humour may include short sobbing jokes also.

  1. I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
  2. Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
  3. I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were. And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
  4. Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
  5. Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
  6. When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
  7. I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
  8. Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
  9. I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
    "No" she sobbed
    I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
  10. When christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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Crying One Liners

Which crying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crying? I can suggest the ones about cries and cry tears.

  1. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
  2. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
  3. I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
  4. Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
  5. Why did the African 3 year old cry? He was having a mid life crisis
  6. why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
  7. Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry He was having a midlife crisis
  8. grape don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
  9. Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
  10. Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis
  11. My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
  12. Somebody help me find my apples! The man cried fruitlessly.
  13. What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry? Opinions
  14. Chuck Norris had a nightmare The nightmare ran into its moms room crying
  15. Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

Crying Baby Jokes

Here is a list of funny crying baby jokes and even better crying baby puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
  • Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
  • Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis
  • Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
    (Sorry If it's too dark)
  • Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
  • How do you make a baby cry? Drop it.
    How do you make a baby stop crying?
    Drop it again.
  • Why does an Ethiopian baby cry It's having a midlife crisis
  • I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
  • I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
  • Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying

Crying Laughing Jokes

Here is a list of funny crying laughing jokes and even better crying laughing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
  • My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
  • My doctor just diagnosed me with autism I don't know whether to laugh or cry
  • Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, Snake! Run! His companion laughs at him. Oh, relax. It's only a baby, he says. Don't you hear the rattle?
  • My doctor just told me I have bipolar disorder. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.
  • Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day. Tell a man he is a joke and he'll cry for the rest of his life.
  • An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
  • After my doctor diagnosed me as bipolar I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
  • It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • When I was told I was bi-polar... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Crying joke, When I was told I was bi-polar...

Crying Sister Jokes

Here is a list of funny crying sister jokes and even better crying sister puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
  • My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
  • My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion So I threw a coconut at her
  • .. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry ...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
  • What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?
  • My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her
  • My little sister's cat died... ...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.
  • My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree. I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?
  • Your sister won't stop crying? You've got yourself a crisis
  • My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
Crying joke, My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed...

Great Crying Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about crying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean weeping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crying pranks.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is r**... on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and b**... his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car

But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Why was the 3 year old ethiopian kid crying

He was having a mid life crisis

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying.

Onions was a great dog.

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...

She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was h**...+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or crying as she calls it.

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?
Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!
He hanged himself in the basement!

I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying.

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a f**.......

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

Cake joke for my cake day!

Was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

I was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying

Even the cake was in tiers

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

 She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.
"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."
"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.
"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."
With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"

I asked this cute homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She started crying after I walked off with her cardboard box.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.

After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".

I asked the cop, Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?

Cop: It's a moving violation.

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

The last wedding I was at was very emotional.

Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
Even the massive cake was in tiers..

Inuit and American tourist walks near far-north village.

Suddenly the polar bear starts chasing them. American starts crying, Inuit starts to warm up and takes running position.
American - What are you doing? Don't you know, that polar bear runs faster than any human? We can not outrun polar bear!
Inuit - I don't need to outrun the polar bear, I need to outrun you

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
"Comrade President! What is wrong?"
"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"
"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we lie down and rest? But first, let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Crying joke, A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

jokes about crying