Crying Jokes
132 crying jokes and hilarious crying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for something to make you laugh and cry at the same time? Look no further! Check out these hilarious crying jokes and stories featuring a crying baby, crying sister, crying onion and more. Be prepared to weep with laughter and let the tears fall!
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Funniest Crying Short Jokes
Short crying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crying humour may include short sobbing jokes also.
- I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were. And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
- Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
- Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
- When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
- I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
- Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
- I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage - When christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
Share These Crying Jokes With Friends
Crying One Liners
Which crying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crying? I can suggest the ones about cry tears and weeping.
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
- I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
- Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
- why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- grape don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
- Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
- Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis
- My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
- Somebody help me find my apples! The man cried fruitlessly.
- What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry? Opinions
- Chuck Norris had a nightmare The nightmare ran into its moms room crying
- Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
- How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry? 10 tickles
- Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis
- Why did the homophobic buffalo cry? It had a bison.
Crying Baby Jokes
Here is a list of funny crying baby jokes and even better crying baby puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
- Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
(Sorry If it's too dark) - How do you make a baby cry? Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again. - I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
- Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying
- TIL babies cry in accents I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon
- What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
- Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath
- Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…
Crying Laughing Jokes
Here is a list of funny crying laughing jokes and even better crying laughing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
- My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
- My doctor just diagnosed me with autism I don't know whether to laugh or cry
- Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, Snake! Run! His companion laughs at him. Oh, relax. It's only a baby, he says. Don't you hear the rattle?
- An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
- It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- My cousin told me she choked on a mozzarella stick at a local restaurant, and I laughed so hard I cried. The choking wasn't her biggest problem considering it was a Mexican restaurant...
- If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady? I believe it's a type of camel.
- Why did the comedian cry so dearly? He couldn't find somebody to laugh.
- I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. I laughed and then took *his* shoes.
I mean, it's not like he needs them.
Crying Sister Jokes
Here is a list of funny crying sister jokes and even better crying sister puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
- My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion So I threw a coconut at her
- .. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry ...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
- What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?
- My little sister's cat died... ...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.
- My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree. I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?
- Your sister won't stop crying? You've got yourself a crisis
- My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
- One day my sister was crying You could really call it a crisis
Great Crying Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about crying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean screaming jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crying pranks.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
I've been crying a lot recently
It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
When I was a kid...
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.
My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car
But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...
The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
Caught my Vegan roommate...
Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...
That's the last time I buy A Dell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking
Or crying as she calls it.
I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..
With me crying and the people around me celebrating.
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine
she stopped crying for help 2 days ago
Soviet Joke
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
Two blondes are going to Disney Land
At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty
Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a f**.......
All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!
"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.
"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".
"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.
Immediately the donkey started crying.
"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.
"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" the donkey bawled.
Cake joke for my cake day!
Was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why
She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said at least your knickers fit like a glove
Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?
A meltdown.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John's wife comes home to a dark house and her husband sitting there crying.
"honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
John turns to his wife and says, "do you remember 20 years ago when your father caught us having s**... in the car?"
John's wife smiles at the memory and replies, "of course, that was my first time."
John looks at his wife and says, "well 20 years ago your father gave me a choice. Either I marry you or spend 20 years in prison."
"That was a long time ago honey, and your not in prison."
John again starts sobbing and says, "I would have gotten out of prison today."
Relationships are like Indian food
They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.
Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.
"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.
"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."
"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.
"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."
With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.
A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....
Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopping with my wife
One time I was shopping with my wife when we saw a couple younger-looking women. I made the comment, "Gee, I bet you wish you still had legs like that, huh?" And she just lost her mind. It took me a good twenty minutes to get her to stop crying before I could wheel her out of there and up the ramp into the next store.
What do you say when your English teacher is crying?
"There, their, they're".
A girl goes to a movie theatre…
…with her dog.
The movie didn't have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said That's absolutely amazing. I can't believe your dog is crying
She responded: I can't believe either …. because he didn't like the book
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is God is crying
And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is probably because of something you did
I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.
Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
I asked the cop, Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?
Cop: It's a moving violation.
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, Why are you crying?
Man: My wife said she won't talk with me for a month.
Waiter : That's terrible.
Man: Yes, the month ends today.
Mom I think I'm adopted!
Mom: No you're not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?
Nathan: Well, I've just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I've got no living relatives?!
Mom: This is nonsense, let's show this to your dad…
Dad *walks in*: Well of course he's not our son, don't you remember the first night in the labour ward after you gave birth… you asked me to change him because he was crying so much? I think I picked a good one don't you?
I saw a woman crying on a bench.
I asked her why she was crying and she said, "Sit next to me, and I'll tell you." So I sat, and she said, "This bench was just painted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.
"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.
Silence.
After a moment he cleared his t**....
Nothing.
After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"
She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with one!"
Inuit and American tourist walks near far-north village.
Suddenly the polar bear starts chasing them. American starts crying, Inuit starts to warm up and takes running position.
American - What are you doing? Don't you know, that polar bear runs faster than any human? We can not outrun polar bear!
Inuit - I don't need to outrun the polar bear, I need to outrun you
