Midlife crisis
They were having a mid-life crisis.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying
Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.
His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
It was having a mid-life crisis.
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
It was having a mid life crisis
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"
A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
-Because the other fish were crying.
With me crying and the people around me celebrating.
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying.
Midlife crisis
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."
because Santa didn't come.
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
He was having a mid life crisis
It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
It was having a midlife crisis
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Billy, what's wrong son?
Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!
He hanged himself in the basement!
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!
So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
It was having its mid-life crisis.
But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, Here's something I have that you'll never have! The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!
It was having a mid-life crisis.
Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.
Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
Onions was a great dog.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.
The teacher asks Timmy:
"Why is your cat at school today?"
Timmy says, crying:
"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.
immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."
That's the last time I buy A Dell.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
Or crying as she calls it.
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
"The neighbours hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
she stopped crying for help 2 days ago
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
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