crying Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious crying stories

What are the best Crying puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Crying? Well here is a complete list of Crying dad jokes:

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"

"Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt".

Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"

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A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

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My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

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A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

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One hell of a day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

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Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a girl, because he went on top."
The blonde suddenly starts crying, hysterically, and it takes her new friends a good five minutes to calm her down. Between sobs she mutters "I think I'm having puppies..."

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An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

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Oh little Timmy..

The teacher asks Timmy:

"Why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying:

"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"

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When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

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A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

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The neighbours hate us

"The neighbours hate us."

"Why?"

"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"

"Yeah, that was really fun."

"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"

"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."

"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

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A little Muslim kid gets lost in a supermarket..

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

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I've been crying a lot recently

It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray

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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.


The woman breaks down even further and can barely speak between sobbing. "It's my husband. I just can't take it anymore. I love him, but I can't put up with this much longer," she says. "I'd do anything to make it stop."


The Doc closes his eyes and asks, "What happens exactly?"


"Everything is fine until the weekend. That's when the problems start. He goes out drinking with his buddies and plays cards, which he's horrible at." The Doc nods his head for her to continue. "He always comes home drunk and pissed off. Without fail, I end up getting beat."


He thinks for a moment and asks, "You'd do anything to make it better?"


"Yes, anything!"


"I want you to go home and make a pitcher of sweet tea." The Doc holds up his hand to stop the inevitable questions and continues. "When your husband comes home from his night of drinking, I want you to pour yourself a glass of tea. Take the biggest mouthful you can and hold it there until your husband goes to sleep. Do this and I promise you the beatings will stop."


The woman has doubt in her eyes, but is at the end of her rope. She'll try anything once at this point.


Several weeks go by and the Doc walks into an exam room to see the same woman. She looks a thousand times better, has a smile on her face, and best of all no signs of recent abuse.


"Doc, it worked! I did everything you asked." She's obviously excited. "I made that sweet tea and poured myself a glass. When my husband came home drunk after a bad night of cards, I took the biggest mouthful of tea I could. I held it there until he went to sleep." The Doc can see tears of happiness forming in the woman's eyes. "I think you've save my sanity and my marriage, thank you."


The Doc looks the woman in the eyes, "See what happens when you keep your fucking mouth shut?"

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So embarrassing..

The most embarrassing thing happened to me last week. I was at a school dance. I was standing by the punch bowl watching the girls dance and I don't know how it happened but I got a boner. Just the way they moved and danced gave me an erection. So anyway, one girl saw me and pointed me out. Suddenly everyone saw and started laughing at me. I started crying and I ran out of the dance. It was so embarrassing. I am never chaperoning the kindergarden dance ever again.

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A guy sees a sign that reads, "help stop my horse from crying. $500.00". The guy whispers in the horses ear and the horse begins to laugh non-stop. Farmer pays him his money and away he goes.

A year later he sees the sign and it reads, "make my horse stop laughing, $1,000.00". So the guy goes behind the barn and the horse starts crying again. The farmer divvies out the funds and says,"I gotta know, what did you do?" The guy says, "well when he was crying I told him my dick was bigger than his and when he wouldn't stop laughing, I showed him"!

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An old man in tears

A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"

The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"

Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."

The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."

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Two blonde girls...

...were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: Disneyland left. They started crying and headed home.

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Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

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worried about my parrot... (sorry if repost)

I'm really worried about my parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on. I hate my life..."

My room-mate's to selfish to notice. He's always crying.

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worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:

"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"

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A quadruple amputee is sitting on a beach crying...

A man walks up and asks "Excuse me ma'am, why are you crying?

"I've never been hugged."
He picks her up, hugs her, and walks away.

A while later, another man strolls by. He stops and asks "Im sorry to bother you, but why are you crying?"

"I've never been kissed." she replies.
He picks her up, kisses her, and walks away.

A few minutes later, yet another man stops to ask why she's crying.

"I've never been fucked."

He picks her up, and throws her in the ocean.

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A wife, being the romantic sort...

...sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the commode. Please advise."

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The Unluckiest Guy in the world

A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'

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A crying blond

A blond goes into work crying her eyes out,her boss asks her whats wrong,she tells him that her mom died,the boss tells her that its ok for her not to come to work,but she disagrees and says that she needs to work to put her mind of it.As the day goes by she feels better,later she received a phone call and starts screaming and crying,when the boss came and asked her whats wrong she says: "That was my sister,HER MOM DIED TOO!"

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I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

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democracy EL5

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, the people and your baby brother, the future.

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, He gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,

He peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words ."What you think politics is all about."

The little boy, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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I often find myself crying during sex...

Probably from the pepper spray...

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An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won Β£1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! We got married last week and the sex is incredible! She caters to my every need and she waits on me hand and foot"!

"WOW"! Says the man, you sound like you've got it made! So why all the crying"??

The old man looks up at him and cries out "I can't remember where I fucking live"!!!

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Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Actually, never mind. I'll finish, you'll be thoroughly disappointed, and then I'll start crying.

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Little Jimmy brought his cat to school...

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A blonde went to work...

Her boss found her crying in her office and went to see what's wrong. She told him that her mom had just died. He told her to go home and take the week off. She then said that that wasn't the problem. Puzzled, he asked what the problem was. "My sister called me, her mom died too!"

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Poor kid...:(

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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My Girlfriend's Hair

My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.

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An armless, legless girl is lying on the beach crying when a man walks up and asked her why.

She says I'm crying because in all my life I've never been kissed. So the man leans down to give her a kiss and then stands back up and begins to walk on his way. Then she starts crying even louder. So he turns around and asks her, why are you crying now? She says, I'm crying because in all my life I've never been fucked. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and yells "you're fucked now!"

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The boy and the clown

A clown and an 8 year-old boy are walking through a cemetery late at night when the boy becomes frightened and starts crying.
"I don't understand what you're scared and crying about" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk back alone..."

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Poor Boy

A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.

A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"

"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"

The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"

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A Man walks into a irish bar

A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
"42".
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
"94".
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"

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Grieving in Ireland

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'

The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'

'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'

The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'

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"Honey,my hands are freezing!"

A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "

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Curing a nuns hiccups

A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, but it share cured her hiccups."

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A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best crying jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about crying. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty crying gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these crying jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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