Crying Baby Jokes

There were three women. a brown headed a brunette and a blonde. they were talking then they started talking about s**.... The brown headed one said i'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had s**... d**...!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Stop crying, you little baby.

A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he s**... on a pacifier and made it cry.

I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.
Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.
I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A: A baby with a razor!

A woman is going through labour...

...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."

My Girlfriend's Hair

My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.

The most offensive jokes thread?

I'll start
What is the difference between chopping up a baby and an onion?
- chopping up an onion makes you cry.

Pregnant

The best part about being pregnant is...you can't hear your baby cry.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

A watermelon doesn't cry when you hit it with a sledgehammer.

I once knew a girl so s**... ...

... she had her eustachian tubes tied and now she can't hear her baby crying.

What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

Eventually the baby stops crying

Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the s**... of their babies.

The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."
The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."
Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.
"I'm going to have puppies!"

Honey, give me the baby.

-Wait until he cries
-Until he cries..? Why..?
-Because I can't find him...

smart husband

Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

Guys, do you know the difference between a bridge and a baby?

A fridge does not cry when you put your sausage in it.

I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face...

...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant so they want to find out the s**... of the baby. The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy. The redhead says I was on top so I'm having a girl.
The Blonde starts crying and says, well I guess I'm having puppies?!

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (updated)

"Cuz he just got dunked on!"

Sat next to a baby on an airplane

Sat next to a baby on an airplane. Ten hour flight. I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight.
Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off.

Why do babies cry when they're born?

Because it's the most painful day in their lives

I sleep like a baby at night,

rarely and with short bursts of crying and p**..., sometimes both

I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me

It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.

Why do Nigerian babies cry?

Midlife crisis

I slept like a baby last night.

I pooped my pants and cried myself to sleep.

Why was the African baby crying?

It was going through it's midlife crisis.

What's the difference between a fridge and a baby?

A fridge doesn't cry when you pack your meat into it.

Why do African newborn babies cry?

They have a midlife crisis.

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three Pregnant Ladies are discussing their unborn babies.
The Brunette says "I am having a girl because I was on the bottom when my partner and I conceived"
The Redhead says "I am having a boy as I was on top with my partner"
The Blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong "I am going to be having ten puppies!"

My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him.

So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement.

My girlfriend was nervous about meeting my parents.

I told her that was normal. The first time I met them, I cried like a baby.

Baby Kangaroo and Laptop!

A baby Kangaroo was crying. Some kangaroo asked about its MOM.
Baby Kangaroo said mom is carrying a Laptop in her bag where I was staying.

Why does a Somalian baby cry?

It's having a mid life crisis.
I apologize for nothing.

How to get a baby to stop crying

How do you get a baby to cry?
Drop it
How do you get it to stop crying?
Drop it again

I didn't have a mid-life crisis but did have a beginning-of-life crisis...

... I cried like a baby for nearly a whole year!

Ladies, name your baby "Gotham"

So when it cries in the middle of the night, you can tell your husband, "Gotham needs you"

"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"

Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"
Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"
Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"
*a baby cries in the corner*
Dad: Shut up Brick!

A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....

The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."

Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

Why was the anti-vaxers baby crying.

It was having a mid-life crisis.

I slept like a baby last night

I cried and s**... my pants all night long

I was born with performance anxiety and fear of failure.

All babies come out crying. I came out like, Am I doing this right?

Last night I slept like a baby

I woke up crying every two hours.

I slept like a baby

I cried myself to sleep and woke up in my own filth

Little Johnny and His Baby Sister

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

Why was the Anti-vaxxer's baby crying?

Because he wasn't going to live long enough to see this joke reposted again.

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors...

For crying out loud!

Tonight I'm going to sleep like a baby!!!

Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.

I tried reverse psychology on my child

I told the baby don't cry
It worked

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because their mum and dad was in a jam.

What do I doIf stop the baby won't stop crying?

Use more l**....

I slept like a baby.

Cried every few hours and just in need of attention.