Cry Tears Jokes
113 cry tears jokes and hilarious cry tears puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cry tears that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cry Tears Short Jokes
Short cry tears jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cry tears humour may include short crying jokes also.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More tear" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- I was mugged at a bus station, and burst in to tears. A police officer came up to me and said 'I'm fining you £60'.
I said, 'oh, for crying out loud'
The police officer said 'yes' - My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
- I gifted trampoline to my son on his 7th birthday I think he was so happy he bust into tears. He cried so hard that he fell out of his wheelchair
- A pirate comes across a skull just sitting there randomly in the sand crying. The pirate asks "Why are you crying?" The skull replies through its tears " I'm all alone, I have nobody!"
- I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face... ...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
- I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying. I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.
- Did you hear about the lady who was so crossed eyed that when she cries her tears go down her back? She got back-tear-ia.
- After an hour long fight, my wife burst into tears when I grabbed her fancy new underwear from the dresser and threw it in the coffee grinder. There's no use crying over milled silk.
- My Father told me to marry this girl named Joy so that even if i disappoint her and end up making her cry, it would still be... tears of joy
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Cry Tears One Liners
Which cry tears one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cry tears? I can suggest the ones about wipe tears and weeping.
- What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry? ... A private-tear.
- How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas
- Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer... Too bad he has never cried.
- What's the perfect cake for someone who cries once from each eye? A two teared cake.
- Chuck Norris' tears would save lives, if he'd cry.
- Why did the African child cry only 1 tear? Because of water shortage
- What do you call really good crying? Upper Tears
- Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst m**.... It's a real tear jerker.
- I read a poem about m**... and crying simultaneously It was a tear jerker
- What do you call a guy who cries at the s**... bank? A tear jerker.
- I saw a movie about a man who cried every time he m**... It was a real tear-jerker
- My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
Cry Tears Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about cry tears you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crying baby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cry tears pranks.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Boy: if you are smiling send me your smiles
- if you are sleeping send me your dreams
- if you are crying send me your tears
I LOVE YOU!
Girl: I am in the toilet what do i send?
One day a boy came home running while crying.
His mother asked what happened why are you crying?
The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.
His mother said ‘That’s horrible.
what did you not do’.
The boy in tears said`my homework’
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor.
“We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her.
Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the f**... parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the f**... the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied.
“His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”
Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.
“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me o**... s**..., the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a u**... test!"
Did you know Chuck Norris's tears was the curernto Cansa, but the problem was he never ever cried.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...
She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.
The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.
16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.
The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.
The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.
The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"
The boy responds "no! I was m**... and I shot the dog!"
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"
Celebrate
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
At the mental health clinic.
A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.
"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"
"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"
"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes, "nobody's out to get me, nobody!", and John storms off crying.
"Wow, you guys must ave some cold blooded, but hard hitting therapy", sais the newbie.
"Actually ..." replies the staff member, "John is being treated for self esteem issues."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke from my childhood
Three men boarded a plane, a farmer, a teacher, and a soldier. Their plane crashed and released their luggage, but they survived. The farmer was looking for his suitcase full of watermelon when he saw a little boy crying, when asked why he responded
"because a watermelon fell on my dads head and he died."
The teacher was looking for her suitcase filled with books when she found a little girl in tears, she asked what was wrong and she said,
"A book fell on my daddy's head and he died."
The soldier was very worried looking for his suitcase with a bomb when he found a little boy in hysterics.
"What's so funny son?" he asked
"My dad f**... and then he exploded."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of men are flying in a plane.......
they get bored and decide to drop an orange out the window. They land the plane and overhear someone crying. They find a young girl crying so they ask her what is wrong. The young girl said "My mother was just hit in the head with an orange and died!". The men shrugged it off and got back on the plane. Once in the air they got bored again so they decided to drop an apple out of the plane. The plane lands and they overhear someone crying. They find a young boy in tears. They ask him what's wrong. The boy replies "My father was hit in the head with an apple and died!". Once again the men shrugged it off and got back on the plane. They get bored once again but this time they decide to drop a bomb out of the window. The plane lands and they hear someone laughing. They find a man rolling on the ground in laughter. Confused the men ask him what's so funny. He responds "I f**... and this building behind me blew up!"
One day a mother skunk
Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.
"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"
Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.
"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.
He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.
"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.
"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.
The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.
Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.
Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.
"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."
The unlucky boy.
I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy all alone and crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all by yourself," to which he replied with tears in his eyes, "My mother is down there at the bottom, she fell."
"Thats terrible," I replied, "What about your father," I continued. The little boy, almost completely breaking down, to this inquiry responded, "He is down there right next to her, he tried to save her and he fell too." We then shared a quiet moment together, looking out at the sky over the lake.
It was then suddenly the young chap asked me why I was unbuckling my belt. "Son, today just isn't your day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Construction Workers
Alanzo, Carlos and John are three construction workers are sitting on a high up beam of their nearly finished skyscrapers. Opening his lunchbox and seeing pasta, Alanzo curses, "I swear if my wife makes me pasta again, I will throw myself off this building." Carlos opens his lunchbox to see burritos, "I'm with you, I'm tired cold burritos everyday. If I see burritos again, I will jump." John opens his lunchbox, "I got bologna and cheese sandwich again. I will jump if I get this again.
The next day, Alanzo, Carlos and John are sitting together, ready to open their lunches. Taking a deep breath, Alanzo opens his lunchbox and sees pasta.With a sigh, he stands up and throws himself off the skyscraper to his death. Carlos opens his lunch box to see a burrito. Wiping away a tear, he stands and throws himself to his death. John opens his lunchbox and finds bologna and cheese sandwich. He stands and throws himself off the beam.
At the f**..., Alanzo's wife cries, "If I knew he was tired of my pasta, I would have never made it for him and he would never had jumped." Next to her, Carlos's wife is crying, "If I knew my Carlos didn't like my burritos, I would never had made them and he would never had jumped." Both women look at John's wife, "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married pair of Biologists are camping in China...
And after a long day of cataloging the various flora and fauna, they get down to a little love making...
When suddenly, the man feels an ungodly pressure in his stomach. He leaves hastily to the woods to find a suitable place to relieve himself, leaving his wife alone in the tent.
Outside the tent, she can hear a rustling, and after a few tense moments, a Panda sticks its head through the tent flap. It lurches in, tears off the woman's blanket and swiftly goes about l**... her lady parts with incredible skill.
Needless to say the woman is flabbergasted, but is taken by the sheer skill of the Panda's tongue, when suddenly, the Panda perks up its ears and scurries out of the tent and into the wilderness. The man returns moments later, having heard her cries of passion...
Amid gasps, she tells him about the Panda and its strange behavior. The man flips through his handbook to the section on Pandas to glean further information...
"Panda: An Asian species of bear, native to China. Eats bushes and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two rich men and a t**... are on top of a building...
...and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, "Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!" and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The t**... says,"I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you." He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than the other two men.
Once the men get down, they decide to see what happened to the coins and the bomb. At the place where the first man's coin landed, they see a boy crying. "What's wrong?", they ask. The boy replies,"Daddy got killed by a silver coin from the sky!" The two men shrug, and keep on going. They get to the place where the other man's coin landed, and see a girl crying on the sidewalk. "Whats wrong?" they ask again. The girl sobs, "We were outside walking and grandma got hit on the forehead by a silver coin and died!" The two men shrug again and walk off to the place where the bomb landed, expecting a whole family to be in tears. However, when they get to the place, they see a boy laughing his head off in front of a smoking crater, with his dad scratching his head in the background. "What in the world happened here?", asked the businessmen. The boy replies, "Daddy f**... and the house blew up!"
Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven
when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only , dearly beloved son at an early age. Here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. "Father!" He cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "Pinnocchio!"
Middle age texting
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... club owner is lamenting about his dwindling business to his wife.
A s**... club owner is eating breakfast with his wife. He begins to cry. "Honey, things are changing. Men just ain't spending money at t**... bars like they used to."
"Oh that can't be." She responds. "There are some things men will always go to a s**... club for."
"But honey, I've tried everything. They just seem disinterested these days." He hangs his head in defeat, wiping tears from his eyes.
His wife leans in to try to comfort him. "It's ok. Your business will come back around. Men will always enjoy being groped by a strangers, spending hundreds of dollars for the VIP experience, the occasional BJ in the bathroom, and getting black out drunk then waking up in a completely different city. That's what s**... clubs are for."
The husband looks up and responds. "I know, but Delta airlines offers a round trip."
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!
"You even sent me a Professional!"
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choices and Consequences
A man and his wife are having dinner for their tenth wedding anniversary. Suddenly the man bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the wife asks.
"I was just thinking," the man says, "about when I asked you to marry me. Your father came to me and said 'I know about all that money you embezzled from work. If you don't marry that ugly daughter of mine, I'm turning you in." The man cries harder as he says "And if I'd turned him down I'd be a free man now!"
This is for Robin Williams
A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"
The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."
The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."
Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.
Joke
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Only a matter of time
A science teacher was teaching her class about the sun. In 5 billion years, she said, our sun is going to expand and become a red giant, and all life on earth will die out from the intense heat. All of a sudden a little boy starts crying. What's wrong? she asked, It's not for another five billion years!
Oh, replied the boy, wiping the tears from his eyes, I thought you said million.
Please Advise?
An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new cell phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband more of the no-nonsense type.
One afternoon the wife went out with some friends for coffee. Being the romantic women she was, she decided to send her husband a text to let him know she was thinking of him.
It read:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
A couple minutes later the husband text back, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
An elderly couple had just learned how to text.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
I could not stop my baby boy from crying
so I poured no tears shampoo in his eyes, it didn't work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Farmer
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
Today I cried when my dad chopped up onions.
Because the synthase enzyme converts the sulfoxides (amino acids) of the onion into sulfenic acid. The unstable sulfenic acid rearranges itself into syn-ropanethial-S-oxide. Syn-propanethial-S-oxide got into the air and came in contact with my eyes. The lachrymal glands became irritated and produced the tears.
My father?
There was a young woman who had never known her father. One year, on Christmas day, a stranger knocked at her door.
When she opened the door, there was an older gentleman standing there. He looked at her face for a moment, then reached out and handed her a beautifully bound book of poetry.
"What is this?" she asked.
"A present," the man replied, "from your father."
"My father?" she said, "but I don't have a father."
"Rachel... you do...and I'm him." said the man, looking at the young woman. His eyes filling with tears. Her heart began racing at the thought that this may actually be him. But how could it be? After all this time?
"How can I really know if my father is present before me?" she asked.
The man, still crying, softly replied, "Rachel, your father is not present." He pointed at the book.
"Book is present."
Then the woman cried as she hugged her dad for the first time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse...
He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
A man is about to die
His end is near, his wife is by his bed, holding his hand. No doctor was able to find out what exactly made the man so sick.
Suddenly, the man starts to cry. He sobs:
"Darling, I have to tell you something before I die."
She holds his hand even tighter and says:
"Shh, stay calm. You don't have to do anything!"
But he insists:
"Darling, I made mistakes. I slept with your best friend."
She stays calm:
"It's ok, don't worry about that."
He continues:
"I also slept with your sister."
His wife still remains calm, again she says:
"Honey, it's ok. Don't worry about that."
He tears up once more and confesses:
"I... also slept with your mom..."
His wife smiles at him, says:
"Honey, I know all of that. Now calm down and let that poison finish its job."
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board
Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.
"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."
The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.
Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.
God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."
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today i learned that watching fantasia s**... is a terrible idea
im so high that i just watched the rise and fall of the dinosaurs and cried bitter tears during the cretaceous extinction which i didn't even know had a name until i decided to learn everything about dinosaurs THANKS WALT DISNEY
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Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....
One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman n**... swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred
Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a n**... lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."
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Sometimes..
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But f**... just one time...
Monks had it all wrong
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is *celebrate*, not *celibate!*," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get s**... out of my peaches."
A boy is looking over a tall cliff...
A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".
Led Zeppelin obsession
My girlfriend came in with tears in her eyes, saying she prayed and prayed that I would end my obsession with Led Zeppelin.
I told her, "Crying won't help ya. Praying won't do you no good."
The curious monk
A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....
The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.
His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Did you here about the book that made the man cry while he masterbated?
It was a real Tear-Jerker.
A man goes through a car accident...
A man goes through a car accident.
In the hospital, he is taken to emergency surgery. Unfortunely, the doctors couldn't save his legs.
He awakes a few hours later, in his room, where a doctor stands besides him.
"You've were in a car accident" the doctor told him "we had to take you to surgery in order to save you. I have both good news and bad news."
The man fills his eyes with tears:
"Oh god! Please doctor, tell me the bad news first!"
"Well, I'm sorry, but we couldn't save your legs. You will never walk again."
The man bursts out crying.
"A-and the good news?"
"Well... The man in the next room wants to buy your shoes."
Dog bite
A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."
A man is at the hospital..
....waiting for his son to be born. The doctor calls the man in. He enters the room and the doctor is holding the baby, doctor says "Sir, this is gonna seem odd but your baby can fly."
Before the man can say anything the Doctor drops the baby, and hits the floor, the mans jaw drops.
Doctor says "he was doing it a minute ago, let's try again" and throws the baby at the wall, again hitting it.
Man now in tears begs him to stop, doc says "one more try" and throws the baby out the window.
The man is now crying hysterically and yelling, doctor laughs and says "Relax, kid was dead when you walked in".
Jesus crosses the desert...
at a certain point he meets an old man. Jesus says "old man, what are you doing in the middle of the desert, all on your own?"
The old man answers "well, I have lost my son and I'm looking for him".
To this Jesus replies "I would like to help you, does your son have any special signs?"
The eyes of the old man light up and he shouts "yes!", indicating at his hands he says "he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at the old man, falls on his knees and with tears in his eyes cries out "father!!!"
The old man steps closer, embraces him and softly says "Pinocchio!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So a farmer walks into a bar with a horse...
He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
I was listening to Hank Williams earlier and thought about what a sad song "Tear in my Beer" was.
A grown man doesn't cry very often, especially in his beer. I mean, I did once.. in a Blue Moon.
A man walks Into a bar and orders a beer
He gets his drink and adds a little something to it and this macho guy comes in grabs his drink and slams it down. The man begins crying immediatly tears pouring down, he just seems so distraught.
The macho man tells him he is sorry offers to buy him another drink. The man goes
"it's not that today is the worst day of my life, I woke up and my car wouldn't start so I walked to work. When I got there my boss fired me for being late. So I walked all the way home in the pouring rain and when I got there I caught my wife with another man in our bed. I walked to the closes bar sat down poured poison into my drink and you drank that!"
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Most of the time
Most of the time, when you cry, no one notices your tears.
Most of the time, when you hurt, no one notices your pain.
Most of the time, you hold it in, and no one feels the ache.
Most of the time.
Until you f**... loudly in public.
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m**... is a sin. God cries when you do it.
Might as well use his tears as lubricant.
A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard
A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.
"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anything?!" he paused when he noticed he wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry for your loss." the groundskeeper said awkwardly. "You must miss your wife terribly."
"My wife?" The kneeling man said through his tears.
"This grave belongs to her first husband!"
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an irish girl confesses shes a p**... to her father
at first he gets s**... angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he says, "I thought you said you were a protestant!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a f**.......
All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.
So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."
Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside cafe where he orders a slice of Victoria sponge cake all round and a p**... of tea for four.
When the tea and cake arrives, he smiles sweetly and says, "Now, who's going to be mother?"
And all three young ladies burst into tears again.
Amy Schumer is a strong, independent woman that never sheds a tear.
Coz big girls don't cry.
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They say baby shampoo in tear free,
But I still cried when my uncle used it on me as l**....