Cry Jokes

156 cry jokes and hilarious cry puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cry that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Ready for a good laugh? Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about crying, devil may cry, onion cry, far cry, and more. Witness the laughs - and tears - as you explore these eye-watering stories!

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Funniest Cry Short Jokes

Short cry jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cry humour may include short howl jokes also.

  1. I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
  2. Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
  3. I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were. And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
  4. Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
  5. Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
  6. When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
  7. I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
  8. Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
  9. I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
    "No" she sobbed
    I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
  10. When christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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Cry One Liners

Which cry one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cry? I can suggest the ones about tears and onion.

  1. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
  2. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
  3. I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
  4. Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
  5. Why did the African 3 year old cry? He was having a mid life crisis
  6. why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
  7. Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry He was having a midlife crisis
  8. grape don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
  9. Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
  10. Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis
  11. My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
  12. Somebody help me find my apples! The man cried fruitlessly.
  13. What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry? Opinions
  14. Chuck Norris had a nightmare The nightmare ran into its moms room crying
  15. Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

Babies Cry Jokes

Here is a list of funny babies cry jokes and even better babies cry puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
  • Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
  • Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis
  • Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
    (Sorry If it's too dark)
  • Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
  • How do you make a baby cry? Drop it.
    How do you make a baby stop crying?
    Drop it again.
  • Why does an Ethiopian baby cry It's having a midlife crisis
  • I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
  • I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
  • Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying

Cry Baby Jokes

Here is a list of funny cry baby jokes and even better cry baby puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I slept like a baby last night. I woke every two hours and cried.
  • TIL babies cry in accents I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon
  • What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
  • Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath
  • Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…
  • Why was the baby strawberry crying? Her mom was in a jam
  • I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying
  • At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
  • I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn't think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
  • I sat next to a baby on a ten hour flight, and I couldn't believe that someone could cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby seemed surprised.

Onion Cry Jokes

Here is a list of funny onion cry jokes and even better onion cry puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion So I threw a coconut at her
  • When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
  • As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen Onions was a good dog :(
  • My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry So I broke his nose with a coconut.
  • My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying. Onions was a great dog.
  • When I was a kid... ... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.
  • .. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
  • A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry. So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
  • I Walked In On My Dad Chopping Onions Up One Day... It made me cry. Onions was my favorite dog.
  • My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her

Cry Tears Jokes

Here is a list of funny cry tears jokes and even better cry tears puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was mugged at a bus station, and burst in to tears. A police officer came up to me and said 'I'm fining you £60'.
    I said, 'oh, for crying out loud'
    The police officer said 'yes'
  • I saw the saddest movie ever. A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.
  • My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
  • What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry? ... A private-tear.
  • I gifted trampoline to my son on his 7th birthday I think he was so happy he bust into tears. He cried so hard that he fell out of his wheelchair
  • A pirate comes across a skull just sitting there randomly in the sand crying. The pirate asks "Why are you crying?" The skull replies through its tears " I'm all alone, I have nobody!"
  • How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas
  • I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face... ...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
  • I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying. I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.
  • Did you hear about the lady who was so crossed eyed that when she cries her tears go down her back? She got back-tear-ia.

Devil May Cry Jokes

Here is a list of funny devil may cry jokes and even better devil may cry puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What would happen if Dante from devil may cry was on Tumblr? He'd get devil triggerd

Hilarious Fun Cry Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about cry you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean onion cry jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cry pranks.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I call my car the p**... Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

Source: 1913 newspaper

When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back.

But, when you do, they're all running and screaming.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway..

I used to cry during s**...

but now pepper spray doesn't affect me

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....

An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

Why does Bill Cosby cry during s**...?

Pepper spray.

For some reason I always cry during s**....

I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.

How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?

10 tickles

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a s**... name for a dog anyway.

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?

It had a bison.

s**... with me is just like my childhood birthday parties

No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

I always cry before talking to attractive girls

Any tips against pepper spray?

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.
"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."
"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.
"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."
With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.

Why did the elk cry at the f**...?

He had lost a deer friend

Why could no one hear Helen Keller cry for help when she fell off a bridge?

She was wearing mittens

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed

As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, "I'll give you something to cry about"

We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market.

I don't like watching sad movies.

If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.

I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"

What bounces and makes little children cry?

My donation check to Feed the Children!

My girlfriend told me she's pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

What bounces and makes kids cry?

The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

Why do we cry.....

When it's the onions that are being hurt?

How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started to cry...

because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.
The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.
When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...
"My wife missed the bus!!"

My friend told me the onion is the only food that makes you cry.

I disagreed and threw a coconut at his face.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My child support checks.

My friend said that onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I killed his mom with a coconut.

Did you know that beer contains female hormones?

It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....

10 september 2001

The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."

So my friend told me...

So my friend told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a watermelon at him.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, Why are you crying?

Man: My wife said she won't talk with me for a month.
Waiter : That's terrible.
Man: Yes, the month ends today.

My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions...

until I hit him in the face with a coconut.

I often cry after s**....

But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.

Are you my homework?

Because I want to slam you down on my desk. Try to do you for 5 minutes, give up, cry, and have my dad do you for me.

My friend said an onion is the only food that can make you cry

I threw a coconut at him.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation check to the orphanage.

I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline

But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day

What starts with O, and ends with -nions and makes people cry?


One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.
How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.
Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.
I see, and how are the beets?
Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!
And what about the potatoes?
Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!
The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.
Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.


My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.
I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

I made a Starbucks barista cry

I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.

My friend told my that onion was the only food that made people cry..

So I threw a coconut at him

Why didn't Kim Jong Un cry when he heard his half brother, Kim Jong Nam, had been killed?

Because the news was unbereaveable.

jokes about cry