cruz Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cruz puns

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

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Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

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A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

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Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

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Trump and Cruz are fighting over whose dick is bigger and whose spouse is a bigger whore.

Two more contests Hillary will win.

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said 'Never Again .

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A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have Senator Cruz?"

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

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Most people don't know that back in 1912...

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.

It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.

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Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Well... there goes Ted's reputation

Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do

Ted Cruz: Hold my milk

Trump: Wait, this isn't milk...

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Yup! It got me...

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.'

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Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

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A Cuban, a Canadian, and a homophobic walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

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Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

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Donald Trump & Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar...

Donald says to Ted

"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."

Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.

Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"

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Looks like Ted Cruz got busted...

...bustin'

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What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

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Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But we all know the tragedy that occurred..

The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.

This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**

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A man walks into a bar and sees Trump and Cruz talking...

He asks them what they are talking about. Cruz says that they are planning World War 3. Trump explains the plan, which is killing 140 million Muslims and a porn star. The man asks, "Why the porn star?". Then Trump says to Cruz, "See, I told you nobody cares about 140 million Muslims!"

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

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A fun bit of history

Most people don't realize that back in 1912 Hellmanns was produced in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment that was scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the ill fated ship after its stop in NY. This would have been the largest single shipment of the condiment ever delivered to Mexico at the time.

And the ship sank.

The Mexican people loved the condiment so much, and the loss was so devastating tgat the Mexican people declared a national day of mourning the day the shipment qas suppose d to arrive. This tradition is observed every year of course on May fifth, otherwise known by the locals as Sinko de Mayo.

Cheers!

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Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?

They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.

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Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

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The Titanic

So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.

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Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

It saves so much time.

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How do Republicans drive cars?

With Cruz control.

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Rick Santorum drops out and throws his support to Ted Cruz

Thanks for nothing!

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Did you hear the Zodiac is turning himself in?

He didn't appreciate the comparisons to Ted Cruz.

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Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon

[hope you can decrypt it]

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What do you call a crazy weapon?

A Cruz Missile.

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GOP Debate

Donald Trump has a big dick.

Donald Trump implied that Marco Rubio had a tiny penis

Ted Cruz ate a booger

THE ARISTOCRATS!!!

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Four guys on a plane with three parachutes break the fourth wall.

Four guys were on an airplane when it started to crash. Then they discovered there were only three parachutes. The four guys were Bill Gates, Bill Nye, Neil Degrasse Tyson, and Ted Cruz. They argued over who got to use the three parachutes. Since the scientists and geeks knew this joke usually ends with the smartest guy in the world jumping out with an empty backpack, they decided to take Tyson's suggestion and throw Cruz out the door because he didn't believe in gravity and wouldn't need it anyway.

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Matt Answers – Am I Safe From Sharks at Santa Cruz Beaches?

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A Cuban, a Canadian and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. Cruz?"

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What are the most funny Cruz jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cruz? Well, here are the best Cruz dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cruz pick up lines to share with friends.

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