Cruise Jokes
139 cruise jokes and hilarious cruise puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cruise that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your next cruise vacation even more enjoyable with some fun and laughter! Get ready to laugh out loud with these hilarious cruise jokes about cruise ships, luxury cruises, bingo, cruise directors and more. With these cruise jokes, you'll be sure to have the funniest cruise yet!
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Funniest Cruise Short Jokes
Short cruise jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cruise humour may include short ship jokes also.
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow. It's called a Ted Cruise
- I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise... ...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
- So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
- I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me. Can't wait till this cruise is over.
- My mom told me that Jesus died when his royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross. So...was that cruise a fiction?
- what do you call a cruise full of college graduates? a Scholar-ship !
- Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks. - Olympic Sailing results are in! denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
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Cruise One Liners
Which cruise one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cruise? I can suggest the ones about vacation and crew.
- An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives? The flambuoyants.
- I stole a tom cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
- Have you heard about the new Scientologist car? It's got cruise control...
- So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
- The woman that fell off the cruise ship has been named Eileen Dover
- Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover
- Tom Cruise walks into a gay bar... The barman says, "Why the long farce?"
- Did you hear about the cruise that was rated 3.14 out of 10? It was a pi-rate ship
- People think Tom Cruise is short for a man It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"
- Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible
- I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.
- What did Tom Cruise say when he went to the art museum? Show me the Monet!
- Cruise Control? Is that when you tell Tom what to do?
- What is a zombie's favourite activity on a cruise ship? Shuffleboard!
- If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it? Whiskey Business
Cruise Ships Jokes
Here is a list of funny cruise ships jokes and even better cruise ships puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs.... Now, I have a Caribbean Island and a cruise ship.
- Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship… The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs. - Two wires at sea Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.
The other was stranded. - Do you all have time for a the joke about the world's fastest cruise ship? Don't worry, it's a quick one liner.
- What do you call it when two transgender people go on a couples cruise around Hawaii? A trans pacific partner ship.
- What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner? I will not sync with this ship.
- A cruise ship with a Gay Pride party on board... ran into a storm and began to take on water quickly but by some miracle did not sink.
What saved the ship?
"flambuoyancy" - My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week. My mate asked, "How's she getting on?"
I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane." - What was the most popular dish on the rave cruise ship? Sea Bass
- the latest trend I hear the latest trend is to install trampolines on cruise ships - apparently everyone's jumping on board
Tom Cruise Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom cruise jokes and even better tom cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.
- I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.... He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...
- I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it. It would be risky business
- Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition It's called Whisky Business
- Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight. One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.
- what's the most impressive thing about tom cruise performing his own stunts? he does it in heels
- Tom Cruise starts a cooking show... "Whisky Business."
Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right? - I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight. Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.
- What was Tom Cruises first marriage called? The Manchild vs. Kidman
——
Please go easy, I know it's not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name. - What do you call a robot that looks like Tom Cruise? An Automatom
Cruise Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny cruise control jokes and even better cruise control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car? She got tired of all that Cruise control.
- What do cars and Scientology have in common? Cruise control
- Blonde found dead inside car at bottom of ocean She forgot to turn on cruise control...
- If Tom Cruise had an intervention to an addiction... They should call it "Cruise Control."
Luxury Cruise Jokes
Here is a list of funny luxury cruise jokes and even better luxury cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was kidnapped, my parents immediately sprung into action. They spent my college fund on a luxury cruise.
Cruise Ship Jokes
Here is a list of funny cruise ship jokes and even better cruise ship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BREAKING NEWS: A Red Cruise ship and a Blue Naval Vessel have collided in the Caribbean... ...and the survivors are marooned.
- I Didn't realise the ship I sailing on was a gay cruise.. until the captain introduced himself as The rear admiral
- I'm So Poor! I wanted to go on a cruise holiday but I couldn't afford the shipping fee. So then I thought I'd just watch a horror movie instead, but again, I couldn't afford the fright charges!
- The one place to should head to straight away during a zombie apocalypse on a cruise ship. A salad bar.
- What do you call a cruise ship built in Thailand? Thaitanic
- A man is on a fancy cruise ship... And he says, I really like this one liner!
- I tried seducing a woman on a cruise ship But we were just passing ships in the night
- What does the Captian of the cruise ship say when you aks him "Are we sailing the wrong direction?" "Off course"
- What did the emperor say to the captain of the cruise ship? Release your anchor.
Amusing & Witty Cruise Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about cruise you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cruise pranks.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship
And the news presenter says "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance at my girlfriend, and now it's all kicked off!
Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing
The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship
They were both clinging to a life preserver. o**..., knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"
The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke!
Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most n**... joke involving a Disney character.
my friend said he would buy me a game on steam if i can come up with a joke based on these subjects. if you guys could help! id be really appreciated! if not i understand this is asking a lot.
Russians,a Small Animal, an American,a Brazilian and a Cruise Ship. thanks in advance for anything any one comes up with!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Original] This is the only time of year...
.... that it's acceptable for middle-aged men to cruise around town looking for Girl Scouts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men are greedy b**....
A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.
The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.
Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful b**... should remember - fairies are female.
Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
Cruise ship and the bearded man
From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
So the Polish guy found an ocean cruise for only $100...
His friend warned him that it was too good to be true, but he didn't listen. They sailed in the late afternoon, and right around dusk, someone conked him on the back of the head, took his wallet and dumped him overboard. Seeing a fellow passenger in the same predicament, he asked "Do they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The fellow replies "They didn't last year!"
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise..
I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.
They should roast Tom Cruise sometime...
Call it the Cruise-ifixion
I Asked My Black Friend If He Wanted to Go on a Cruise with me.
He said that his ancestors made that same mistake and that he's not falling for it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship
When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"
The rabbi says,"f**... the children."
The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"
Trip to Norway
I took a cruise to Norway and brought along my SUV to explore the country for a few weeks. While unloading my vehicle from the ship, the cable broke, dumping the car into the water. Now I have a Fjord Explorer.
Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.
When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.
The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."
Joke bank - Joke of the Day
A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.
The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.
So I went on a gay cruise
It was a ferry.
What kind of cruise line does Satin use?
The Satanic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb, one to tell Tom Cruise that it cost $40,000.
A husband's new wife really wants...
A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?
There are 280 Navy personnel on a destroyer when they leave for a cruise. Not a single one comes back....
...just 140 couples.
How long did the Norwegian Sea cruise take?
About fjordy minutes
There is a new cruise line that goes down the west coast of South America
It's called Perusing
'Hotel Transylvania' missed an opportunity because monsters on a cruise are not on the Love Boat...
They're on a Love Craft.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay a**... long enough to get his wife pregnant.
It's called 'emission impossible'
My wife and I broke up
Looking back it just seems silly. We broke up because of our dream vacations of all things.
I always dreamed of going on an Alaskan cruise, whereas she always dreamed of sleeping with my best friend.
In the spirit of compromise I surprised her by suggesting we try both.
The biggest surprise, though, was that we each enjoyed the other's suggestion more.
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why won't black people board cruise ships?
We're not falling for that b**... again.
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
It's nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic
One Direction by Kanye West
Guitars by Mel Gibson
Mining by Brad Pitt
Pear Cider by Katy Perry
Ship Building by Tom Cruise
How to Move Things by Jim Carrey
Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman
American Motors by Harrison Ford
Wild Animals by Will Ferrell
Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.
"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"
"Good!" everyone says in unison.
The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.
I said, Don't worry. We are all on the same boat.
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.
I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone.
It was then that my worst fears were realized, that I was trapped on a dessert Island.
Why are there no Portuguese cruise lines in Africa?
They're not falling for that twice!
Old lady on a cruise...
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
