Crude Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

An old goody

A plane goes down in the middle of the Africa and has only one survivor, a man who is mostly unscathed. He begins to trek to the coast, figuring it his best chance to find people.

Less than two hours later a tribe of a few dozen pygmies surrounds the man, brandishing crude spears and screaming at him in a language he doesn't understand. The man, after trying and failing to communicate, says "God, I'm fucked now."

Then a voice booms from the heavens. "NO YOU'RE NOT! GRAB THE SPEAR OUT OF THE CHIEF'S HANDS AND STAB HIM WITH IT!" The man jumps back, looking up. "Who are you?" "I AM GOD!"

So the man leaps forward and wrestles the spear away from the leader of the tribe, slamming the head into the man's chest and tipping him back. He then holds it before him as the tribe begins to close in.

"God, god! What now?!"

"**NOW** YOU'RE FUCKED!"

Dirty Taxes

Woman walks into accountant's office.

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He says, Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, What is your occupation?

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The woman replies, I'm a whore.

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The accountant balks and says, No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's rephrase

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The woman, Ok, I'm a prostitute.

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No, that is still too crude. Try again.

---

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, I'm a chicken farmer.

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The accountant asks, What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?

---

Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

Little Johnny

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day...
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

Taxing Professions

A woman goes to an accountant to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I need to ask a few questions. What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant says, "No, no, no. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman replies, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 c**ks last year."

One saturday morning,three boys came down to the kitchen and sits around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

I'II have some fuckin' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at hid crude language. She hits him and sends him to his room.

When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' french toast for me, he says. The mom is livid. She smacks hum and sends him away.

Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him ehat he wants for breakfast.
I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the fuckin' french toast!

I don't want to be crude...

Two drops of oil are at the oil refinery. One turns to the other and says "I dont want to be crude, but its fucking hot in here"


(My friend made up this joke, it's now one of my favourites)

A woman walks into the dentist's office...

It's kind of a crude NSFW joke I've known for years.

So a woman walks into the dentist's office, she sits in the chair, she takes her skirt off, takes her underwear off and spreads her legs waiting for the dentist.

The dentist is, obviously, shocked and begins to mutter "Miss, this must be a mistake, the Gynecologist's office is 2 blocks over..." to which the woman responds "No, it's no mistake, doctor. *You* put in my husband's dentures, *you*'ll take them out."

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

What's crude and beneath most Canadians?

America

A cop pulls over a woman...

...who is wearing very slutty attire.

Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I'll have to give you a ticket.

Woman: Oh officer, surely there's something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts*

Cop: For you information, ma'am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orientation, I am extremely offended at your crude, sleazy attempt to avoid the law.

The woman's eyes widen, but then she smirks.

Woman: Oh officer, surely there's something I can do to help you. *pulls out massive cock*

I was going to make a joke about an oil refinery...

but I didn't want to make a crude joke.

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

Kindergarten

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

It's a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said, But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

Racist Jokes

Can we please start a thread of just racist jokes? Honestly the jokes here are really lacking we can combat that with crude racism.

Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks,

who liked to write limericks.

But his Poems were crude,

and many lewd,

so his balls were often kicked.

A real cliffhanger....

Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?


Unfortunately it was very foul mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.


He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

Insult me with your BEST, most offensive , crude insults you can think of!

Let's see who can make me cry, and rethink continuing living!

A barrel of oil swore at me.

So I told it to stop being crude

What did the American refined oil say to the oil barrels from the Middle East?

"Crude!"

What do you call a crude parody of goats?

A Satyr

Silly Political/Finance Joke

What do Vladimir Putin, Crude Oil, and the Russian Ruble have in common?

They're all going to be 65 this year.

The Pope walks into a bar

Pope: Can you make a bloody mary virgin?

Bartender: i thought that's your business! No need for such crude language.

What happens to crude people?

Crucified.

When I'm drunk, I'm like South Park

I'm crude and offends everyone

Why do fish have such bad manners?

It's because of all the crude oil they keep ingesting.

What do you call a country of people who are crass, crude and constantly curse?

Vulgaria

So Rex Tillerson was fired by a tweet!

That must have been a crude awakening for him.

If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys people call her a slut, if a guy does the same thing hes gay.

Saw this in passing thought it was funny if a bit crude.

What do you call crude oil ?

Dino-sauce

What to do with crude oil?

Teach it some manners!

What did the refined oil say to the oil barrel with bad manners?

"Crude!"

What are the funniest crude jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Crude? Well, here are the best Crude puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Crude pick up lines to share with friends.

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