crucified Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious crucified puns

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.


how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs


I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.


How do you think Jesus felt about being crucified?

I'll bet he was a little cross.


I understand why Jesus was crucified

But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.


What's the difference between being crucified and being a hooker?

The face you make while you're being nailed.


Today, Jesus rose from the dead. He had been wipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think he flew united.


What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

He gets a little cross.


There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!


Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*


A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.

And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.

When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.


Ever hear the joke Jesus made right before he was crucified?

I heard he nailed it.


Jesus didn't become Holy until after he was crucified


How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?

He was cross.


If Jesus died on 4/20, he wouldn't have been crucified....

he would've been stoned to death


Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?

Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.



It's only 29 days to Christmas.

I fucking hate Christmas.

Whoever invented it should be crucified.


With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...

"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."


I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus.

I'm a cross dresser.


A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to his father's house.*

Son: Dad! I did what you asked me. They're both here. Why did you want them here anyway?

Father: You see son, when Jesus was crucified, he died next to 2 thieves. So I wanted to go the same way.


Backwards Compatibility.

People hated on the new console generation because they weren't backwards compatible, the Internet practically crucified Sony and Microsoft. But really people have always been like this.

Did you see what they did to that Jesus guy when he announced Christianity was no longer backwards compatible with Judaism?


Do you know why the feminist went to church?

She heard there was a man crucified.


What do you call a crucified zombie?

Jesus Christ.


Jesus is crucified and ascends to Heaven.

When he arrives, he is beyond pissed at God. He says "Dad, why did you let them nail me to a piece of wood? That fucking hurt!" and God replies "Don't get cross with me, young man!"


When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t


What do you get when you mix a Canadian and a Chinese?


I'll see myself out now, Before I get crucified.


What did the crucified criminal say to his executioner?

Hey man, don't leave me hangin'!


There was this church that was so so small

That instead of having a crucified jesus they had one hanging


What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

He was cross.


Why do people say Jesus Christ is going to come back?

It's not like he's been crucified to a boomerang or something.


What did they call Jesus Christ when he was crucified?



Did you hear about the magician who went to perform on stage in Jerusalem?

He got absolutely crucified


St. Peter's Test

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die simultaneously and are instantly before St. Peter at heaven's gate.

St. Peter says, "Before I let you in, you must explain the meaning of Easter!"

The brunette answers first. "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!" She is instantly sent to hell.

The redhead answers next. "Easter is when we celebrate love and romance!" She is also sent to the inferno.

Finally the blonde answers. "Easter is when Jesus was crucified and buried in a big tomb!"

Pleasantly surprised, St. Peter encourages her to continue.

"Oh, there's more" says the blonde. "Every year he comes out of the tomb, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

St. Peter fell over.


When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death?

Cross Contamination


What's the worst thing to do on Easter?

Get Crucified


What are the most funny Crucified jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Crucified? Well, here are the best Crucified dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Crucified pick up lines to share with friends.

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