Crucified Jokes

What are some Crucified jokes?

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs

I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.

How do you think Jesus felt about being crucified?

I'll bet he was a little cross.

I understand why Jesus was crucified

But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.

What's the difference between being crucified and being a hooker?

The face you make while you're being nailed.

Today, Jesus rose from the dead. He had been wipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think he flew united.

What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

He gets a little cross.

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.

And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.

When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.

Ever hear the joke Jesus made right before he was crucified?

I heard he nailed it.

Jesus didn't become Holy until after he was crucified

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...

and I thought I nailed it.

How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?

He was cross.

If Jesus died on 4/20, he wouldn't have been crucified....

he would've been stoned to death

Why was Jesus crucified and not electrocuted?

Because if they had electrocuted him, today, 100 million Catholics wouldn't bless themselves with a cross. They would scream "Aaaarrrrrgggghhh!" and shake.

With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...

"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."

I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus.

I'm a cross dresser.

What did the Centurion say when he crucified Jesus?

Nailed it

A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to his father's house.*

Son: Dad! I did what you asked me. They're both here. Why did you want them here anyway?

Father: You see son, when Jesus was crucified, he died next to 2 thieves. So I wanted to go the same way.

Backwards Compatibility.

People hated on the new console generation because they weren't backwards compatible, the Internet practically crucified Sony and Microsoft. But really people have always been like this.

Did you see what they did to that Jesus guy when he announced Christianity was no longer backwards compatible with Judaism?

When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t

What do you call a crucified zombie?

Jesus Christ.

Do you know why the feminist went to church?

She heard there was a man crucified.

What do you get when you mix a Canadian and a Chinese?


I'll see myself out now, Before I get crucified.

I've never been crucified...

But Jesus, that must hurt!

What did the crucified criminal say to his executioner?

Hey man, don't leave me hangin'!

There was this church that was so so small

That instead of having a crucified jesus they had one hanging

What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

He was cross.

Why do people say Jesus Christ is going to come back?

It's not like he's been crucified to a boomerang or something.

When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death?

Cross Contamination

Did you hear about the magician who went to perform on stage in Jerusalem?

He got absolutely crucified

What did they call Jesus Christ when he was crucified?


What's the worst thing to do on Easter?

Get Crucified

Did you know Jesus actually got married after he was resurrected and ascended into heaven?

His dad surprised him with an arranged marriage by having Marry Magdalene crucified as well. It was one of those *nail order brides*.

How to make Crucified jokes?

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