Crowded House Jokes
14 crowded house jokes and hilarious crowded house puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crowded house that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Crowded House Short Jokes
Short crowded house jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crowded house humour may include short crowd jokes also.
- I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".
- "I'm looking for something by Crowded House in one of the main languages of Switzerland" "How about 'Don't dream it's over' in German?"
"Genau, genau..." - 22, Male, Los Angeles, and hoping to find some hot tinder matches in my area Please, this shelter's getting too crowded. I don't want to lose my house again.
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Crowded House Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about crowded house you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean haunted house jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crowded house pranks.
Jesus is hanging on the cross.
There's a big loud crowd gathered when he's heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he's beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and b**... Matthew makes it to the cross.
Yes lord what do you have to tell me
Jesus replies I can see your house from up here
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Jesus is on the cross..
..fading fast he yells to his disciple Paul.
"Paul come to me my child. Come to me!"
Paul musters all his strength to break through the crowd.
"Yes my lord, I am coming to you"
Jesus continues to yell for Paul. Paul now crying falls at Jesus feet....
"Yes my lord!!!?"
"Paul, I can see your house from here".
Some friends are talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.
Some friends are sitting at a table talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.
One friend points at an empty table and says, Whoever thinks their wife is the alpha sit over there.
Everyone, but one man goes over to the empty table and sits.
Everyone applauds, You're the alpha of the house?
No, my wife doesn't like me sitting in crowded places.
Today is the 13th day of Christmas. My house is over-run with noisy birds and a crowd of hungry and confused pipers, drummers, lords and ladies. On top of all that...
...my true love was arrested for human trafficking.
You know who you are....
I had a party at my house and a buddy of mine walked over to me from the crowd. I said do you know those three people that just walked in? He said to me "...the guy who does CrossFit, the vegetarian and the atheist?" I looked at him quizzically and said "Do you know them?" "No, not at all" He quipped, "it was literally the first thing they said when they walked in the door."
Donkey screws a girl
A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.
Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'
As predicted, the show quickly sells out and the tent is packed to standing capacity....
The ringmaster walks in with a skimpily cladded female performer and a Donkey who looks capable of serious damage....followed by a clown carrying a covered tray.
The crowd goes wild as the performers take centre-stage..
The ringmaster then uncovers the tray with a flourish saying, 'Gentlemen, I present to you... Donkey, Screws, A Girl'
A man has a talking dog
A man takes his talking dog to a talent show to showcase its talent.
They come on stage and the man says to the dog 'What do you find on trees?' and the dog replies 'Bark, bark'. The crowd boos.
The man says to the dog 'what do you find on top of a house?' and the dog replies 'roof, roof'. By this time the jeering intensifies and the crowd start throwing stuff on stage so embarrassed the pair return home.
In the car on the way home the dog turns to the man and says, 'Do you think I should have said chimney?'
Jesus was calling to his disciple Peter
Jesus was nailed on the cross and his followers were pushed back by the Romans.
Jesus saw his favorite disciple Peter in the crowd and called out to him, "Peter come to me."
Peter tried pushing his way to his teacher and the Romans pushed back cutting his arm in the process.
Jesus again called, "Peter come to me."
Peter pushes through the next row of Romans but again meets the blade of a soldier and his other arm is cut.
Jesus pleading now, "Peter my son, come to me."
Peter makes the final push and is now crawling missing a leg cut off by an aggressive Roman.
"I'm here my master, what is it you want to tell me?"
"Peter, I can see my house from here!"
Jesus is hanging on the cross, but before he dies, he yells to one of his Apostles...
"Matthew! Matthew! Come to me, I have something I need to tell you." Matthew is standing in the crowd, so he starts pushing everyone out of the way. "Come quick, I do not have much time!" Jesus yells. Matthew continues, and gets pretty beaten up on the way, but finally, he makes it up there to the cross. "What is it?" he asks.
Jesus replies "Look, look far out there in the distance..." "What? What is it?" Matthew says.
"Matthew, I can see your house from up here!"
The Pain Machine
A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.
"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."
She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get c**... when he still feels fine.
"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."
The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"
The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.
"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"