Cross The Street Jokes
132 cross the street jokes and hilarious cross the street puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cross the street that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cross The Street Short Jokes
Short cross the street jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cross the street humour may include short cross the road jokes also.
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me! Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
- They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris… Then they realized nobody can cross chuck norris and live.
- A man fixes a lightbulb, crosses the street, and walks into a bar. He tells the bartender: "My whole life is a joke."
- A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.
- A woman asks her husband: Woman: Honey, what if someone on the street tried to hit on me and said: "Hey beautiful."?
Husband: Help him cross the road! He must be blind! - 3 guys walk into a car No not a bar. A car. They were looking at their phones while crossing the street
- Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream? He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street
- Yesterday I was walking, and I was wondering why everyone always told me to look both ways before crossing a street. And then it hit me.
- Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street And then getting hit by an airplane.
- I tried to help an old lady cross the street. Apparently, cars don't do a good job pushing people.
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Cross The Street One Liners
Which cross the street one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cross the street? I can suggest the ones about crossing the street and crossing the road.
- How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto In a bucket
- Why did the boomer cross the street? To show how it's done.
- Why did sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street? She got hit by a Bus.
- How did Jesus get to the other side of the street? He used the Cross Walk.
- She died doing what she loved... Looking at her phone while crossing the street
- What did the mouse say the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant
- Why did the nose cross the street? No body nose.
- Why did the old lady keep crossing the street? She was in Harlem.
- I used to look both ways before I crossed the street... then I got health insurance.
- Why didn't the chicken care to cross the street? It wasn't hungry.
- Why did the Chicken cross the street? Beak-cause, she didn't want to chicken out.
- Why did the one hand skeleton cross the street? To get to the second hand store!
- Why did the politician cross the street? That's up for debate.
- Why did the trigonometruc function cross the street? It did not want to lie tangent to it
- How did Darth Vader cross the street? Ewoked.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Street Jokes
Here is a list of funny why did the chicken cross the street jokes and even better why did the chicken cross the street puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the chicken and the freemason cross the street? To get the Yolk Rite.
- What did the chicken say to the egg as it was crossing the street? After you.
- Why did the chicken cross the street I don't know. Ask *Kim Jong Un*
- Why did the man cross the street when he saw the chicken foot? Because he suspected fowl play was afoot!
- Why did the chicken cross the street? To meet Dave.
- Why did the chicken cross the street? To get laid.
Uproarious Cross The Street Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about cross the street you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross road jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cross the street pranks.
Q: Why did the cow cross the street? A: To get to the udder side.
A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she's at. The blonde replies, "I'm on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk."
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital.
While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience.
She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?"
He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live."
After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast e**... and abdominal fat removal.
She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’.
She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible.
After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her…
While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?"
And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In India, cows wait until Chuck Norris crosses the street.
When Chuck crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris helps little old ladies cross the street...
Bad guys get kicked to the curb!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good Deeds
Professor walks in to the classroom.
Professor: Greetings students, today we are going to talk about good deeds! I'm going to ask each and everyone of you to tell me a good deed that you might have done over the past month. Derpet! we'll start with you!
Derpet: Well, I helped an old lady cross the street the other day!
Profesor: Very good Derpet! Derpson, your turn!
Derspon: I gave some money to a homeless guy yesterday.
Profesor: Excellent! Derp, what about you?
Derp: I prevented a beating and a r**...!!
Profesor: MY GOD!! that is amazing Derp!! how did you manage to do such a thing!? 0_0
Derp: I persuade her!
A blonde crossing the road gets hit by a truck....
The truck driver jumps out to check on her.
Are you all right? he asks.
Everything is just a blur, says the blonde as she's lying in the street.
The man holds his hand in front of her face and asks, How many fingers have I got up?
Oh, no! she yells. Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down too!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
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Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".
Ketchup and rubber buns
DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".
KID: Gotcha.
DAD: what did you buy at the store?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What did you have for dinner?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?
KID: Ketchup and rub....... HEY!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
An Australian man decides to visit New York City...
An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks "What's the matter?! Did you come here to die?"
The Australian man simply replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
How does a blond cross the road?
A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store.
The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?"
The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"
Two peanuts cross the street.
One was assaulted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street?
You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭
Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A man was crossing the street when suddenly..
He gets hit by a car. Worried that he might go to the police, the driver gives the victim 10 bucks to let him get away and not go to the police. Feeling lucky, the man takes the money and then asks the driver:
- Sir, do you come here often?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four braggarts in a bar
Julius Caesar, Hannibal, Moses, and Bob are sitting in a bar bragging.
Caesar starts, "I and my army forded the Rubicon to face destiny." The bartender replies, "That sounds like a portentous crossing."
Hannibal says, "I and my army traversed the Alps with elephants to gain a strategic advantage against Rome." The bartender replies, "That sounds like a prodigious crossing."
Moses says, "I and my people parted the Red Sea to walk to freedom." The bartender replies, "That sounds like a preternatural crossing."
Bob says, "Me 'n' me mates went over the street for kebabs." The bartender replies, "That sounds like a pedestrian crossing."
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
Two men get into an elevator
Two men get into an elevator in a doctors office. One man, beaming says to the other, "I just got a brand new hearing aid. It works great; if you were to drop a pin, I could hear it; if a mouse were to sneeze cross the street, I would hear it." The second man replies "thats impressive, what kind is it?" The first man looks down at his watch and says "11 o'clock."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two crossed eyed guys bump into each other in the street...
One says, "why don't you look where you're goin" and the other says "why don't you go where you're lookin!"
The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...
... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.
So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"
The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"
A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street
A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:
"There's no easy way to say this..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Bean and Einstein
Mr. Bean and Einstein were taking a coffee when Einstein challenges Mr. Bean to a knowledge challenge.
**Einstein**: here is the deal, Bean. I'll make you a question. If you don't know the answer you give me 1$. Then you ask me something and if I have no answers for you, I'll give you 1000$
**Mr. Bean**: Fine.
Einstein, sure of his upcoming success, proceeds to ask Bean his question.
**Einstein**: What's the basic of quantum physics?
**Mr. Bean**: ehm...
He gives Einstein $1.
**Einstein**: alright, it's your turn now.
**Mr. Bean**: What has four legs while crossing the street, five legs when sitting down and two legs while flying?
Einstein thinks once, twice... But he really can't come up with an answer so he gives Mr. Bean $1000.
But then...
**Einstein**: But what was the answer?
*Mr. Bean gives Einstein $1*.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the chicken cross the street?
**DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE!**
2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money
(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... cross the street?
To get to the GENO-SIDE!
What did the former governor of California say after he helped the old lady cross the street?
I'm Arnold to assist you.
A man has a car accident...
A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.
'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.
'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'
'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'
'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'
A joke told by my Polish grandmother....
Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."
The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.
The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"
"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the console peasant cross the street?
To render the building on the other side!
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
What do you call a zombie crossing the street?
A Jaywalker
When the dog saw the cat, why did he cross the street?
He was chasing tail. ^I'll^show^myself^out...
How did Fozzie Bear cross the street?
He waka, waka, waka!
Chuck norris...enough said
There used to be a street near the school called Chuck Norris street, but they had to change the name, because no one crosses chuck norris and lives
What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.
He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street.
Afterwards he said, "Sank you." So I punched him in the face.
He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
Why did the blind man cross the street ?
At least he tried ......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.
She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.
She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.
She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.
She panicked and began to scream and run h**...-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run h**...-for-leather too.
Whatever it was, I was d**... if it was going to catch me first.
P.S. It's an old one, but I doubt the original used semi-colons, so give me that.
Why did the one armed man cross the street?
To find a second hand arms dealer...
(changeup on ShaclOne's joke)
Why did Stevie Wonder run away from the black cat crossing the street under a ladder?
He was very Superstitious.
Mr. Bean vs Einstein
*Einstein*: I will give you a question and you will give me one. If you can't answer my question, you will give me $!, and if I can't answer your question, I'll give you $1000!
*Mr. Bean*: Okay.
*Einstein*: What is a light year a measure of?
*Mr. Bean*: *Gives Einstein $1*
*Einstein*: It's a measure of distance! Okay, your turn.
*Mr. Bean*: What is the animal that has 4 legs, and when he crosses a street he only has 2 legs, and when he goes back, he only has 5 legs?
*Einstein*: *(Thinks very hard)*... I don't know, I can't answer that...*(Einstein gives Mr. Bean $1000)*
*Einstein*: But what animal is that, Mr. Bean?
*Mr. Bean*: *Gives Einstein $1*
The story of Mr. Bean vs. Einstein
Einstein: I will give you a question, and you will give a question to me as well. If you can't answer my question, you will give me $1, and if I can't answer your question, I will give you $1000.
Mr. Bean: OK
Einstein: (gives Mr. Bean a hard question)
Mr. Bean: (gives Einstein a dollar)
Einstein: Okay, your turn.
Mr. Bean: What is the animal that has 4 legs, and when he crosses a street has only 2 legs, and when he goes back, he has 5 legs.
Einstein: (thinking very long) I give up. I can't answer that. (Einstein gives Mr. Bean $1000)
Einstein: But what animal is that, Mr. Bean?
Mr. Bean: (gives $1 to Einstein)
Why did the cucumber cross the street?
Because it was green.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a n**... member crossing the street?
A pederastrian
How long have I been married?
Long enough I don't look both ways when I cross the street.
A girl is crossing the street with three tomatoes
As she is crossing the street, one gets hit by a car. She turns around and says ketchup!
What would you do if you saw a fat lady crossing the street?
Ketchup and liquor
What do you get when you cross a street lamp and a bad comedian?
u/TheJenkinsComic
^^^(sorry buddy I had to do it, LOL)
An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.
"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died." One of the children raised his hand and asked, "Where's his bike?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I look both ways before crossing a one street.
That is how much faith I have left for humanity.
A man gets a letter from his Lawyer
Since he hasn't needed a lawyer in several years he is somewhat surprised by this, so he opens it up and is surprised to see it's bill.
"Hello Bob,
The other day I thought I saw you, I crossed the street to say hello but it wasn't you, so I crossed back.
$50 for time worked"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
When you cross the line you're only half way.
A guy crossing the street is hit by a car and he is hurled to the street.. The driver yells out the window "watch out"!
The man on the street yelled back "why? Are you coming back"?
