Cross Eyed Jokes

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Rabbi and A King

A rabbi and a king are traveling the countryside together, talking to people in the area and generally getting to know them better. Before crossing a bridge to the other part of the country, night falls, and they decide to stay at a nearby hotel. They wake up the next morning and head to the bridge a short time later.
Before crossing, a man walks up to them and asks if they are planning to cross the bridge. They reply yes, and the man warns them that a troll lives under the bridge, and kills people by tripping them, resulting in people falling off the bridge and dying. The king and rabbi thank the man and continue on.
They reach the bridge and look across. They do not see any sign of a troll and begin to cross. Halfway across, they see a flash before their eyes, and the king suddenly yells as the troll has begun to trip him.
The rabbi yells, "Wait spare him, trip me instead!" The troll looks back at him, and smiles saying "Silly rabbi, trips are for kings!"

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"
Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."
Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.
"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"
"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

Jesus crosses the desert...

at a certain point he meets an old man. Jesus says "old man, what are you doing in the middle of the desert, all on your own?"
The old man answers "well, I have lost my son and I'm looking for him".
To this Jesus replies "I would like to help you, does your son have any special signs?"
The eyes of the old man light up and he shouts "yes!", indicating at his hands he says "he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at the old man, falls on his knees and with tears in his eyes cries out "father!!!"
The old man steps closer, embraces him and softly says "Pinocchio!"

Hit a rooster

A traveling salesman was driving through farm country. He took his eye off the road for a second, then all of a sudden "WHAM!" -- he ran over a rooster crossing the road.
He stopped the car, got out, confirmed the rooster was dead, and saw a nearby farmhouse. He drove up to the house, knocked on the door, and an old farmer answered. The salesman said, "I was driving past and I think I accidentally ran over your rooster. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm more than willing to replace him."
The farmer looked puzzled for a minute, and finally shrugged his shoulders and said "Suit yourself. The hens are around the back."

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While waiting to cross he see's a gorgeous blonde waiting to cross as well. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that she is checking him out. Finally, they make eye contact and with a curious look on her face she asks, "What is that bulge in your pants?" "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh my gosh, that has GOT to hurt" she said "I had tennis elbow once."