Cross Eyed Jokes

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A: I can't control my pupils!

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

Being cross-eyed has made it difficult for me to stay in monogamous relationships

Sometimes when I'm seeing a girl I can't help but also see someone else on the side

What do you called someone who is cross-eyed?

Eye can't even

Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter?

He *literally* can't even.

Two crossed eyed guys bump into each other in the street...

One says, "why don't you look where you're goin" and the other says "why don't you go where you're lookin!"

You guys ever hear the joke about the cross-eyed seamstress?..

She couldn't mend straight.
Disclaimer: My 80+ year old grandfather told me this joke over the weekend so it is older than sin, figured you guys may enjoy it. Sorry if re-post.

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

I knew a guy who was dyslexic...

...but he was also cross-eyed, so everything came out right.

What do you get when you cross a leopard and a camel?

A fireside rug you can get a good h**... on.
Source: Jo Brand on QI S3; Cat's Eyes

a man takes his crossed-eyed bull dog to the vet..

The vet examines him, looks in his eyes, ears, mouth.

he picks up the dog and checks his legs and belly. finally, the vet says "i'm gonna have to put him down"

"because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man

"no, because he's really heavy."

Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed?

She struggled to control her pupils.

What do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye?

Pink eye

I had a terrible cross-eyed teacher in primary schoool

She could never keep her pupils under control.

Never marry a cross-eyed woman

They're always seeing someone on the side.

Did you hear about the woman who divorced her cross eyed husband?

He was seeing other women.

A man took his dog to the vet

The vet said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down."
"Why, because he's cross-eyed?!" replied the man, incredulous.
"No, because he's really heavy."

I once dumped a cross eyed chick

I thought she was seeing other people.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who got fired?

She couldn't keep her pupils straight

A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions.

She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, All sheep in Scotland are black. . The physicist says, Some sheep in Scotland are black . The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and says, In Scotland, there is at least one field, with at least one sheep in it, one side of which is black!

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,
warn the people next door.

What happened to the cross eyed circumciser?

They got the sack!!

Me and my cross-eyed wife got a divorce.

We just couldn't see eye to eye.

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]? Yes, the other guy responds, how did you know?!!! Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm cross eyed.

I think that's why at least. We never could see eye to eye though.

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

Cross-eyed people are born in the middle of the week.

They're looking both ways for Sunday.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you're in the room both my eyes are on you

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?

He got fired because he couldn't control his pupils

The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants

How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn't talking to you, said the judge. I didn't say a word, said the third.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of a**... that will bring a tear to your eye

Never date cross-eyed people

They're usually seeing someone on the side

I broke off my relationship with my cross-eyed girlfriend

She was seeing someone on the side

A cross-eyed teacher

Got fired because he couldn't control his pupils

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!
Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.
With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"
"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last.

We just don't see eye to eye.

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?

She couldn't control her pupils

A friend of mine broke up with his cross-eyed Girl Friend...

They just weren't seeing eye to eye, and I heard she was seeing someone on the side.

I once had a girlfriend who was crossed-eyed…

…We broke up cause she was seeing someone else.

Cheating girlfriend

My girlfriend is crossed eyed . I think she is seeing someone on the side.

Why was the cross-eyed teacher fired?

Because they couldn't control their pupils.

Have you heard about the cross-eyed teacher?

He has a lot of trouble controlling his pupils.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn't see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP's mouth while at work. haha

Poor dog….

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him he says,
I think he's cross-eyed"
So the vet picks up the dog
and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him
down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No, says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

Breaking News!!

Cross-Eyed circumsiser gets the sack.

A cross-eyed dog

A man takes his dog to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. et.c.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to put him down.'
'What!? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'.

Harry is dating a cross-eyed girl

He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, Harry, you still going out with that cute cross-eyed girl?"
Harry says, "No. I found out she was seeing other guys on the side."

Did Alanis Morissette ever get her cross-eyed-bear back?

You oughtta know it really wasn't fair to deny her of the cross-eyed-bear that you gave to her.

My advice: You should never date a cross-eyed girl.

I guarantee she'll be seeing someone else.

My cousin's cross eyed girlfriend dumped him

We have a feeling she was seeing someone on the side

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet…

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
Sick
"Can you have a look at him," he says,
"I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"