crisis Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious crisis stories

What are the best Crisis puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Crisis? Well here is a complete list of Crisis dad jokes:

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


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What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

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The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

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So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

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Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

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If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had..

Does money even matter ?

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Why was the anti vaxxers two year old crying?

Because he was having a mid-life crisis

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What's the roughest part about being a 7-year-old in Liberia?

The mid-life crisis.

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I feel really bad for kids in third world countries...

They have to go through puberty and their mid-life crisis at the same time.

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What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

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Japanese bank crises.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

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Why was the 24,100 year old plutonium upset?

It was having a half-life crisis.

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What does an Ethiopian 5 year old have that you probably don't?

A midlife crisis.

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John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

He politely asks, "Which floor?"

The woman replies, "Third please."

He replies, "Oh, are you donating blood at the blood center?"

"Yes, I am! Just need some quick money, having kind of a financial crisis."

"Oh I see. Same here actually, but I'm going to the fifth floor to donate sperm. It pays more."

The elevator reaches the third floor and they say goodbye.

A week later, John comes back, enters the elevator and sees the same woman running to it.

John asked, "Third floor, I suppose?"

"Fifth, actually." She replies, with a mouth-full.

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Japan's Financial Crisis

Banking Crisis Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving.

If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

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Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

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A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope
you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can
survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your

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Did you hear about the dolphin who went thru a existential crisis?

Turns out, he lost his sense of porpoise.

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'Ukraine's crisis has been caused by the west.' - Putin

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How bad is it when a nations power crisis can only be solved by a couple of hydroelectric plants?

Two dam bad! (OC!)

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What do you call a mouse named Bob who's having an existential crisis?

Bob.

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What does a 5 year old Ethiopian have that you don't?

A midlife crisis

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Why did the dolphin have an existential crisis?

It had lost it's sense of porpoise.

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I'm not worried at all about this Ebola crisis.

I've just purchased the new 2015 edition of Norton Antivirus. Feeling pretty smug.

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Not to brag, but I know exactly what to do in a crisis.

I'm really good at panicking. ^^^I ^^^panicked.. ^^^I ^^^meant ^^^to ^^^say ^^^Packing

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Did you hear Rick Ross's new song about the Ebola crisis?

It's called 100 Blacks Coughin'

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A jar of pickles

A jar of pickles was having an identity crisis. It felt like it was
something else. A person? A spirit? It wasn't sure. But it definitely
didn't feel like a jar of pickles.

The jar went to a psychiatrist, who devised a special therapy to jolt
the jar out of its identity crisis. The psychiatrist placed the jar of
pickles in a room with three doors, and told it that its true identity
lay behind the doors. The jar, eager to discover its identity, agreed
to participate.

The jar opened the first door and was greeted with a mirror. Looking
back at the jar was an identical jar of pickles. Confused, the jar
moved on to the second door.

It stood at the second door and opened it. The jar was greeted with
another mirror, and another jar of pickles.

Now visibly shaken, the jar of pickles approached the third door,
which promised to confirm its true identity. Nervously, the jar stood
at the third and final door. However, this time it could see that it
was ajar.

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Guy-"HI 911, CALL IN YOUR EMERGENCY RESPONSE TEAM"

Operator- what's your crisis?

Guy- EXISTENTIAL

operator- what's your location?

Guy- THIS ISN'T HELPING!

Operator- *why* is your location?

Guy- HOLY SHIT!

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A poem dedicated to girls and women who willingly join isis.

Once you go ISIS,

(You'll live in a shack.)

Your life's in crisis

(And we certainly don't want you back.)

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What do you call a crisis where you're the same before and after?

An identity crisis!

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You can't spell crisis...

..without Isis.

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Apparantly there is a term for Baywatch actors in their midlife crisis.

It's called the Hoff-time show.

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Rhinna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her to it.

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"Did you sleep well?"

"Like Obama during a national crisis."

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I went to Africa to help with the Ebola crisis.

When I left, my mentor said thanks and told me that all of Africa was behind me. I instinctively reached for my wallet.

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Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

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Did you hear about the 50yo who couldn't deliver a baby?

She was having a midwife crisis.

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Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.

Bob starts taking random bullshit classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.

One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent escort service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.

Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."

Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a prude, and storms away. But Bob is confident.

Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the whores.

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A woman tries to flirt with a depressed man suffering from ID crisis in a bar.

Woman: Hey! Who's the handsome man here?

And the dude goes "Oh God! Not again! Who am I?"

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Chinese economy

Amongst all of the global financial crisis, the Chinese government are worried that their recent economic boom may soon be over. The country's leaders have decided to name the recent increase in economy as the "Ker-ching" dynasty.

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Well if we're doing pirate jokes, here's one a classmate dropped on us: What's a pirate's favorite movie about the Iranian Hostage Crisis?

Arrrrrrrrrgo.

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Banker has mid-life crisis and decides to go hunting

After work one day he decides to go hunting to prove his manhood. He drives down the highway and sees a sign "Bear Hunting Season Now Open". Decides bear hunting is the manliest of hunting. Drives into a hunting store and buys a shotgun. Runs into the forest and starts looking for a bear. Spots a bear, aims his shotgun and shoots. Runs up to see his manly kill but nothing there. TAP TAP on shoulder and the bear is standing there and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, come on...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun. He buys a 10gauge elephant killer gun and runs in to the forest. Sees the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to check and TAP TAP. He turns and bear looks at him and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, not again...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun and buys the rocket launcher. Runs back to the forest, spots the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to see and TAP, TAP. Guy turns to see the bear and the bear says: Be honest, you didn't come for the hunting

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He's having an identity crisis again.

No I'm not.

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Newtown's First Law (OC)

Newtown's First Law:

For every crisis, there is an opportunistic power-grab by the government to trade freedom for 'security'.

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a little offensive..but still the funniest non-jewish joke i've ever heard.

A black boy and his grandma get on a plane. While they are mid-flight the captain comes on the intercom and announces

"We are having a crisis and unfortunately the plane is too heavy to continue. If we don't get rid of some weight the whole plane will crash. The crew has already dumped all the luggage so now the only option is to start throwing off people. But we are going to do this in a very fair manner, and go alphabetically. First we will start with the A's..so all African Americans will be thrown off, then the B's...all the Blacks, then we get to the C's....all the colored people.."

The black boy looks up at his momma and says

"Mama..is we any of those??"

And the mom says

"Nah honey...today...weez niggas"

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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the President: Sir ...

President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?

Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.

President: Rick?

Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best crisis jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 48 puns about crisis. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty crisis gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these crisis jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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