Criminals Jokes

108 criminals jokes and hilarious criminals puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about criminals that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Criminals Jokes

Short criminals jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The criminals humour may include short criminal bad jokes also.

  1. I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
  2. When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
  3. When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
  4. I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record. Didn't know you still need it.
  5. A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The british man replies
    "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
  6. Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans? >!Because Australia won the coin toss!<
  7. My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal." Now he's behind bars.
  8. Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals -Sent from your iPhone.
  9. My long past criminally psychopathic grandfather's favourite joke: What do you get if you cut a policeman's head into four pieces? Police Headquarters…..
  10. A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
    The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

Quick Jump To

Criminals joke, A man is going through customs entering Australia

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about criminals can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of criminals puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Criminals One Liners

Which criminals one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with criminals? I can suggest the ones about crime and molesters.

  1. Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away? They ransomware.
  2. Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals? Because they never finish their sentences.
  3. I drew a criminal the other day. He looked pretty sketchy.
  4. What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping? Criminal intent.
  5. What did the Muslim police officer say to the criminal? "You Qur'an, but you can't hide!"
  6. If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship... Would it be a criminal Enterprise?
  7. Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor. It's the dark ones that get you in trouble.
  8. What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs? A Condescending Con Descending.
  9. What does the italian police do with a criminal pig? prosecutto
  10. Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep? He was resisting arrest.
  11. Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy Just how low can these criminals go
  12. How did the Cyber Criminal escape? He ransomware.
  13. There's a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum. Wanted dead and alive.
  14. Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves. They've accompliced a lot.
  15. Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces? The quart room

Criminals joke, Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

Unearthly Funniest Criminals Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about criminals you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean victims jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make criminals prank.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

I wanted to move to Australia for a new job

The immigration officer started asking a few questions.
Officer : What is your name?
Me : Joke Teller.
Officer : How old are you?
Me : 22
Officer : Any criminal convictions?
Me : I didn't know that was still a requirement.

Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch h**... criminals?

Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

What do you call it when Condoleezza rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

What do you call a s**... criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

Campus bookstore robbed

The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.

A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand...

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

I made a joke about a midget criminal running down the stairs. The punchline is a little condescending.

Ba dum *tss*

What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs

a condescending con descending

"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."

The pros and cons of being overly literal

People who profit as a result of their occupation.
People found guilty of a criminal offense.

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal.

Either way, he's behind bars.

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Dyslexic criminals love w**....

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.

A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

I'm trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

The executioner asked, "Any last words?"

The criminal replied, "I just want one more clickbait article".
Executioner: "What happens next will shock you"

Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:

A : Do you have criminal record?
M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I am undecided on whether should I be an athlete or a criminal

so I made a list of pros and cons.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

a**... crack

What's the difference between a gun and a taser?

A taser shocks the criminal. A gun shocks the officer who thought they pulled out a taser.

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself 'oh thats a little CONdescending

What do you call an uppity criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"
British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

Criminals joke, Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on

jokes about criminals

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these criminals jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.