The Best 83 Criminals Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Criminals jokes. There are some criminals felons jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these criminals jail puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Criminals Jokes and Puns

Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?

Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Criminals joke, Larry at the police station

I've heard of a lot of dumb criminals...

but bakery robbers take the cake

Where do you keep microscopic criminals?

In cells.

Why don't hydrocarbons make good criminals?

They're always getting com-busted.

What's the difference between raping and rapping?

One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.

Criminals joke, What's the difference between raping and rapping?

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone

You can explore criminals cellfie reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean criminals morons dad jokes. There are also criminals puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

Why are grave robbers no fun at parties?

The are serious criminals.

How does The Flash deal with feminine criminals?

With flashbangs.

Criminals flood in from across the English Channel.

"They have no respect for our laws," said a Marseille policeman ahead of England's first game.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

Criminals joke, Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars?

putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to

What do you call a group of black criminals?

A "protest" apparently.

What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?

A good Friday

Why are the Chinese police so bad at catching criminals?

They always seem to get the Wong guy!

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

How are Trumpies like Walmart?

Conceived at a family reunion and crawling with criminals.

How do you lower the crime rate?

Give the criminals badges.

What do most criminals do at the end of their sentences?

Add a punctuation mark.

Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

Wow, Trump is making America great again...

Aaron Hernandez is dead, Bill O'Reilly got fired. Trump is actually getting rid of the criminals and rapists!

Why do neutrons make great criminals?

They never get charged with anything.

A prison bus crashed into a cement mixer

You should be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

How did the latest cyber criminals evade capture?

They ransomware.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped

A group of criminals decide to rob an apple farm

They leave with hundreds of apples in the back of their truck. The owner calls the cops and they quickly set up spike strips further along the path. The criminals hit the strips and their tires are shredded instantly. However they make it back to their safe house and unload the cargo. It was truly a tireless effort, but the results were extremely fruitful.

Who stopped The criminals in The dinosaur age?

The triceracops

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.

What are the only two suits criminals don't look decent in?

Birthday suits and lawsuits

A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.

That would be a real crime detergent.

Did you hear about the 2 criminals who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

What do you get when you cross a two criminals and a Jew?


My old English teacher became a judge...

She likes to give criminals long sentences.

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

What do you call two dirty criminals working together?

Partners in grime!

They say: "Crime doesn't pay"

that's why criminals have to steal.

1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.

Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.

I've heard of some evil criminals before . . .

but this bakery thief really takes the cake!

If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again

G'day mate

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

This just in: A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway.

The police warn that these are really heavy criminals.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?


There should be a pageant for minor criminals where it's based solely on their demeanor, not looks.

Whoever wins will be crowned Miss Demeanor 2018.

What do you call a criminal that takes down other criminals?

A cop

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

What did the police say to criminals in Chicago?

Chill out guys

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

How does Italy execute its criminals?


Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

Bank robbers...

Three criminals robbed a bank. The police tried to catch them, but the robbers were too quick and turned in to a bad area laundrette.
They made a clean ghetto way.

Where do criminals like to hang out?

At the gallows.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They've accompliced a lot.

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

What do all criminals have in their blood?

Prison cells

A dark turn

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
Boy, it sure is creepy out here, says the first outlaw.
How do you think I feel? asks his companion. I have to walk back alone. Β 

Why did the British

Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?

Australia had first choice.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van

Be sure to look out for 10 hardened criminals.

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they're easy to catch.

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Apparently former Sec of State Condoleezza has recently been pushing snobby criminals downstairs

I guess you could say Condi's sending condescending cons descending...

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.

Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It's my pros and cons list

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

Cement Mixer

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the criminals gangs jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working criminals fugitives piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes