The Best 81 Criminal Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Criminal jokes. There are some criminal felonious jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these criminal intergalactic puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Criminal Jokes and Puns

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

Everyone called me a pedophile

My girlfriend and I walked into a local bar last night and everyone started calling me a pedophile and a criminal only because i'm 43 and she's 20. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

Criminal joke, The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

Did you hear about the Mexican Criminal trio?

They got away from the scene without a tres.

I wanted to move to Australia for a new job

The immigration officer started asking a few questions.

Officer : What is your name?

Me : Joke Teller.

Officer : How old are you?

Me : 22

Officer : Any criminal convictions?

Me : I didn't know that was still a requirement.


A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)

For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendantβ€Ž
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

Criminal joke, Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

You can explore criminal offender reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean criminal forgery dad jokes. There are also criminal puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Campus bookstore robbed

The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at large.

A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

If masturbating was illegal...

I'd be a hardened criminal.

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

Criminal joke, A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."


When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand...

What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping?

Criminal intent.

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

What do you call a trespassing camper?

Criminal intent

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

I made a joke about a midget criminal running down the stairs. The punchline is a little condescending.

Ba dum *tss*

What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs

a condescending con descending

"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

A criminal burgles into a dormitory...

He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"

What do you call a drug dealer in a strip club

A hardened criminal

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal.

Either way, he's behind bars.

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I think my old math teacher may have been a war criminal....

Every single time in class he would start talking about the 'ex-Axis'.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

Personally, I think I'd be the most excellent criminal in the world.

Because I wouldn't show up on any wanted lists.

^^:(

I'm trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

What did the Muslim police officer say to the criminal?

"You Qur'an, but you can't hide!"

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It's the dark ones that get you in trouble.

The executioner asked, "Any last words?"

The criminal replied, "I just want one more clickbait article".
Executioner: "What happens next will shock you"

Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They've accompliced a lot.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:

A : Do you have criminal record?

M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I am undecided on whether should I be an athlete or a criminal

so I made a list of pros and cons.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

What's the difference between a gun and a taser?

A taser shocks the criminal. A gun shocks the officer who thought they pulled out a taser.

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself 'oh thats a little CONdescending

What do you call an uppity criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the criminal fugitive jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working criminal misdemeanor piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes