Criminal Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Criminal puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Criminal

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Everyone called me a pedophile

My girlfriend and I walked into a local bar last night and everyone started calling me a pedophile and a criminal only because i'm 43 and she's 20. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping?

Criminal intent.

My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal.

Either way, he's behind bars.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

I made a joke about a midget criminal running down the stairs. The punchline is a little condescending.

Ba dum *tss*

Campus bookstore robbed

The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

I'm trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Tie Salesman

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"


Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie..."

Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand...

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

What did the Muslim police officer say to the criminal?

"You Qur'an, but you can't hide!"

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

The executioner asked, "Any last words?"

The criminal replied, "I just want one more clickbait article".
Executioner: "What happens next will shock you"

I wanted to move to Australia for a new job

The immigration officer started asking a few questions.

Officer : What is your name?

Me : Joke Teller.

Officer : How old are you?

Me : 22

Officer : Any criminal convictions?

Me : I didn't know that was still a requirement.

3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.

The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"

What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs

a condescending con descending

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They've accompliced a lot.

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

If masturbating was illegal...

I'd be a hardened criminal.

Did you hear about the Mexican Criminal trio?

They got away from the scene without a tres.

A guy is looking for a lawyer...

...so he calls a law firm called Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

"Hello, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to speak to Mr. Schwartz, please."

"Sorry, he's with a client."

"Alright, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's on a criminal case, he'll be away for three weeks."

"Okay, can I speak to Mr. Schwartz, then?"

"He's not here, he retired last month."

"Fine, then just let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"Speaking!"

Personally, I think I'd be the most excellent criminal in the world.

Because I wouldn't show up on any wanted lists.



^^:(

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It's the dark ones that get you in trouble.

A criminal burgles into a dormitory...

He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"

I think my old math teacher may have been a war criminal....

Every single time in class he would start talking about the 'ex-Axis'.

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at large.

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendantβ€Ž
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

What do you call a drug dealer in a strip club

A hardened criminal

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

What do you call a trespassing camper?

Criminal intent

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

Where do criminal spiders hang out?

The deep web

What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs in jail?

A condescending con descending.

A British tourist goes to Australia..

Border agent: do you have any criminal convictions?

Tourist: I didn't know they were still a requirement.

Why did the robber shave his entire body?

So he could be a smooth criminal

What do you call a criminal onion that drops sick beats?

A *rap-scallion*.

what's it called when a mafia boss named Ana Conda sends his snobbish criminal henchman to go on a mission that includes said henchman going down multiple flights of stairs?

Conda sending condecending con decending

Where did they put criminal geometrists?

The concave.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes