The Best 59 Crimes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Crimes jokes. There are some crimes misdemeanor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these crimes murder puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Crimes Jokes and Puns

3 Russian prisoners in a Gulag discuss their crimes

The first says, "I'm here because I spoke out against Nikolai Yezhov"

The second says, "I'm here because I spoke out in favor of Nikolai Yezhov"

Then, the two of them look at the third and recognize him. The third says, "Yes, it's me--Nikolai Yezhov"

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?

Muttiny

What country has the most internet crimes?

E-gypt

I shot someone with a starting gun.

I've been charged with race crimes

jokes about crimes

Which detective investigates electrical crimes?

Sherlock Ohms
That's why his partner is called Wattson...


Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes...

But this one really takes the cake.

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

Crimes joke, There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes?

It would only admit one.

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve...

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

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Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.

You shouldn't commit any crimes after you marry someone.

Why? Because you have a mother in law.

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

You can explore crimes criminal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean crimes thefts dad jokes. There are also crimes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?

They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.

What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?

A LexiCon

I'm sick and tired of those who say Hillary has no great accomplishments....

I would say staying out of prison for the crimes she committed in the last four decades is a great accomplishment.

The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant..

I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

Yeah, it's called the red dead redemption.

Crimes joke, Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

If I ever commit a murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes?

He rides his Harley.


With so many crimes happening at Gunpoint...

...not sure why people keep going there.

There is a hero that is a Llama

He is the best at fighting crimes, solving crimes and saving the day. However, a villain outsmarted him. He was faced with saving either Marley Dank or the Llama chick that he liked, he could only choose one to save. I guess you can say that he was having a dillama

New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants.

And it's been that way since 1607.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven.

As a Catholic Priest.

Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?

He's a Private I

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

Crimes joke, Morgue Murderer Caught

TIL Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a series of short stories about crimes committed by landscapers

He collectively referred to them as *Holmes and Gardens*.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can't be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.


Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

He replies: "Fake noose."

An old rabbi wants to leave the Soviet Union

So he goes to the emigration office. The clerk asks him why he wants to go.

Rabbi: There are two reasons. The first is that I'm afraid the Soviet Union will collapse someday. The people will then seek to blame someone for the crimes of Communism, and us Jews will become scapegoats once more.

Clerk: But this is nonsense, comrade. The Soviet Union can never fall.

Rabbi: Yeah, that would be the second reason.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz


What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

The artist named Feat has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breaking the law somehow, and must face his crimes. #DeathToFeat

I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they're one big, happy family.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

Why is it that when you commit crimes 90 times you will only get caught 45 times ?

Because sin 90 = cot 45

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"

She responds, "possession."

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Why don't religious people like rap music?

All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they've committed.

That's Catholicism.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How do quesadillas solve crimes?

They take them ques by ques

A man is in legal trouble after harassing a sea cow at the Playboy Mansion.

He's been charged with crimes against Hugh's manatee.

A man has legal problems after he harassed a sea cow at the Playboy Mansion.

He's wanted for crimes against Hugh's manatee.

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

Why was the dolphin sent to the electric chair?

He was found guilty of crimes against a manatee.

Why are crimes so hard to solve in Alabama ?

Because their are no dental records and all the DNA matches

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the crimes plea jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working crimes odors piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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