Crimes Committed Jokes

A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom...
The judge asked the duck, "What is your crime?"
The duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge says, "There's no crime committed here, you're free to go."
The judge then asks the pigeon, "What is your crime?"
The pigeon responds, "I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge looks a little confused but finally says, "There's no crime committed here, you're also free to go."
Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, "What is your crime?"
The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, "I'm bubbles."

Community Service

A blonde was sentenced to a couple weeks of community service for a small crime she commited. Once assigned to a supervisor, he explained to her that her job was to paint the yellow line in the middle of the roads. Her quota was 2 miles a day.
By the end of the first day, the blonde painted 4 miles of yellow lines. The supervisor was very impressed and gave her compliments on a job well done.
By the end of the second day, she had done a little over 2 miles. The supervisor was satisfied because at least she met her quota.
By the end of the third day, she'd only painted half a mile of yellow lines. The supervisor approached her to ask why she did so little compared to the previous 2 days. The blonde replies, "*Well I put the paint bucket at the start of the road and the further I paint, the longer it takes to walk back to the bucket to dip my paint brush.*"

Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead

So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead committed some major crimes and were sentenced to death by the firing squad. The jailer come up to the redhead and takes her to where she needs to stand and asks her,
"Any last words?"
"Nope," replies the redhead.
The jailer says, "ready, aim, ...."
The redhead yells out, "TORNADO!!!"
They all look around but the redhead is gone.
The jailer, now angry, goes and gets the brunette and asks her, "any last words?"
"Nope," replies the brunette.
The jailer says, "ready, aim, ..."
The brunette yells out, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone looks around but the brunette is now gone.
The blonde is now thinking to herself, "oh I get it, they are doing natural disasters!!" So the jailer comes and gets her, now furious beyond belief. "Any last words?" he asks.
"Nope," the blonde replies with a smile on her face.
So the jailer says, "ready, aim, ..."
The blonde yells out, "FIRE!!!"......

Blonde Execution

Three women are getting executed by firing squad for committing a crime. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is blonde. First the brunette is brought up onto the stage, with the squad assembled in front of her. She is asked for her last words, and she points behind the crowd and yells, "Tornado!" Everybody turns to look, and the brunette escapes.
The next day, the redhead is brought up onto the stage to be executed, with the same setup. When asked for her last words, she yells, "Lightning!" Everybody turns to look, and the redhead escapes.
The day after that, the blonde is brought up onto the stage. She is asked for her last words, and the blonde looks behind the firing squad, and yells, "Fire!

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen...

The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen.
The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight."
After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says "We've decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and head back to the gate."
The pilot stands next to the door apologizing to the master craftsmen as they disembark. One craftsman says to the pilot "I have to ask, why did you decide to bump us? We didn't commit any crimes, they are the ones who should have to wait longer!"
The pilot looks at the craftsman and says "We talked it over and found that the Pros outweighed the Cons."

After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.

However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.
The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.
20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"
The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.
The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!