Crime Scene Jokes
57 crime scene jokes and hilarious crime scene puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crime scene that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Crime Scene Short Jokes
Short crime scene jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crime scene humour may include short morgue jokes also.
- How did the computer hacker get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware.
- Polaroid of the suspect Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'
- Police were investigating a crime scene and found a knife and a clock. They concluded the man was just killing time.
- Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator. She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
- Two robbers were running away from the crime scene when a bus gets sandwiched between them. The one in front got tired, and the one behind got exhausted.
- An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.
- So the police arrested this old battery... They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.
They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him. - A disordered protein is found brutally murdered. It looks like just another random robbery gone wrong. A cop looks at the scene and laments:
"It's a crime without motif" - A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened... "Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."
- Two detectives are at a crime scene. They locate a briefcase that is vital evidence to the investigation.
One of the detectives says to the other "It's an open-and-shut case".
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Crime Scene One Liners
Which crime scene one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crime scene? I can suggest the ones about scene and car crash.
- We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up
- What do you call a midget hanging around a crime scene? A little suspect
- What is the first thing Will Smith looks for at a crime scene? Fresh Prints
- What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene? Sherlock homes foo.
- Want to hear a crime scene joke? Well move along, there's nothing to see here.
- What do you call a school bus with a priest on board? A crime scene
- What do you call a group of crows probably a crime scene
- This has probably been said but Whats an empty bank called
A crime scene - What do you call a drunk who happens upon the scene of a crime? an innocent bystumbler
- What do you call a f**... found on a crime scene? Circumcisional evidence.
Playful Crime Scene Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about crime scene you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean police station jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crime scene pranks.
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
my sister hocked a loogie...
at a crime scene; police are on the lookout for an entire football team
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.
The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can't have lasted long.
Yoda's partner, Luke, looks around in disgust.
"What do you think? Open and shut case of m**... s**...?"
Yoda stares grimly, nods, but says nothing.
Yoda walks into the room, and walks around the corpse on the floor.
"So should I just go ahead and tell Nine's family?" Luke says.
Yoda looks at Luke with a glimmer in his eye. "Eaten alive, this man was. Disfigured, he is. Nine, he looks like. But Nine, this man is not. Six, Seven eight."
What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm?
A rooster!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little bit of racism
Scientists have found that your fingerprints may indicate that you are black or white. For example, if your fingerprints were found at the crime scene, you're probably black.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
A police officer arrives to a crime scene
Hello, captain. What's the situation?
A woman killed her husband. 12 stabs, 2 gunshot wounds, half burnt, and thrown down the stairs.
Oh my god, what was the reason?
She told us the husband intentionally started walking on the floor which she recently cleaned.
Did you arrest her?
No. We're waiting for the floor to dry.
What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene?
Turn off all the lights.
So a fern recently got released from custody due to tampering with the crime scene.
Turns out that the evidence was planted.
What's worse than finding your dad murdered?
The cop at the crime scene saying "I'm so sorry son"
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
When Will Smith was burglarized, what did detectives find at the scene of the crime?
Fresh prints.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...
"Abominable. Simply abominable."
A woman cried out that her son had just been hit by a moped!
The driver, nearly at the edge of town, screeched to a stop, returned to the scene of the crime, and said, "Actually its a Vespa." Before fleeing the scene again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girlfriend wants her boyfriend dead
But she doesn't know how to commit a m**.... She calls one of her best friends and tells her I want him dead, but I'm to scared to do it. Could you help?
Her best friend tells her It's alright, I got this and I'll make it look like an accident.
The next day the police are called because a dead body was found in an alleyway. A crime scene is set up and a detective does his detective work. After he's done an officer asks him So detective, what did you discover?
The detective looks at the officer and tells him Well it appears that someone beat this man to death with what seems to be a crowbar and then placed a banana peel 4 feet behind him.
The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded m**..."
"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..
So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?
I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.
They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.
A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court hearing. After hours of trial and testimony, E emerged, innocent in the eyes of the court. He was absolved of all charges.
Everyone wondered how he managed to pull it off.
There is a reason he is called Mr E.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. sign of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene
- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the m**... was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…
Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol' time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.
Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the b**... campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.
When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, 'well, if you do a dna test, you'll find that the Czech is in the male.'
Thank you. I'm here all night.
I'm OCD about cleaning up.
There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!