The Best 80 Crime Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Crime jokes. There are some crime gangland jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these crime unspeakable puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Crime Jokes and Puns

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

I'd like to see Batman and Robin fight crime in places that need it the most.

"Hey Batman!"
"Yeah, Robin?"
"Didn't we park the Batmobile here?"

Crime joke, I'd like to see Batman and Robin fight crime in places that need it the most.

What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?

Web Development.

My teacher called me racist today....

So I told him " I am not racist because as we all know racism is a crime and crime is only done by black people."


They say there's safety in numbers...

Tell that to 6 million Jews

What do you call a black woman who's had 4 abortions?

A crime fighter.

Crime joke, What do you call a black woman who's had 4 abortions?

Three men are standing before a judge.

The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said.

"That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested.

"I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested.

"I'm Bubbles."

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

Want to hear a racist joke?

Just kidding, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

You can explore crime treason reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean crime treeson dad jokes. There are also crime puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed

"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

I turned to her and said

"Nah. I think 6's enough."

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it was a suicide then...."

Crime joke, In a crime scene....

Have you heard about the one-armed super hero?

He single handedly stops crime.

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.


I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...

They told me that case was sensitive.

Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime?

Miscarriage of Justice

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?

Impersonating a police officer.

In a stunning case some call an abuse of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man.

My superpower would be foiling crime.

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?

No sir, I did not.

I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?

Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

Why did the orphan turn to a life of crime?

To find out what it was like to be Wanted for once in his life.

if you commit a crime 90 times,

if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45

What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through?

Obstruction of just ice.

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy

Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

That's some locomotive

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That's why I became a cop.

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

If being sexy was a crime

I'd probably make bail

What would RoboCop be called if he was a Transformer?

Stoptimus Crime

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

If being sexy was a crime

Then I'd still be in jail for 34 counts of tax evasion

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That's why I'm a cop.

If being sexy was a crime

I'd be in jail for tax fraud

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

What do you call a black woman who has had multiple abortions?

A crime fighter

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

Why does government hate organised crime?

They don't like competition

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?

The judge says, That is correct.

And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?

No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

What colour can unlock a car?

Khaki

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the crime homicide jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working crime offence piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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