Crime Jokes

176 crime jokes and hilarious crime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a collection of hilarious crime jokes that poke fun at all sorts of criminals, from financial criminals to treasonists. Laugh at jokes about true crime, war crime, a partner in crime, financial crime, cyber crime and even dog crime. This collection of funny crime jokes will have you chuckling. Whether you’re looking for a good laugh or maybe just an opportunity to have some lighthearted fun with crime, this article is sure to bring you joy.

Best Short Crime Jokes

Short crime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crime humour may include short criminal bad jokes also.

  1. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  2. When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it. That's Arkham's Razor.
  3. How did the computer hacker get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware.
  4. Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
  5. Want to hear a racist joke? Just kidding, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
  6. A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime." Father: "Government or private sector?"
  7. A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime' His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'
  8. They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
  9. I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.
  10. if you commit a crime 90 times, if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
    because sin90=cot45

Quick Jump To

Crime joke, if you commit a crime 90 times,

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about crime can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of crime puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Crime One Liners

Which crime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crime? I can suggest the ones about terrorism and illegal.

  1. If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
  2. Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
  3. What colour can unlock a car? Khaki
  4. What do you call a billionaire who commits crimes after sunset? Felon Dusk.
  5. Why was the mime arrested? He committed an unspeakable crime
  6. I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
  7. If not using commas was a crime would it result in long sentences?
  8. They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million Jews
  9. What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime? Dyslexia
  10. My best friend was my partner in crime until homosexuality was made legal.
  11. Have you heard about the one-armed super hero? He single handedly stops crime.
  12. What does spiderman do when he's not fighting crime? Web Development.
  13. Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes? A prism.
  14. When are minorities not minorities? When you look at crime statistics.
  15. If you see a crime at an Apple Store… Does that make you an iWitness?

Crime Scene Jokes

Here is a list of funny crime scene jokes and even better crime scene puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays
  • Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet. Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.
  • Polaroid of the suspect Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'
  • We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up
  • Police were investigating a crime scene and found a knife and a clock. They concluded the man was just killing time.
  • Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator. She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
  • What do you call a Japanese crime scene? An assasinasian.
  • Two robbers were running away from the crime scene when a bus gets sandwiched between them. The one in front got tired, and the one behind got exhausted.
  • An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.
  • So the police arrested this old battery... They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.
    They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Organized Crime Jokes

Here is a list of funny organized crime jokes and even better organized crime puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The government offered to buy back all my guns I turned them down
    I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
  • Why did the accordion player go to jail? He was caught playing an organized crime.
  • Why do police have file cabinets? For organized crime.
  • A kid was talking to his dad because he was considering a job in organized crime. The dad replied with "government or private sector"
  • A child tells his dad that he wants to work in organized crime His dad says : government or private sector?
  • Don't get involved in organized insect crimes. The mothia is ruthless.
  • Years ago I used to work as a secretary for the mafia. I was involved in very organized crime.
  • I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such I was involved in very organized crime
  • Why was a group of lemurs framed for organized crime within seconds? They were a conspiracy.
  • My son said he wanted to get into organized crime when he grew up. "Government or private sector?"

Crime Rates Jokes

Here is a list of funny crime rates jokes and even better crime rates puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are crime rates down in the US? Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
  • I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights... The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.
  • What part of Italy has the highest crime rate, The spaghetto
  • Have you heard about the high crime rate of pixelated people It really needs a resolution
  • How do you lower the crime rate? Give the criminals badges.
  • What's the only thing that grows in Ferguson? The crime rate.
  • Yoooo I'm high asf But not as high as the African American crime rate. Did you know that despite making up just 13% of the population-
  • Crime rates are decreasing in my town. I found some money on the floor.
  • What's the only thing that grows in Oakland? A: The Crime Rate!

Violent Crime Jokes

Here is a list of funny violent crime jokes and even better violent crime puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants. And it's been that way since 1607.
  • Smart criminals Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.
    Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.
    Really smart criminals become politicians.
  • Why were there so many violent crime's in the Joinery and Woodcraft Store? The place is choke full of mallets.
  • What do you call a dog that's violent and involved in crime? A ruffian
  • If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
  • If I ever commit a m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

True Crime Jokes

Here is a list of funny true crime jokes and even better true crime puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be." That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!
  • How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money? By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".
  • People say black people never invented anything, but that's not true... We invented the FBI crime statistics.
  • Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that m**....
Crime joke, Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Crime Jokes

What funny jokes about crime you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean justice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make crime prank.

A crime in the park

A man walked into his house, and casually mentioned to his wife that he had seen a kid napping in the park. The wife was frantic, "What did you do about it?!" The man said, "Nothing, I let him sleep."

People can be so easy to read... if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.

What do you call a Flaming Homosexual?

A hate crime.

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits m**...?

A fedoral offense.

Favorite pirate joke

A: What's a pirates favourite letter?
B: Arrrrrrrrr
A: Correct, what's a pirate's favourite class in school?
B: Arrrritmatic, Arrrrrrt, Arrrrrchitecture (any will do)
A: You're right! What kind of sweaters to pirates wear?
B: Arrrrrgyle!
(They'll be feeling good and playing along by now)
A: What's a pirate's favourite type of crime?
B: Arrrrrrson!
A: No. Piracy you f***ing idiot.

I'd like to see Batman and Robin fight crime in places that need it the most.

"Hey Batman!"
"Yeah, Robin?"
"Didn't we park the Batmobile here?"

My teacher called me racist today....

So I told him " I am not racist because as we all know racism is a crime and crime is only done by black people."

What do you call a black woman who's had 4 abortions?

A crime fighter.

Three men are standing before a judge.

The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said.
"That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested.
"I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested.
"I'm Bubbles."

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime?

Miscarriage of Justice

What do you call a black abortion clinic?

Crime stoppers

What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?

Organised crime.

Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?

Impersonating a police officer.

In a stunning case some call an a**... of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man.

My superpower would be foiling crime.

A man is charged with first-degree m**... and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?
No sir, I did not.
I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?
Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for m**....

Why didn't Aaron Hernandez ever tell us why he threw away his career for a life of crime?

He wanted to leave us hanging.

What crime does a careful walnut engage in?

Safe cracking

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have "the talk" today...

I'm an international crime fighter now

Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?

Because the cops have nothing to go on.

Why did the orphan turn to a life of crime?

To find out what it was like to be Wanted for once in his life.

What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through?

Obstruction of just ice.

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

m**..., mostly.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"

why can't you solve a r**... crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply?

Because it's assault and battery.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.



What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"
"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.
"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find m**... victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for m**... weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

Officer 1: This m**... seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?
Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That's why I became a cop.

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.

Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?

Turns out, it was just some fake noose.

If being s**... was a crime

I'd probably make bail

What would RoboCop be called if he was a Transformer?

Stoptimus Crime

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

Crime joke, Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

jokes about crime

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these crime jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.