Crim Jokes

Following is our collection of boss puns and home one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Crim jokes for adults, dirty shop jokes and clean asked dad gags for kids.

The Best Crim Puns

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?

Impersonating a police officer.

Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?

The criminal: Please hold my hand...

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it was a suicide then...."

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through?

Obstruction of just ice.

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply?

Because it's assault and battery.

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They've accompliced a lot.

What crime does a careful walnut engage in?

Safe cracking

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

A crime in the park

A man walked into his house, and casually mentioned to his wife that he had seen a kid napping in the park. The wife was frantic, "What did you do about it?!" The man said, "Nothing, I let him sleep."

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It's the dark ones that get you in trouble.

A criminal burgles into a dormitory...

He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"

Me: is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone?

Judge: yes, that's assault.

Me: ik that's a salt, but is it a crime??

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

Where do criminal spiders hang out?

The deep web

Crime on multi-story car parks,

it's wrong on so many levels.

They say: "Crime doesn't pay"

that's why criminals have to steal.

A criminal talked down to me on an escalator today.

He was a condescending con descending.

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

What crime did the Energiser Bunny commit?


Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair?

he was a bad conductor.

Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

If crime doesn't pay...

... than you're doing it wrong.


A bus conductor was making his rounds for collecting fares. On reaching a mischievous boy, the conductor asked the boy for his fare.
Boy: My name is crime.
Bus Conductor: Who cares?
Boy: Do you know that crime does not pay?

criminal defense attorneys are like whores

Their only job is to get you off...

With so many crimes happening at Gunpoint...

...not sure why people keep going there.

What crime did the tree commit to be put in tree jail?


What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company?

Assault and Buttery

What crime should corrupt cops be charged with?

Impersonating an officer of the law.

Crime TV shows aren't what they used to be

That's why I support Donald Trump's promise to bring back Law and Order.

What happens to criminal photons?

They get put in prism!

What do all criminals have in their blood?

Prison cells

Why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay?

He had served his sentence.

Well if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire ...

.....what do freedom fighters fight?

What do most criminals do at the end of their sentences?

Add a punctuation mark.

Crime in multi-storey car parks.

Crime in multi-storey car parks...

That is wrong on so many different levels.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?


Where do criminals like to hang out?

At the gallows.

What crime do college students commit the most?

Resisting a rest.

Why did the criminal hide in the roof?

It was very Con-Ceiling.

A: How criminal are you?

B: you know those candy bowls on halloween, where you are only allowed to take one...?

A: Uh yes??

B: I killed someone

A criminal was hired by a infertile man to impregnate his wife, but she never got pregnant

Conned em'

What crime will you never get arrested for even when they're $100% sure you did it?


There is an abundance of part jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and crim puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any city witze you can hear about crim.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes