The Best 82 Cries Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cries jokes. There are some cries crying blonde jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cries wail puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cries Jokes and Puns

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

A man and his wife are in a restaurant.

The wife spills soup all over her new dress.
"Ah", the wife cries out, "I look like a pig."

"Yes", the husband replies, "and there's soup all over your dress too."

Cries joke, A man and his wife are in a restaurant.

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.

Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"

"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.

"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.

In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...

With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:

"Dear God! I'm walled in!"


from a movie...

so a man and and a woman are making love, when their young boy walks in. upon seeing his parents, he cries and runs to his room. the father says "i'll handle this". he walks to the boys room and finds little john on top of grandma, just giving her the business, going up and down, up and down. then the boys looks at his father and says, "its not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

So a man was going blind.

He goes to the the doctor and pleads,

"Doctor you have to help, I think I'm going blind!"

the doctor leans in with his little flashlight and says,

"Mmhm, I'm going to need you to stop masturbating."

the man cries out,

"But why??"

the doctor simply says,

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

Cries joke, So a man was going blind.

Two Molecules are Talking to Each Other...

The first one asks, "Why don't you like me?"

The water molecule says, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not that attracted to you."

The other cries, "Is it because I'm fat?!"

A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion

You can explore cries puts reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cries groan dad jokes. There are also cries puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."

A cowboy walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and sits down. As he's waiting, he pulls out a revolver without warning and fires at the fan standing in the corner. The bartender runs over, shocked. "What on earth do you think you're doing?!" he cries.

"Oh, you know," the cowboy drawls, "just shootin' the breeze."

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?.

A tearjerker

Cries joke, What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Samantha got married

Samantha got married. And on the first day of their honeymoon, she and her husband had a fight. After a few hours of screaming and yelling Samantha cries and calls her mother.

Samamtha: "Ma, me and Steve had a fight."

Mother: "Oh, my dear Samantha, don't worry. I too had a fight with your father on our honeymonn."

Samantha: "And what did you do with the corpse?"

Two hunters are out in the woods...

One collapses and stops breathing. His companion calls an emergency number and cries, "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says, "Calm down; I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot, and the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son.

The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."

what do you call it when a prostitute cries while having sex

hormones

smart husband

Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.

"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?

I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

what's the difference between an onion & a bagpipe?

nobody cries when you slice up a bagpipe...

A father walks into a pharmacy...

... goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" The pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies, "not really, she just lies there and cries."

A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and

A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened. The man replies: My wife told me that she wouldn't talk to me for a month. The waiter replies, Oh no, that's horrible! Man: Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

A ghost says to his ghostfriend..

"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."

"Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend.

"Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly.

"I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"

"..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation.

Smug, the ghost friend said;

"That's the spirit!"

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"

"No."

"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"

"I didn't."

"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.

"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

Pirates

The FBI seize a collection of pirated movies.

The movies were Footloose, dirty dancing, ferris bueller's day off, ghost busters and the breakfast club.

As the pirate sees his beloved movies taken away from him, he cries

"ARGH! Me eighties!"

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A Life Guard is walking along a beach

A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some water too, but you do realise you don't have to use the chemical term outside if the lab, right?"
The first scientist excuses himself to the bathroom, where he cries for a good give minutes, saddened because his murder plan failed

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.

That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?

No I'm a blonde , she replies.

I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.

Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "Sexually active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"

Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"

Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"

Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"

*a baby cries in the corner*

Dad: Shut up Brick!

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, and he hasn't even used it.

He just sits and cries in his wheelchair.

An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" she cries.

"That's for knowing the difference!"

Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, All sheep in Scotland are black. . The physicist says, Some sheep in Scotland are black . The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and says, In Scotland, there is at least one field, with at least one sheep in it, one side of which is black!

My son cries when I slap his hand.

If he doesn't like it he should stop blocking his face.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work, they sit down at there table and order drinks. The first chemist says, "I will have some H20", the second chemist says, "I will have a glass of water, and dude why are you referring to it so strangely, we aren't at work anymore."

The first chemist then goes into the bathroom and cries as his assassination plot has failed.

What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker

Three questions to a lawyer . . .

A man called up a lawyer and asked: How much would you charge to answer three questions?

The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: Two thousand dollars plus tax.

TWO THOUSAND! cries the man. That's a bit expensive, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose it is, said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: So what's your third question?

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:

"Bond. Covalent Bond."

The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying

Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. The one next to it."

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".

"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."

"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".

PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, have you been drinking, father?

The priest says, Just water.

The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, Good Lord, He's done it again!

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"

The atheist responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster five minutes ago either!"

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

Joe : Barack....

Joe : Barack....
Obama : yes Joe, we have to go our on ways after our term is over.
Joe : I'll miss you man. I'm going to be....
Obama : Don't you say it !
Joe : I'm going to be ... *cries* .....*sobs*.
Obama : don't you ever say it !
Joe : it's just.... I'm going to be... *sighs*
Joe : OBAMASELFFF

I got my kid a trampoline and he doesn't even play in it

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries, so ungrateful.

I live every day like it is my last.

Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.

My wife cries after sex.

I don't understand how she can get so upset in such a short time.

A boy hits his sister across the head with a book

The girl cries her eyes out and runs to her dad, "Daddy, Daddy, brother just hit me across the head with a book!"

The dad says "yeah yeah yeah, just another sob story."

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night.

That's the closest to healthcare coverage I've had since I was 26.

cries in American

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?

Ten, says the doctor.

Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.

Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.

The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

Chuck Norris doesn't turn the water on for his shower...

He stares at it until it cries.

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.

Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.

No sir, the man replies.

Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.

Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.

The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man.

Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" cries the man.

"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife".

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

Two men are hiking through the woods

**Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, Snake! Run! His companion laughs at him. Oh, relax. It's only a baby, he says. Don't you hear the rattle? **

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

(\*cries in self pity\*)

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cries turns jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cries moan piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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