Cried Jokes

Following is our collection of wept puns and crying blonde one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cried jokes for adults, dirty shout jokes and clean sob dad gags for kids.

The Best Cried Puns

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."


My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes...

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

He cried.

Then he hugged me and my brother.

A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."

Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.


Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!

Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants

When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those MedellΓ­n kids!"


I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, "I'll give you something to cry about"

We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market.

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

I cried when my asian friend chopped onions today

I loved onions, he was a good dog

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I've never cried when chopping up a hooker.

Movies are too violent

A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent.
To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.

Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

What did you just call it?! I cried.

It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look! he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

Marylou

One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" cried the husband.

"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"

"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.

Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.

"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.

"Your horse called."

I *almost* got that...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing naked in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!

I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

Engineering students

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make

-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "

everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.

when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:

-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"

the man turns to his wife and says.

-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home

Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

Anyone there?



Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

My little sister's cat died...

...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.

A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."

Pavlov was drinking in a bar

and chatting with some fellow scientists. The time flew by, and before he knew it the barman loudly rang the bell signalling last orders.

Pavlov clapped a hand to his forehead, 'Oh crap!' he cried. 'I forgot to feed the dog!'

Silly Drunks.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.

"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

I cut off a finger in an accident at work

I called my wife from the hospital and told her the terrible news.
"Oh, no" she cried "Was it the whole finger?"
"No" I replied "It was the one next to it."

I cried when my dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.

"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.

The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.

His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"

"It would've," cried Johnny. "If you told me to put it in the FRONT!"

I had a girlfriend and her favorite Pixar movie was "Up".

This was 2010 and she had it on blue ray, and we would watch it at least once a week at her apartment. But after like the 40th time, I confronted her and said I was tired of watching. The argument got heated; it didn't help that we were drunk. Suddenly, she pushed me and I fell on something. I turned and saw the disk broken; she cried hysterically.
At this moment, I knew, we broke Up...

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

When my dad chopped onions, I cried. I miss onions...

Onions was a nice dogο»Ώ.

A ghost says to his ghostfriend..

"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."

"Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend.

"Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly.

"I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"

"..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation.

Smug, the ghost friend said;

"That's the spirit!"

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!" the father said.

An old woman went on a walk looking for her husband of 50 years...

As she strolled down the sidewalk outside of the retirement home, so approached a shaking bush. When she peered inside, she saw her husband getting a handjob from old Gurt. Startled, they got up. The woman cried to her husband, "how could you do this to me?" He hung his head in shame. "What makes her so great?! What does SHE have that I don't?"

The old man just smiled, and replied, "Parkinson's."

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Poor onions

I cried when my Dad sliced Onions.
I missed Onions. He was a good dog.

I cried as the man chopped up Onions

Onions was a good dog

My wife walked in to the room, I snuck up behind her and yelled Boo!

She Shrieked, cried hysterically peed herself and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral . . .

"You have him in a blue suit, and I wanted him in a brown suit," she cried.



The mortician says, "We'll take care of it ma'am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

I slept like a baby.

Cried every few hours and just in need of attention.

Jack and Jill...

Jack and Jill worked at the mill before the work did slack off.

The miller cried, "I can't decide whether to lay Jill or Jack off."

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

Thor, the god of Thunder, was riding on his filly

"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse replied,
"Then uthe a thaddle, thilly!"

There is an abundance of wail jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 61 funniest jokes and cried puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any onions witze you can hear about cried.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes