Crew Jokes

Following is our collection of seamen puns and coast one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Crew jokes for adults, dirty platoon jokes and clean hms dad gags for kids.

The Best Crew Puns

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.

He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.

"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."

Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

NASA decides to send up an all-female crew for their next shuttle mission...

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

"Repeat, what is the nature of the problem?"

"It's fine, whatever."

A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...

She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.

A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"

"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."

"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"

"Then I just call them by their last name."

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

Day 20: Still lost at sea.

Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a compass protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy leg man

A boat carrying red paint, and a boat carrying blue paint, both crash into each other.

The crew are now marooned.


I didn't trust my wife home alone with the roofers...

So I hired an all gay roofing crew. I don't know if it worked worked, she said they've been outside banging all day.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "

What's the difference between ninjas and a stage crew?

Ninjas move silently around walls and a stage crew moves walls around silently

The chinese dierector

A chinese movie crew was preparing for a movie.

The dierector was Phill Ming

A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.

A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

What did the crew do when Blackbeard died?

Switched on the auto-pirate.

A blind man walks into a bar

...and now the construction crew is in trouble for leaving their scaffolding stacked in the middle of the sidewalk.

BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can't get out of my room, she cried. What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'.


I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew

but I still have to shoot the pilot.

Why couldn't the robot pirate acknowledge his crew?

He was waiting on an aye patch.

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook's right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

What did the crew of the International Space Station say to Mission Control?

Houston, you have a problem.

When you have an all male crew flying a plane....

... it's called a cockpit.

If you have an all female crew it's a box office.

I don't know why everyone is so angry at Logan Paul and his crew visiting suicide forest...

...everyone was just hanging around.

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.

Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."

The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.

Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight 4606, good job keeping things safe!

A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning....

he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"

Why the F1 driver doesn't get along with his crew?

He has thrust issues.

I want to start a towing company.

I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow.

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

Why was 6 afraid?

Because she could be discovered by the crew of Battlestar Galactica at any moment.

Sleepy pilot

What did the tired pilot say to his crew?

I think I'm gonna crash

Santa was hit by an Airbus 747 while flying over Barcelona last night, and none of the flight crew survived

The doctors have confirmed that the reindeer in Spain were hit mainly by the plane.

- Credit to Colin Monchrie from "Whose Line Is It Anyway"

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

A new craze sweeps an Eastern European nation

Though Transylvania is mostly rivers and mountains, a new outdoor sport is achieving newfound popularity. Folks have been flocking to the calmer parts of the Olt and Danube to try out for a crew, the competitive paddling fad usually found in lakes. In fact, the sport has spread from the region to the whole country.

Truly, the nation has Ro-mania.

A ship's captain is running accross the deck....

He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".

The moon landings are staged and, in fact, completely created by a film crew and everything.

The only thing is that the director was too lazy so he said just to film it on location.

A Pirate captain comes out as gay to his crew.

The next day he pulls everyone together for a meeting while they're docked at port, during the meeting he introduces a young man to the crew and says "Arr, this be me first mate."

A man sees two blonde workers in a field digging holes.

One worker is digging the holes, and the other one is following close behind filling the holes in.

After watching this go on for a while, the observer decides to ask them that they are doing.

"Excuse me sir, but I have to ask. Why are you simply digging holes and filling them back in?"

One of the workers yells out, "Ah, you see we normally have a 3rd member on our crew, but the man who plants the trees called in sick today!"

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

A pirate crew is fleeing from a whaling ship

One pirate swabbie asks, "This be the whaling ship driven by the wench with two vaginas?"

The pirate says, "Aye, we best be wary of har poons."

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

That poor security guard....

A security guard at a factory has two wooden legs.

He was working a night shift once when the factory caught fire.

A spokesman from the fire brigade told the local news crew that
thanks to them arriving on the scene quickly, the factory was saved.

However, the security guard was burned to the ground.

I drove into the mountains and saw a crew clearcutting a massive evergreen forest...

I wonder what fir.

Did you hear about the red luxury cruise liner that collided with the blue luxury cruise liner?

The passengers and crew were marooned.

Crew (Titanic) : We've been hit by an iceberg. The damages are irrecoverable. We've got no chance, sir.

Captain Smith : Wait, let that sink in...

Why was the captain of a ghost ship beginning to get nervous?

He was running the ship on a skeleton crew.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around?

This sub has officially run out of IDs.

Space Joke

What did the engineers say to the crew of astronauts after they discovered they didnt install the rockets correctly....


Guys, we really Apollo-gize

Have you seen the emotional documentary on the crew of a sinking submarine?

I haven't, but I've heard it was deeply moving.

One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint.

The crew is missing and believed to be marooned.

So I got arrested on an airplane recently

So I saw a friend I hadn't seen for a very long time, but apparently the flight crew don't like it when you yell "Hi Jack at the top of your lungs.

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.

After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

What does the crew of the HMS Nando submarine use to spot incoming ships?

The peri-periscope

No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.

"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"

Why didn't the Futurama crew get along with Bender's friend Arbite?

Because Arbite mocked Fry

What did the cast and crew of the movie "Schindler's list" call Steven Spielberg?

"Herr Direktor"

Did you hear about the band "the moving crew"?

The house was packed

How many actors does it take to screw on a light bulb?

None, they force stage crew to do it.

How to get the attention of a crew of bricklayers...

Yell "Eh, Tony!"

Crew Morale

The captain of a ship noticed the crew seemed unhappy. So he asked the first mate, What is the status of the crew? The first mate yelled, ALL R-BORED!

Why was the fish and his crew so scared of the clam's crew?

Because they were nothing but mussel.

Whats the difference between a stranded crew and a successful business woman?

One's men blown off course and the other is blowing men of course.

A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.

The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.

The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

Have you heard about the all-lesbian construction crew?

well, they don't use studs; it's all tongue & groove

:)

Why did the crew of a Southwest flight turn off the No Smoking sign?

They figured that if the plane is smoking, the passengers might as well, too.

I wasn't worried on our flight

until the crew handed out markers for us to write names on our arms and legs

What do you call a group that keeps getting bigger?

A crew.

Why did the crew abandon the chili pepper boat?

It was capsaicin. ^(Don't hurt me.)

A red ship and a blue ship collided in the middle of the sea

The crew was marooned.

I work on a freighter that transports penis-shaped potatoes around the world. The crew regulations are oppressively strict.

It's run like a dick-tater-ship.

Why did the crew from the Hitchhiker's Guide have such a hard time getting around?

Because there was a dent in the ship

There is an abundance of ship jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes and crew puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any deckhand witze you can hear about crew.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes