Cremated Jokes

Following is our collection of posterity humor and burial one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cremated puns for adults, dirty cremate jokes or clean mortuary gags for kids.

There is an abundance of cremator jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 71 funniest jokes on cremated. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cremation witze you can hear about cremated.

The Best jokes about Cremated

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don't want to be cremated.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.

2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.


My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land...

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

What do you call a cremated Burt Reynolds?

Burnt Reynolds.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

When I die I'd like to be cremated

I think I've urned it.

The man who invented toaster settings has died.

He'll be cremated at 6.


I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

Being cremated.....

..... is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap...

I guess two people got fired that day!

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated

So in the end, we let her live.

(Gary Delaney)

Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die?

Because they hate coffin.

My wife was cremated after her death.

Also during.

Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?

So there wouldn't be any coffin.

After my grandfather's funeral...

I scattered his remains all over my back garden.

Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.


I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered throughout Disney world.

I don't want to be cremated.

My wife and I have different ideas on death.

I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

The only time I'll ever have a smoking-hot body

...is when I'm cremated

In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.

Last requests

After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.

1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.

2) I do not wish to be cremated

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope

for a smoking hot body.

Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.

So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

If Burt Reynolds gets cremated

He will be Burnt Reynolds

Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory?

He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.

When I die, I want my body to be scattered about at Disney World

But I do not want to be cremated

I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field.

\#2. I don't want to be cremated first.

I want to be cremated...

So I can finally have a smoking hot body!!

Instead of being buried or cremated, I've arranged to be liquidized.

I'm not going to any funeral I can't get drunk at.

I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

I have two requests for my funeral

1) be scattered at Disney Land
2) not to be cremated

Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?

he was tired of coffin.

What did the necropheliac say after his lover was cremated?

Can I still get a piece of ash?

Justice Scalia stated that he wants to be cremated after his death

Millions of women are meeting now to discuss if that's what is best for his body.

Arnold Palmer has died...

I heard that he will be half buried and half cremated.

A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

Why did the fashion designer want to be cremated?

Because he wouldn't be caught dead wearing the same outfit for all eternity.

Today, I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made me an appointment for next Thursday.

What is the most ironic thing a Jew can say?

I want to be cremated.

When I was younger, I was dead-set on being buried when I die.

But now, I'm warming up to the idea of being cremated.

When I die, I want to be scattered around Disneyland.

Oh, and I don't want to be cremated.

Why do fat people like to be cremated?

Because then they get to have smoking hot bodies.

It's been a long time cummin'.....

Cremated Husband....


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

News.. Burt Reynolds dead.

his family say he will be cremated. So this time he will be more smokey than bandit.

Gang banger's last wish.

Why did the gang member from the Bloods wish to be cremated?


He hated crypts.

What's the best part about being cremated?

Finally achieving a smokin' hot body.

Why did so many people show up to see the cannibal get cremated?

His family advertised it as a barbecue.

A boy and his mother passed a cemetery. The boy saw a gravestone read 'Here lies an honest lawyer'.

He said to his mother "I thought Gandhi was cremated."

While commemorating my father's various physical feats, one friend asked if he was "shredded".

He was cremated.

:(

What's it called when a cremated person spins in their grave?

A t-urn-ado.

Did you hear they cremated Zsa Zsa Gabor today?

All that was left was a pile of glitter.

My wife asked me if I wanted to be cremated after my death

Or immediately before.

When Jack LaLanne died....

...he didn't want to be cremated, he wanted to be juiced.

What did the cremated Buddha who was placed in a cardboard box say?

'I'm in light urn.'

Someone I know died and is being cremated

May he roast in peace

Cremated people...

... have urned it

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a funeral director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The funeral director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the funeral director.

a grandson is talking to his very ill grandmother and asks her whether she would prefer to be buried or cremated...

and she replies.
"Surprise me"

I want my remains spread over Disneyland...

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Why are Jewish funeral's so easy to plan?

Because they're already cremated

A Japanese Man's Last Words...

A dying Japanese man wished to be cremated. What were his last words to his son?

["Donburi me"](/spoiler)

My wife told me she wanted to be cremated.

So I made her a rush appointment for tomorrow.

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that's what killed her.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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