The Best 86 Credit Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Credit jokes. There are some credit card jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these credit taylor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Credit Jokes and Puns
Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!
I mean, you've got to give them credit.
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,
but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Cr
My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow.
That means no black people.
I had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
Why can't Irish people become lawyers?
Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one
You can explore credit impeccable reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean credit carr dad jokes. There are also credit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My bank was worried
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...
She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
My credit card was stolen today
I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
I asked my German professor...
..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"
She replied, "nine."
"Well, thanks anyways," I said.
What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?
A Czech Republic
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.
Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
A blonde woman walks into a library
A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...
...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.
Donald Trump wants to become President
This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.
Credit : Snoop Dogg
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
My wife is like a new credit card.
0% interest for 12 months.
If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
Credit to my friend Chris
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?
A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
I'm really good at managing my credit card.
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...
He killed Hitler.
My recent letter from the BBC read...
"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.
However, we feel you may have misread the title?
The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"
Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
I'm like a credit card.
I'm always being used or denied.
My sex life is like my credit card.
It expired a long time ago.
So I found out today that my diarrhea is hereditary
It runs in my jeans
Credit to /u/jdabarber
Boy wants a car from his Dad
the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."
Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"
(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...
She asked me if I could drive :-(
Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..
he *did* kill Hitler.
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
A thief stole my wife's credit card
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
Please enter your new password
WEBSITE: Please enter your new password
ME: beef
WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff
credit goes to my girlfriend
Girlfriend: "We're breaking up."
Boyfriend: "Why?"
Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."
Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."
All Credit goes to my friend
The worst part about being a giraffe
is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined
Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."
So the bartender gives it to her
E: credit to /u/Narzgul85
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
How do you milk a sheep?
Release another iPhone for $1000.
-Credit to my buddy at work
What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II?
Your credit card.
A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"
Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox
Hey girl, are you looking for a stud?
I've got the STD, all I need is U.
Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch*
My stolen card
Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?
He used praypal.
What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?
A humblebee
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!
- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
"YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!"
\- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.
(credit goes to my mom)
What country does not accept cash or credit cards?
The Czech Republic
What key can open a banana?
A mon**key**
Credit to a 4 year old
You have to give President Trump credit
Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?
Joe mama.
Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX
I don't understand why my credit score is so low.
Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.
But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.
Did Schrodinger have an open-casket funeral?
You know, just to be sure?
\[Credit to my brother\]
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
What do you call a wolf that is woke?
Awarewolf
(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)
Billionaire space tourists are like buses …
You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time
(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)
I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...
... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)
Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?
They just give aloha!
Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard
I've just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom's boob job
Just wait till I get my hands on them!
Anyone can be buried when they die
But if you wanna be cremated, you have to urn it!
Credit to celinaspookyboo on ig
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
(Credit goes to my little sister. Did this one when she was eight. She's a legend.)
What small thing screams "I'm rich"?
A dwarf who just won the lottery.
Credit to u/collider1
Knock knock
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Cow goes.
Cow goes who?
No, Cow goes Moo!
Credit to my 7 year old daughter
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the credit yearbook jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working credit debit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.