Credit Jokes

Following is our collection of impeccable puns and card one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Credit jokes for adults, dirty carr jokes and clean taylor dad gags for kids.

The Best Credit Puns

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."






Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...


Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*

**


The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."


Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"


and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"

Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."


I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

Girlfriend: "We're breaking up."

Boyfriend: "Why?"

Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."

Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."


All Credit goes to my friend

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.

Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

It was an obvious faux paw.

^Cr

I'm really good at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

My credit card was stolen today

I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.

Please enter your new password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password

ME: beef

WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff


credit goes to my girlfriend

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

My favorite joke from The Sopranos

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

What key can open a banana?

A mon**key**

Credit to a 4 year old

So I found out today that my diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in my jeans

Credit to /u/jdabarber

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?

Joe mama.

Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

Why can't Irish people become lawyers?

Because of their inability to pass the bar!

Credit to my dad for this one

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

"YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!"

\- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.



(credit goes to my mom)

My recent letter from the BBC read...

"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.

However, we feel you may have misread the title?

The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"




Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.

I had a big mix up at the store today.

Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

Donald Trump wants to become President

This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.


Credit : Snoop Dogg

I asked my German professor...

..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"

She replied, "nine."

"Well, thanks anyways," I said.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"

Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."

Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox

How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow.

That means no black people.


(Credit goes to a person on either America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, can't remember which)

What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II?

Your credit card.

My wife is like a new credit card.

0% interest for 12 months.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

Hey girl, are you looking for a stud?

I've got the STD, all I need is U.

Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch*

Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?

Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Someone stole my wife's credit card

But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.

Credit : The Murder Room

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

A man had his credit card stolen...

However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud



Credit to my 5 year old nephew

I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father.

Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

There is an abundance of yearbook jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes and credit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any debit witze you can hear about credit.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes