Credit Jokes
173 credit jokes and hilarious credit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about credit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Check out these hilarious credit jokes that are sure to bring a smile to your face. From jokes about credit analysts to credit union puns, you won't be able to stop yourself from chuckling as you read through this collection of jokes. We've even included a few jokes about Mastercard and credit card declined scenarios that Youtubers will love! So get ready for some impeccable credit-card related humour!
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Funniest Credit Short Jokes
Short credit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The credit humour may include short debit jokes also.
- Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
Credit to u/DrDerpberg - If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
- EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]
- If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers? Because flattery will get you nowhere.
- Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
- The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke cafe - My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
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Credit One Liners
Which credit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with credit? I can suggest the ones about payment and charge.
- Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
- You have to give President Trump credit Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
- What's the most common operation in a lego hospital? Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke] - What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
Credits:dads - Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire.
Credits to Kevin Hart - What's green and not heavy? Light green.
- Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used praypal.
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
- What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
- Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2? *60,000 credits*
- If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.
- What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee
- What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
- I know how the Force Awakens ends! Credits.
- What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II? Your credit card.
Credit Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit card jokes and even better credit card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
- I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
- My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
- I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
- I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
- My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
- Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
- So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
- My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
- I'm like a credit card. I'm always being used or denied.
Bad Credit Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad credit jokes and even better bad credit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you have bad credit, a trigonometrist is the best friend to have. He can cosine for you.
- bad day today I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!
Credit Rodney Dangerfield - People used to say my jokes were bad until I put a cape on them Now they're super bad
- I don't know why everyone's complaining about chip card readers. I have bad credit.
- You know, when you think about it, President Obama really is a lot like God. He takes all the credit for good things and refuses to be blamed for any bad things.
- Anybody have bad credit? Yeah I wouldn't admit it either...
Credit Score Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit score jokes and even better credit score puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
- Why God's credit score is so low? Because only Jesus saves
- What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score? Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.
- The type of girls I date are just like my credit score... Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.
- Everyone wishes their credit score was like their payments. Outstanding.
- Want to know how to avoid identity theft? Have a 350 credit score
- My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community! I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!
- What's the problem with your credit score? If my credit score equaled (my family's combined IQ + the money I currently have in my bank account), I still wouldn't get approved for a car loan.
- If gentrification is so uncool... Why does it raise my streets credit score?
- Not an Ostragoth Pun What do you call a Goth who has a great credit score?
A Visa-Goth!
Credit Manager Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit manager jokes and even better credit manager puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Sign in a store window... Our credit manager is Helen Wait. If you want credit go to Helen Wait.
Credit Union Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit union jokes and even better credit union puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union... ...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.
- A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Unearthly Funniest Credit Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about credit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tribute jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make credit pranks.
What is large, black, and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation 3
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West's baby...
At least she let him finish.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory...
but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
[credit to Stephen Wright]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Persuading girl into having s**... with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For me, having s**... is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
I had my credit card stolen.
About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
I went on a blind date the other day...
...it didn't start that way, but she brought pepper spray.
*Credit to America's Got Talent comedian (I don't remember his name)
My mate lent me $5,000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit.
He stole my limelight.
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when the clerk said s**... down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"
" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a p**...?
A p**... can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father.
Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.
I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...
She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
I couldn't find my credit card this morning.
Someone must have swiped it.
I'm sorry.
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.
Credit Evan Sayet.
I asked my German professor...
..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"
She replied, "nine."
"Well, thanks anyways," I said.
Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?
They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
What do you call a cow that can't moo?
A milk dud
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
What's the same about Christmas and work?
I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because she wasn't peeling very well...
All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here
My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...
They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!
Donald Trump wants to become President
This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.
Credit : Snoop Dogg
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?
Because you know he is actually guilty.
So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...
she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."
My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?
A refund.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ya gotta give h**... credit for one thing...
He killed h**....
My recent letter from the BBC read...
"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.
However, we feel you may have misread the title?
The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"
Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My s**... life is like my credit card.
It expired a long time ago.
So I found out today that my diarrhea is hereditary
It runs in my jeans
Boy wants a car from his Dad
the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."
Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"
(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)
My credit card is like a stripper.
There isn't much on it.
Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....
...don't elect a joke.
(Credit to Bo Burnham)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..
he *did* kill h**....
A man had his credit card stolen...
However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry...
And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."
Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?
Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.
Please enter your new password
WEBSITE: Please enter your new password
ME: beef
WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff
credit goes to my girlfriend
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....
But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.
Women.
(Joke credit to me)
I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.
I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.
Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girlfriend: "We're breaking up."
Boyfriend: "Why?"
Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."
Boyfriend: "This is a s**... thing to *Fallout 4*."
All Credit goes to my friend
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.
Credit where it's dew.
Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"
Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."
Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."
Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."
Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car
The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan
What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?
An algorithm
(Credit to my girlfriend)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many g**... can you put on a barstool?
Four, if you put it upside down.
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
What do you call a bird that sticks to trees?
Velcrow.
(Thanks and credit to u/HRduffNstuff for rewording my original post :))
A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"
Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?
Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Hey girl, are you looking for a stud?
I've got the STD, all I need is U.
Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch*
What do you call a guy who gets turned on by sad movies?
A tear-jerker
^Credit ^to ^my ^brother ^for ^telling ^me ^this ^one
