Following is our collection of impeccable puns and card one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Credit jokes for adults, dirty carr jokes and clean taylor dad gags for kids.
I mean, you've got to give them credit.
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
Credit to my friend Chris
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."
Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"
(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
He used praypal.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
She asked me if I could drive :-(
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)
He killed Hitler.
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
So the bartender gives it to her
E: credit to /u/Narzgul85
A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A Czech Republic
Boyfriend: "Why?"
Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."
Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."
All Credit goes to my friend
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.
It was an obvious faux paw.
^Cr
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
WEBSITE: Please enter your new password
ME: beef
WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff
credit goes to my girlfriend
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
A mon**key**
Credit to a 4 year old
It runs in my jeans
Credit to /u/jdabarber
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
A humblebee
Joe mama.
Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX
The Czech Republic
Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
\- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.
(credit goes to my mom)
"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.
However, we feel you may have misread the title?
The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"
Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.
Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)
Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
he *did* kill Hitler.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.
Credit : Snoop Dogg
..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"
She replied, "nine."
"Well, thanks anyways," I said.
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."
Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox
Release another iPhone for $1000.
-Credit to my buddy at work
She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
That means no black people.
(Credit goes to a person on either America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, can't remember which)
Your credit card.
0% interest for 12 months.
It became a prime number against all odds.
I'm always being used or denied.
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
It expired a long time ago.
I've got the STD, all I need is U.
Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch*
Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.
Credit : The Murder Room
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!
A milk dud
Credit to my 5 year old nephew
Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"
Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"
Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"
Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"
(Credit to Bob Mortimer)
There is an abundance of yearbook jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes and credit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any debit witze you can hear about credit.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.