Credit Card Jokes
136 credit card jokes and hilarious credit card puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about credit card that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Credit Card Short Jokes
Short credit card jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The credit card humour may include short debit card jokes also.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
- A thief stole my wife's credit card But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
- I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
- My stolen card Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife - I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
- My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
- "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
- I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
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Credit Card One Liners
Which credit card one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with credit card? I can suggest the ones about gift card and visa card.
- What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
- What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
- What's the most powerful Star Card in Star Wars Battlefront II? Your credit card.
- My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
- I'm like a credit card. I'm always being used or denied.
- I couldn't find my credit card this morning. Someone must have swiped it.
I'm sorry. - Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.
- Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl but then I whipped out my credit card.
- My credit card is like a stripper. There isn't much on it.
- Magician: ''Take a card, any card.'' Me: *(Takes his credit card)*
- What is large, black, and steals your credit cards? Sony Playstation 3
- My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
- What is 8.6 cm and can please any woman? A credit card.
- What's 3 inches long and pleases all women? A credit card.
- how do you stop an elephant from charging? take away its credit card
Credit Card Declined Jokes
Here is a list of funny credit card declined jokes and even better credit card declined puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
- I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.
- A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times She kept asking for my card again.
The Funniest Credit Card Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about credit card you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean credit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make credit card pranks.
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Inspiration.
A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
Persuading girl into having s**... with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
For me, having s**... is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
I had my credit card stolen.
About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
I had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when the clerk said s**... down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out.
protect your credit card guys :)
My bank was worried
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
credit card
Guy 1 : " Hey man, you have been looking awfully happy lately"
guy 2 : "yeah someone Stoke my wallet and all my credit cards"
guy 1 :"Then why are you happy?"
guy 2:" The thief is spending less on my cards than my wife"
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit cards.
I'll let myself out...
Life of Riley.
A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'
His friend asks: 'What happened?'
His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'
At the Airport
Customs: Where is your passport
Me: *hands credit card*
Customs: You can't bribe me
Me: It's my visa
I don't usually brag about my finances, but...
my credit card company calls me almost everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
How to ask for a raise
Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card.
A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card
as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.
Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now.
I tried this but my c**... was very lumpy.
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...
...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
A magician says to his wife to 'Pick a card. Any card.'
She takes his credit card and leaves.
My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...
They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!
A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied.
He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it...
My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it. The thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does.
My s**... life is like my credit card.
It expired a long time ago.
Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
I was just asked to give my credit card details.
I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."
Why do credit cards not work in France?
They don't understand the concept of charging.
A man had his credit card stolen...
However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry...
And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."
Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?
Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.
What do you call a lion that steals credit cards?
An AMEX predator.
I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.
Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!
My mom gave me her credit card to buy her a gift for mothers day
She said if I buy anything expensive on eBay she'll smash my head on the keyboarkqkrjfhufjffitufltudduyldrysgldzkteydculfdylyxdhdyd
Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter
You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife
A thief stole my wife's credit card,
I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"
I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.
Credit where it's dew.
A husband loses his credit card.....
He decides to not report it stolen, because the thief is spending less money than his wife
Someone stole my credit card and I haven't notified the credit card company.
The thief spends less than my wife.
Told my boss I wanted a pay raise, 3 other companies are after me!
He said "Oh yeah, which ones?"
I told him "the gas and electric company, the phone company and the credit card company"
A guy stole my wallet a few years ago. I noticed some unusual charges on my credit card statement.
I didn't report it because he was spending less than my wife.
Someone stole all my credit cards
I won't be reporting it though, the thief spends less than my wife.
My wife's credit card was stolen last week...
I haven't reported it yet though... because so far, they're spending less than she was.
I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"
...
"I
CAN'T
PAY
THIS."
Six months ago, my wife had her credit card stolen.
Tonight I learned this guy took it. But I'm not going to turn him in. He spends a lot less per month than she did!
In my credit card statement there was an extra 6**...$ charge written in tiny fonts ...
As usual, the devil is in the details ...
What's the difference between EA and AE?
One costs a lot of money if you want all the benefits, rewards, and perks, the other is a credit card company.
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen
But he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
How do you keep a rhino from charging
Take away his credit card.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
Someone stole my wife's credit card
But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.
Credit : The m**... Room
You wanna know how to please a woman with only 3 inches?
You give her a credit card.
The real threat
Police officer: Sir, I don't understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?
Guy: The thief wasn't spending nearly as much as my wife used to…
Police officer: But why report it now?
Guy: I think the thief's wife got hold of it now.
What does this joke mean from jimmy kimmel show?
Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys RUs gift cards. Said kids, Umm… I guess the whiskey decanter?
How do you keep an idiot occupied without Net Neutrality laws?
Please insert credit card information for punchline. If you would like a funnier punchline, choose our premium package for only twice the price!
I don't mean to brag..
But my credit card company calls me every day to say my balance is outstanding.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Just take away his credit card
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen?
Because the thief spent less than his wife.
I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills
But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!
Credit Card
So my wife's credit card got stolen the other day. I didn't report it, though. Turns out the thief spends less than she does.
