Cream Jokes
149 cream jokes and hilarious cream puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cream that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious cream jokes! From flirty ice cream to affogato, we've got it all here. Get your scoop of fun with jokes about chocolate ice cream, whipped cream, and ice cream pie. Let's get started!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Cream Short Jokes
Short cream jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cream humour may include short cake jokes also.
- Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
- A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
- I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream. I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.
- I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living. He can't take it, but he can dish it out.
- I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied. - Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
- How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
- I like my women like I like the mcdonald's ice cream machine… Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.
- A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
Share These Cream Jokes With Friends
Cream One Liners
Which cream one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cream? I can suggest the ones about soap and crepe.
- I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald's ice cream machine
- You know what a baby is? It is just a fully baked cream pie
- Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream? Sherbert.
- How do you make a whale float? Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
- I won a 1v5 fight today Man we creamed that guy!
- Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"
- Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
- Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a bus.
- Why did little Suzy drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.
- What's the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise? Heaven ice day
- I just came in 3.1415 seconds You can call that a cream pi
- I've been prescribed anti gloating cream... Can't wait to rub it in.
- A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy..
- What do rats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake!
C'mon, you know the rules!! - Why couldn't Neo eat his Ice cream? Because there is no spoon.
Ice Cream Jokes
Here is a list of funny ice cream jokes and even better ice cream puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do children and ice cream have in common? They're sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.
- What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend? One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.
- Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
- At a party, a wife admonished her husband. That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Aren't you embarrassed?"
* Why should it? I keep telling them it's for you. * - How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
- In what way is ice cream like a first date? You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.
- Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream. Then both of us are in A La mode.
- So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck... ... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan." - Why did sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street? She got hit by a Bus.
- Chuck Norris went to Mcdonalds and the ice cream machine was working.
Ice Cream Cone Jokes
Here is a list of funny ice cream cone jokes and even better ice cream cone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(
*Inspired by actual events. - What do you call ice cream you eat in a car? A traffic cone!
- Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone? He was run-over by a car.
- How do tree's like their ice cream? In a pine cone.
- what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone? please excuse my dairy air
- Where's the best place to store ice cream cones? Conetainers
- What do you call it when two ice creams want to have a child Cone-ception
- What does the ice-cream van man do to save his parking spot? Puts cones out.
- Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
- What does M.Night Shyamalan always order when he goes out for ice cream? A large twist cone.
Ice Cream Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny ice cream day jokes and even better ice cream day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week? Sundae.
- What did the ice cream say to the birthday girl? Go head girl it's sherbert day
- One hot summer day on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are sitting on the stoop outside their apartment. Bert turns to Ernie and says, _"Want to go get some ice cream?"_
Ernie replies, _"Sure Bert."_ - I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over memorial day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins. Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.
- What's the Ice Cream Man's favourite day of the week? ... Sundae
- One day my dad went to buy me some ice-cream...
- Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
- How does 50 Cent sing to his ice cream? Go shawty
It's sherbert day. - Boy, you make me like an ice cream cone on a hot day. Dripping.
Vanilla Ice Cream Jokes
Here is a list of funny vanilla ice cream jokes and even better vanilla ice cream puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between vanilla and French vanilla ice cream? Cowardice.
- I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla Ice creamed
- What's the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream? Cowardice
- What is Batman's least favorite ice cream? Vanilla Bane!
- "I'd like two scoops of ice cream, please." "Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes, Sir, ice cream man, Sir!" - I like my ice cream like I like my women. Plain vanilla, and hopefully if it lies around long enough it will get wet so I don't have to do much with my mouth.
- What's Adam Ant's favourite flavour of ice cream? Standard Vanilla
- Why do diners in Kansas put a red star next to Vanilla ice cream? to warn that it may be considered "too spicey" for the average customer
- What do you call it when you study the Quran while eating a scoop of vanilla ice cream? Allah mode
- What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards? Vanilla, because it's all white.
Flirty Ice Cream Jokes
Here is a list of funny flirty ice cream jokes and even better flirty ice cream puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"
Rib-Tickling Cream Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about cream you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cream pranks.
A lady walks into an ice cream shop.
"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"
Ice cream
A penguin was having car trouble and decided to take it in to the shop. When the mechanic told him it would be a while he decided to walk around and do some shopping. After a bit he stopped off for an ice cream cone. Finally, he heads back to the auto shop. "Looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic. "no" replied the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
Arrows & Targets
A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."
A penguin is having car trouble...
A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Finger l**... Good
Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was l**... her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was s**... her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone."
"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A man takes his dog to a vet...
A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.
I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...
...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia.
...free, fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.
...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.
A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...
so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."
The Answer Is Four (Teacher Joke)
Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question…
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny. The rest would fly away.
Well, the answer is actually four, said the teacher. But I do like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny quickly replies… Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is l**... her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is s**... her cone. Which one of these women is married?
Well, says the teacher nervously, I guess I'd say the one s**... the cone.
No, says Little Johnny. The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you're thinking.
A penguin was driving along...
A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
So a penguin is driving along one day...
... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.
As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"
A little Johnny...
One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is l**... it, one is biting it, and one is s**... it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one s**... it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
No cream and nothingness
I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"
A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....
The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."
A penguin is driving....
down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while m**...?"
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.
I need to quit making rash decisions.
What do you get when you have rough s**... in an ice cream parlour?
A sore bae.
I grew up in a rough part of town...
The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Little Johnny is in class...
The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"
Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly l**... the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.
Man asks blonde for coffee without cream.
Blonde replies: "We're out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?"
You old fool!
A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.
The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."
The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"
Another penguin joke. n**...
A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
I went shopping with my wife.
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?
Because in space, no one here use cream.
two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria
astronaut 1: i can't find the milk for my coffee
astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream
"Honey, do I look fat ?"
Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "
A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .
He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.
AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"d**..., I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
I told my doctor that I got a n**... reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.
He asked where I had applied it.
I was on the bus.
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.
Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.
A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.
I told her we only take cash or card.
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?
Why should it? answered her spouse. I keep telling them it's for you.
Presidential
Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. The waiter asks, What about your vegetable? Jill replies, Oh, he will have the same.
Got the whole ice cream shop with this one:
While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.
I proceeded to ask Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?
Confectioner - I'm not sure… the morning crew makes the batches
Did they learn at sundae school???
I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.
Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"
"I'm having my tonsils taken out."
"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."
The second boy asks, "What about you?"
"Circumcision," the first boy replies.
The second boy responds, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for almost a year."
Riding in car with hubby and 80-yo mom; mom asks why the US flag at Mickey Ds is…
…half staff. Without missing a beat, hubby says its because the ice cream machine is down. I facepalm as my mom asks when that became a thing. 🤦♀️
My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.
I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
I'm kinda new to gardening...
Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Well, I'm never doing that again...
I'll just stick to whipped cream.
A young girl asks her father, Daddy what does the word 'corruption' mean?
- Bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
- But mummy says you shouldn't drink!
- Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.
- Oh, okay!
A man and his wife are shopping together.
The man puts a case of beer in the cart and she says Put that back on the shelf!
So they continue shopping and the wife puts face cream in the cart and he asks What the h**... do you need that for? The wife says It makes me look pretty! The husband replies So does the beer and it's on sale for half price!
An astronaut makes coffee
It's an astronaut's first day on the ISS and he's making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:
"Huh I can't find the milk"
And the other astronaut replies:
"In space no one can, here, use cream"
