crawls Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious crawls puns

Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.

"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"

"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.

She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.

She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"

"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

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Boilermaker

An old Boilermaker returns home after the late shift and decides to treat his wife to a surprise. So he sneaks into the bedroom, crawls up the foot of the bed, and proceeds to lick his wife's pussy until she has a thunderous orgasm. after he has completed his duties he goes to the bathroom to wash his face. He sees his wife sitting on the toilet. He says to her " how did you get in here before me?" She replies "Shhhhhhh!! your mother came over and she's sleeping in our room."

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A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

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An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

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A penguin's car breaks down

So he takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him that its going to be a couple of hours until he can get to it. "Oh man," the penguin replies. "It's too hot here for me, I'm a penguin after all." The mechanic tells him there is a grocery store across the street, maybe he can wait there. So the penguin goes to the grocery store, and crawls into the freezer. "This is great!" The penguin exclaims, "so nice and chilly." He then proceeds to relax, eat some ice cream and take a nap. After a few hours he returns to the mechanic.
"Did you figure out what was wrong with my car?"
"It looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, this is just ice cream."

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

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So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


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Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife.
The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.

"Did you get wasted last night ? Again ?"

" No no no sweetie, what makes you say that ?"

" The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weelchair there."

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Raped by an elephant

A man crawls into the emergency room profusely bleeding from his anus. "Somebody help! I've been raped by an elephant!"

The staff was able to get him into surgery to stop the bleeding. Examining the initial hole, the nurse was amazed. It was as as wide as a dinner plate! She questioned him, "Sir, this hole is big. I mean, it's REALLY BIG. And I know that an elephant's penis is long and slender, not thick like this. An elephant certainly did not do this."

The man replied, "He fingered me first."

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So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.

"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

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A drunk looks at his watch...

A man, who has fattened the coffers of the local pub this night, looks at his watch and says, "Well, it's about time I go home, and spend some quality time with the wife."

He gets out of his chair, and can't even take two steps without falling on his face. "Don't worry!" he yells, "I can just *crawl* home!" Everyone in the bar has a good laugh at his optimism, and the man crawls out of the bar.

Once outside, he realizes he needs to sober up. Takes a few deep breaths, uses a lamp post to pull himself up... and proceeds to fall flat on his face again. "I don't live *that* far..." the drunk reasons to himself. So he crawls home... it takes him nearly an hour to get there. He's finally at his front door, and he's trying to open it all silent-like, but his wife opens the door and has that scowl of *you-fucked-up*.

"How much did you have to drink tonight?" she asked, nonplused.

"I--" and before he can even lie, she says, "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.

"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.

"I don't have any water, unfortunately," apologizes the Jewish man. "I do have these lovely neck ties though. Would you like one?"

"You stupid, filthy Jew," curses the Nazi. "Can't you see I'm dying? I need water!"

"You're right, I'm so sorry," says the Jewish man, pointing toward the setting sun. "If you head in that direction about ten kilometers you'll find a fancy country club. I'm sure they'll be able to help you."

Faint with thirst and furious at the Jewish man, the Nazi stumbles toward the setting sun.

He stumbles back three hours later.

"They won't let me in without a tie."

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An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti.

He says, "that was one hell of an orgy!"

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Ed Zachary

A man goes to see an asian sex therapist because he can't figure out why he can't get a girlfriend and have sex. The therapist says, "Take off yoo crose and craw on rug reery fass!" The man does what he's told and he crawls naked on the floor. The therapist says, "Stop! I have diagnosis. Yoo have Ed Zachary disease." The man asks, "What is that?" The therapist replies, "It when yoo face rook Ed Zachary rike yoo arse!"

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So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes him up early,
pissed off she starts yelling at him for staying out all night drinking.
He says shes wrong and he was at work.
She says thats bs and the bar called
he left his wheel chair there.

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A snail and a bar

A snail slowly crawls into a bar. He painstakingly climbs up the bar and to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at him, grabs him by the shell, and chucks him out of the establishment. One year later, the snail returns. He slowly crawls into the bar, and slowly climbs up to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at the snail and the snail says "What the hell did you do that for?"

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Old man on his deathbed...

Old man is on his deathbed and smells cookies from the kitchen. With the last bit of strength in his body he drags himself out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. As he reaches for a cookie, his wife slaps his hand, That's for the funeral you bastard!

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Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's oatmeal cookies!" So he climbs out of bed and climbs down the stairs and crawls out to the kitchen. He reaches up to get a cookie and the miss's catches him. She smacks his hand with the spatula and says, "Fuck off! They're for your funeral!"

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A guy is driving down the highway when he suddenly has an overwhelming urge to jerk off...

But there are so many cars and trucks driving by, he's too scared to be seen if he does it in the vehicle. So he gets out of the truck and crawls underneath. He figures if anyone comes along, he'll just say he's checking on his transmission. He pulls out his dick, closes his eyes, pictures Betty-Sue naked, and starts beating off.

A few minutes later a state trooper comes along and kicks his foot.

"Mind telling me what you're doing down there, son?"

"I'm just checking my transmission!" the guy says.

"Well, you should have checked your brakes. Your truck rolled down the hill."

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Guy is drunk at the local bar...

This Guy is really drunk at the bar, starting to spin and feeling pretty unwell. He decides, enough is enough I am going home. He goes to stand up, and bang falls straight on the floor. "Oh, I am so drunk he says, I will try again". He gets up on the seat takes a deep breath and goes to stand again. Bang, hits the ground with a thud.

"Ok, I need some air" he says so he crawls out the front door and gets some fresh air.

He decides to try and stand and once again falls over. Tired, drunk and not able to stand, he decides to crawl home.

The next morning there is a big bang on his door, the wife kicks open the door and yells "You been at the bloody pub again!!", "No, what are you talking about" he answers.

"The pub called" she yells, "You left your wheelchair there again!"

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A man finishes several hours of drinking at a bar...

He gets up to leave and collapses to the ground.
Thinks to himself "boy, I'm really trashed".
Crawls his way to the door, tries to stand up outside, boom, falls down again.
"Man, I really drank too much this time".
Drags himself down the street to his house, tries to stand up and falls yet again.
"I really need to stop drinking so much".
Crawls up the stairs and passes out in bed.
Next morning his wife asks him if he got drunk last night.
"Nah, I don't think so, why do you ask"?
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again".

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The devil is giving a banker a tour of hell...

... and as they're passing the pits of despair the banker notices a pit with no guards.
"Won't the sinners escape with no guards?" Asks the banker.
The devil replies, "Oh that pit is filled with the socialists, they don't need guards. As soon as one crawls out the others pull him back in."

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Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...

He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect anything. So Robert crawls to the door gets to his feet and proceeds to fall flat on his face. The barkeep again asks "Robert let me help you get home" Robert's reply I'll manage and the door closes. Robert proceeds to crawl down the street all the way to his house, up the stairs and into bed all before his wife gets home.

Robert wakes up the next morning to his wife with a stern look on her face. Robert knowing that he got home before her asks "what?" She says I see you were at the bar drinking last night and were quite drunk. Robert perplexed at how she knew this asks "how did you know?" His wife replies "Jake called this morning to say that you forgot your wheel chair at the bar last night..."

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A snail goes into a car dealership...

A snail goes into a car dealership and asks for a race car, but says he will only buy it if they paint a big S on it. The sales men is curious about this odd request, but they don't get this offer every day so he agrees.
A week later the snail crawls into the dealership to buy the car. He crawls up to the sales men and asks where the car is. The man takes the snail to the back to see his car.
The snail takes the car and is about to drive away when the sales men says to the snail, "I been thinking about this all day and all night, but I can't figure out why you want a big S on your car."
The snail replies," Because when I drive by people on the street I want them to say, Look at that S car go.

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What crawls up walls and scares the shit outta Jews?

Gas pipes.

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So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.

A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....

Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.

He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him behind a rock for cover.

Juan with his last breath tells Pablo : Don't go there Amigo... Its not a Bacon Tree... Its a Ham bush...

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If you watch it backwards. . .

The Shawshank Redemption is about two mexican fishermen who are such great friends that when one of them is sent to prison in Maine, the other one crawls through five hundred yards of foulness you can't even imagine to be with him.

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What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg?

An abortion with home sickness.

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A scientists caught a fly to perform an experiment.

So he says to his assistant to cut off fly's wings and 2 of its legs.
The scientist says to the fly:
- Crawl. - and the fly crawls, - Ok, write it down "After removing 2 legs the fly still crawls".
And the assistant writes it down.
- Remove 2 more. - says the first. - Now, fly, crawl.
And it does.
- Write it down " After removing 4 legs, the fly still crawls." Now remove last 2 legs.
And the assistant does.
- Crawl, fly. Crawl. - said the scientist.
It doesn't move. So the scientist says:
- Ok, write this down assistant : "After removing all 6 legs - the fly lost its hearing."

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A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.

"Not another hat..."

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A thirsty man is crawling...

through the desert and comes up to a jewish tie salesman. He begs the salesman for water, but the salesman replys, "I don't have any water, but I have some nice ties for sale." The thirsty man again begs for water and the salesman says, " I only have ties, but over that sand dune 30 miles is a town with water." The thirsty man crawls the 30 miles to the town. Several hours later the man comes crawling back to the tie salesman and says, "I made it to the town with water, but they won't let me in without a tie."

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What are the most funny Crawls jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Crawls? Well, here are the best Crawls dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Crawls pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes