Crash Jokes
187 crash jokes and hilarious crash puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crash that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for a laughter-filled journey full of car, plane, lorry, bike and motorcycle crashes, police car crashes, helicopter crashes, lifeboat collapses and seater crashes? Our article "Crash Jokes" has got you covered with a collection of hilariously funny crash-related jokes!
Quick Jump To
- Short Crash Jokes
- Crash One Liners
- Plane Crash Jokes
- Car Crash Jokes
- Airplane Crash Jokes
- Market Crash Jokes
- Lorry Crash Jokes
- More Crash Jokes
Funniest Crash Short Jokes
Short crash jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crash humour may include short crisis jokes also.
- The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
- Shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
- My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
- The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve. It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.
- Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve? It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!
- They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed... They didn't install the driver.
- Did you hear about the lego truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...
- My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess So I took her to Paris.
We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.
Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died. - I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" - A Blonde Crashes a helicopter A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".
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Crash One Liners
Which crash one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crash? I can suggest the ones about crush and crunch.
- What does Stephen hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.
- I don't know why people are afraid of flying Most crashes happen at ground level
- Did you hear about the cheese truck that crashed? The street was littered with de brie
- I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes... ...but they never landed well.
- They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed... ...because they're all in *da nile.*
- My car was stolen and crashed by a gang of 14 year olds It was a minor collision
- Guys, I just crashed my KIA. Now I have... NOKIA
- I'm trying to start a Paul Walker fansite ...but it keeps crashing.
- A red ship crashed into a blue ship! They were marooned
- Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.
- An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery The police reports over 3.500 dead people
- A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
- A helicopter crashes in a graveyard... the police recovered 300 bodies.
- My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side So I crashed the car
- A truck carrying Scrabble games crashed yesterday That's the word on the street, anyway
Plane Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny plane crash jokes and even better plane crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.
- Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery. Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.
- Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the trampoline factory? Witnesses heard a loud Boeing!
- Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than- -crashed submarines in the sky.
- I hate jokes about airline crashes They're just plane awful.
- Did you hear about the plane that crashed on the way to the ginger convention? Thankfully there were no souls on board.
- Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea.
- What did the neckbeard say to the crashed plane? M'laysian
- So, there's a plane... So there's a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?
He wasn't single. - Did you hear about the two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard? Over 50 bodies have been recovered. Which is odd, considering its a two seater plane.
Car Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny car crash jokes and even better car crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
- I crashed into the back of a dwarf's car... He got out, looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy". So I replied " Which one are you then?"
- My Wife told me to treat her like a princess So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
- crashed my car today... a dwarf got out the other car and said 'I'm not happy', I said which one are you then?
- i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith thank god i was dragged out by the smiths
- A man crashed his car A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the Mercedes bends
- We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars. They're driving wrecklessly.
- Why the next James Bond should be a woman The next Bond should be a woman!
Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...
... And all of that while she's parking. - My wife crashed and smashed up the car today. She told the police that man was was on the phone and drinking beer. The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. "
- A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
Airplane Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny airplane crash jokes and even better airplane crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
- Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a cemetery? They recovered 12,000 bodies.
- I got a new German cell phone I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed
- What did the airplane say to the ground when it crashed? Boeing
- Have you heard of the TV show about the airplane? It sorta crashed and burned, but I think its because the pilot wasn't very good.
- I bought a german mobile phone yesterday. I turned it on airplane mode and it locked me out then crashed
- So I put my phone on airplane mode... So I put my phone on airplane mode and it crashed...
It must've been hijacked. - Airplane Humor I'm reading a book about a man who stopped an airplane from crashing.
It's pretty uplifting. - They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes... It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife.
- I bought a German phone the other day when I put it into airplane mode it locked me out and crashed.
Market Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny market crash jokes and even better market crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ups and Downs of Investing I was browsing the stock market earlier, turns out most of the airlines are crashing.
- Guess history repeats itself! We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!
- I put a bull and a bear in a cage to fight. The stock market crashed shortly after...
- The housing market crashed because Chuck thought he was paying too much property tax.
- Where did the crooked buisinessman end up when the stock market crashed? In a CELL! SELL! SELL!
- Why did some chemists go broke? The bond market crashed.
- A stock market c**... is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
- Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce? Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there
- What do you call a stock market c**... in Japan? The "My Yen" Apocalypse
- The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market c**... of 1929 But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps
Lorry Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny lorry crash jokes and even better lorry crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar. Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!
- Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises... It was a turtle disaster.
- A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins . What a turtle disaster .
- Today a truck full or terrapins tragically crashed into a lorry full of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster.
- A Lorry carrying 1,000 Tortoises crashed into a Lorry carrying 1,000 Terrapins... It was a turtle disaster.
- Lorry crashes and leaves the road full of boxes. Don't worry though, it was just boxes of Vicks vapour rub....
There was no congestion at all. - Huge c**... on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over There were ques for miles
- Why did the bin lorry c**... into a bunch of pedestrians? It was Bin-Laden
Uproarious Crash Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about crash you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crumble jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crash pranks.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane c**.... Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
A plane is about to c**......
A plane is going down and about to c**... when a woman suddenly leaps from her seat and screams,"If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman before I do!" She rips all her clothes off and screams,"Who here is man enough to make me feel like a true woman?"
A man stands up and calmly says OK. He unbuttons his shirt, takes it off, hands it to her and says,"Here. Iron this."
Princess Diana Jokes
What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can c**....
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane...
..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom "folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will c**...."
So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams "Who passed de gas?"
The priest says "how did you know?"
And the Jamaican answers "de scent!"
...I'll show myself out
Why did the l**... c**... his car?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
As airplanes about to c**......
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
Make me feel like a woman.
The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a c**... landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
I crashed into the back of someones car on the way home from work...
I got out to check the damage and a midget jumped out of the drivers seat shouting,
"I'm not happy!"
I took one look and replied,
"well which one are you then?"
How often do airplanes c**...?
Just once.
/**************************************/
4-way car c**... reported in Mexico City.
86 confirmed dead.
There are 11 blondes...
hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will c**.... So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.
After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......
Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.
A mother and son were washing dishes while...
...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a c**... of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
A red boat and a blue boat c**... into each other in the ocean...
All the passengers were marooned.
I was going to watch a documentary on the malaysian airlines
but I was too scared my computer was gonna c**...
Crashed in to the back of a car today at a set of lights, while I wasn't really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said "I'm not happy" so I replied "well, which one are you then?"
Hear about Harrison Fords plane c**...?
I guess he shouldn't have been.....
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Flying solo.
Why did Harrison Ford c**... his plane?
because he was flying solo and went look no hans...
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane c**....
It was the left wing.
A plane was going down....
A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters...
Dear JUSTIN BEIBER haters*
.
.
.
I owe my life to justin.
On march 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car c**....
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, So I got up and turned the radio off.
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.
Why did the crazy mexican c**... a train?
He had loco motives...
I'll show myself out
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car c**......
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians c**... near his farm.
When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Breaking news: A helicopter has c**... landed into a cemetery in Ireland
The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.
Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.
They both c**... when the drivers stop working.
Why did the hard drive c**...?
Because it had a bad driver.
Xbox One and PS4 Get into a car c**......
And here comes the ambulance "WIIUWIIUWIIUWIIUWIIU"
How does it feel to c**... a rental car?
It Hertz.
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane
The plane is about to c**... unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country.
The french man throws a baguette out of the window.
The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window.
The german throws the turkish man out of the window.
How many stuttering Mexicans does it take to c**... a server?
D--Dos
A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"
The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car c**...."
___
*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to c**... in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...
This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
A boat carrying red paint, and a boat carrying blue paint, both c**... into each other.
The crew are now marooned.
Two Police officers.
Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
Did you hear about the tragic c**... of the small plane into the cemetery?
So far they've recovered 324 bodies.
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver
If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll c**... and burn.
Why did the soviet plane c**...?
It was stalin
FOX new has saved my legs!
I got into a terridle car c**... and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.
A plane was about to c**..., and a woman stood up, took off her top, and exclaimed "Before this plane goes down, is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die!?"
A man stood up, took off his shirt and threw it at her, and said
"Here, iron this!"
What would you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car c**...?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..
It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to c**....
I take the bus to school
So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.
My mother was in a car c**... but luckily she was okay...
WAS okay, she's dead now.
A plane is about to c**...
A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."
What's the problem with robot waiters?
The server might c**...
A police officer knocked on my door last night.
He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car c**...".
"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".
Car c**...
I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....
Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
I made a joke about the plane c**... that had no survivors in it to my wife
She got angry at me and called me insensitive.
I told her, "you had to be there"
I was in a c**... with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled.
My bike was fine, though.
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Budum dum c**...
If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
Why did the blind girl c**... her bicycle?
Because someone threw a washing machine at her.
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong
Ill give you all a c**... course later. There's allah to talk about.
What must you have if you want to c**... a train?
A loco motive.
I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃
George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.
His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter c**....
George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.
Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
How do car companies measure the impact of a collision
A c**... test, d**...
I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.
I'll have to retire it.
Why can a 747 never c**...?
When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'
A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.
His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus c**...." "So what heroic act was he doing when he lost his hind leg?" the bartender asks. "Dang it man," the guy says. "With a pig this good, you don't eat it all at once!"
A plane is going to c**...
A woman rips her shirt off and shouts "I wanna feel like a woman one more time". A man a few rows back rips his shirt off as well and shouts "Take it, you can iron this too"
