Crap Jokes

Following is our collection of bullshit puns and deadbeat one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Crap jokes for adults, dirty shitty jokes and clean poopoo dad gags for kids.

The Best Crap Puns

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

Can a crappy dinosaur joke get a laugh?

You bet Jurassican.

Crappy advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist said:

"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

What crappy thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday?

A 'turd'


What did one butt check say to the other

Together we can stop this crap

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Crappy biology bar joke

A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.




Because they were cultured cells..

What do you call a magician who is crap at magic?

Ian

What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.

A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the blondy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"


Drunk needles

Two drunk needles walk out of the bar. They see an hedgehog walking by and one of them goes:

Crap, the bus is full. I guess we gotta walk home.

My girlfriend's a crappy computer

... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't.

Regularity

An old man goes to see his doctor. Doctor asks what's wrong , old man says I take a crap every morning at 6:00. Doctor says: you sound very regular to me. Old man replies: but I don't get up until 7:00.

A teenage girl came across an old man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane in time to a Lil Wayne song.

"Holy crap! I didn't know you'd like rap music?!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".

crappy pun

me: you know how sometimes caps lock locks you out of a website ,because you forgot to turn it off when typing the password
human society: yes
me: I guess caps lock is awfully shifty

A priest asks John if he's scared of Satan.

Little John says:

"I have nothing to be scared of, you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

Wanna hear a joke about Kool-Aid?

Crap. I forgot the punch line


What does a crappy Carpenter make?

Loose stools

Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.

A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"

The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man

The man says that the lady should not have to take that crap from anyone so he says

" ma'am you go ahead and tell the driver off, here I'll hold your monkey" .

Somebody walks in a bar

Then he says "ow crap that hurts!"

Old folks home

Three old fellas are seated on the front porch of their old folks home. The first one says " I like this place but the only problem I have is I can't pee first thing in the morning. " The second guy says I like our place too It's really really nice but I can't poop first thing in the morning. " The third guy says about 6:00 every morning I pee like a racehorse. And then about 8:00 in the morning I crap so good it would amaze you. Only problem I have is I don't wake up till 9:00.

The crappiest buffet I have ever gone to was at the senior center.

It was the last time I try out the incontinental breakfast.

Where does every craps player want to go when they die?

Paradise.

Crapping when constipated is really difficult.

Shit's hard.

There is an abundance of droppings jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 27 funniest jokes and crap puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any crud witze you can hear about crap.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes