Crack Jokes
164 crack jokes and hilarious crack puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about crack that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny crack jokes! These jokes are sure to make you chuckle and will have you cracking up in no time!
Quick Jump To
- Short Crack Jokes
- Crack One Liners
- Crack Up Jokes
- Crack Some Jokes
- How To Crack Jokes
- Crack Me Up Jokes
- More Crack Jokes
Funniest Crack Short Jokes
Short crack jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The crack humour may include short crumble jokes also.
- Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
- Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
- A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
- Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!" - What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
- What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
- Every N.W.A song Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown. - Some man I just met thought I was Israeli so I cracked the 10 lost tribes of Israel joke to him and he got gassed.
- Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
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Crack One Liners
Which crack one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with crack? I can suggest the ones about crick and crunch.
- Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
- Why don't eggs tell each other jokes? Because they would crack each other up
- You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
- Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on. He was on crack, she was on blow.
- What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- Yo mama so fat... When she tripped, I didn't laugh, but the ground was cracking up
- Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.
- Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack.
- Yo mama so fat it's hilarious I'm not laughing but the floor is cracking up
- Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in a crack
- If a crack forms in your backyard. Is it your fault?
- What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle? A drug peddler
- I woke up to the crack of Dawn the other day... I said "Dawn! Get off my face!"
- Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty, I crack myself up
- How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Crack Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny crack up jokes and even better crack up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up... Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo. - George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, Too soon. It was September 10th.
- I saw a homeless man asking for money I had 20$ in my pocket but I didn't want it to go to crack and alcohol.
So I gave it to the homeless guy - How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it? Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
- Step on a crack, break your momma's back! So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said "Why didn't your back break, mom?"
"You're adopted." - This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is... a Mexican stand off.
- Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
- Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away... omelette you think about it...
- Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
- What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys? Niggaless Cage
(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)
Crack Some Jokes
Here is a list of funny crack some jokes and even better crack some puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was Even the walls started cracking up
- My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work. And that's how I learned he was a necrophiliac.
- Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion) - Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
- What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic? They both like to crack open a cold one
- Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet? I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!
- At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
- An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!! - My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights That's quite the crack shot
- I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year. But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.
How To Crack Jokes
Here is a list of funny how to crack jokes and even better how to crack puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny They just kept staring at me.
- My last girlfriend was a Geologist... She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.
- Our crack team of experts has done the research They need more crack.
- Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world. Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.
- Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall? .....So he could see her crack....
- Why did the toilet paper have trouble crossing the road? It got stuck in a crack
- Global warming is funny. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
- Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
- What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
- How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar? Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.
Crack Me Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny crack me up jokes and even better crack me up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica 7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.
- Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job? Because he had a crack addiction.
- I like hunting with my vampire friends. It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- What's a crackhead with no drugs? Crack-a-lacking
- Saw 2 druggies having 69 in the park. He was on crack, she was on blow.
- What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke? Bun intended
- As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door. He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!
- If there's an Antartica Why isn't there an Uncle Artica ?
- As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs. But I didn't bend down to get it, because I didn't want plumber's crack.
- Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
Hilarious Crack Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about crack you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make crack pranks.
What is the difference between a Ritz c**... and a lesbian?
One is a snack c**... and the other is a crack snacker.
what's the difference between a crack head and a p**... head?
If a crackhead overdoses you find them dead in the gutter, if pothead overdoses you find them asleep in the fridge.
Who makes more money - a drug dealer or a p**...?
The p**...- she can wash her crack and resell it.
How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one more.
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
Lawyers and Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"
Christmas time. v**... and wine.
Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the w**... and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!
Support the war on crack.
Stop wearing low rise jeans.
There are two eggs in a pan of boiling water
One says "oh! I've got a small crack."
The other replies "don't worry, I'm only half hard."
How does a p**... make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again
My dad dropped his m**... pipe.
Now he has a crack pipe.
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a p**...?
A p**... can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
What's 7 inches long and hasn't been s**... in over 2 years?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
Who makes more money, a h**... or a drug dealer?
The h**... because she can wash her crack and sell it again.
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
2 Black Eyes
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
I met a little boy today.
He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."
My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...
So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"
And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"
And then the neighbor next door shouted in agony with his back bent.
What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one?
Necrophilia.
The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone
Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.
I still prefer crack.
Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?
They don't like getting sand in their crack.
How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car
Why did the toilet paper stop rolling?
It got stuck in a crack.
I used to go to the Chiropractor once a week...
But I stopped going because I was afraid I'd get addicted to crack.
A husband calls a men's help line.
Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."
Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."
Host: "I see... so what's your question?"
Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"
You know what's great about being a medical examiner?
Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.
Wanna hear a joke about eggs?
Nah, you'll crack up because my yolks, are egg-celent
Note:I've told this jokeat least 12 dozen times
One day I was playing...
I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before— like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!
What is the difference between a h**... and a drug dealer?
A h**... can clean her crack and resell it.
Black eyes
A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my right eye. So then they asked, how'd your left eye get black? Well I could tell that she didn't like what I did so I reach out and tucked it back in!
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was stuck in the crack.
(One of my students)
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.
Although the bodies are starting to pile up.
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
What do you call someone who can't stop looking at other people's b**...?
A Crack Addict!
A guy comes home with two black eyes.
A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her b**... crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.
He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.
He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.
Why can't eggs keep secrets?
Because they tend to crack under pressure
A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes
His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.
The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her b**....
"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want her to walk around like that. So I pulled it out of her crack and she punched me in the face for it!"
"Okay, that explains the first black eye." Responds the roommate. "But what about the second one?"
The man says, "well, I figured she liked it there so I tucked it back in!"
Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says whatcha got there, pal?
Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap
What in the h**... would you need all that junk for?
He said I can use it to crack an egg
You're such a rube, Goldberg
What's a chiropractor's favorite type of drug
Crack
What's the difference between a p**... and a drug dealer?
A p**... can sell her crack and use it again
What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
a**... crack
My girlfriend wakes me up by sitting on my face.
I've been waking up at the crack of Dawn.
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching s**... s**... instead of practicing!
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack!
Just a dad with some dad jokes.
