The Best 85 Crack Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Crack jokes. There are some crack crackin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these crack how to crack good puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Crack Jokes and Puns
What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
Two eggs were boiling in a pot...
one eggs says "hey you wanna see my crack"? the other egg says "Dont tease me I ain't hard yet."
what's the difference between a crack head and a pot head?
If a crackhead overdoses you find them dead in the gutter, if pothead overdoses you find them asleep in the fridge.
Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
Who makes more money - a drug dealer or a prostitute?
The prostitute- she can wash her crack and resell it.
How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one more.
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
What's a crackhead with no drugs?
Crack-a-lacking
Lawyers and Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"
I woke up to the crack of Dawn the other day...
I said "Dawn! Get off my face!"
An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.
How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
You can explore crack yolks reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean crack rip dad jokes. There are also crack puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There are two eggs in a pan of boiling water
One says "oh! I've got a small crack."
The other replies "don't worry, I'm only half hard."
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again
Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...
Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.
Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.
Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?
.....So he could see her crack....
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet?
I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!
Step on a crack, break your momma's back!
So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said "Why didn't your back break, mom?"
"You're adopted."
What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
Every N.W.A song
Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.
2 Black Eyes
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.
I met a little boy today.
He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."
My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...
So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"
And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"
And then the neighbor next door shouted in agony with his back bent.
What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?
They both like to crack open a cold one
What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one?
Necrophilia.
Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?
He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone
Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?
Because he had a crack addiction.
The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car
Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world.
Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.
Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny
They just kept staring at me.
Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.
He was on crack, she was on blow.
Necrophilia
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
If a crack forms in your backyard.
Is it your fault?
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?
Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?
A drug peddler
Who makes more money, a prostitute or a drug dealer? (NSFW)
It depends on who has the best crack.
A husband calls a men's help line.
Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."
Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."
Host: "I see... so what's your question?"
Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"
I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year.
But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.
One day I was playing...
I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before— like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!
Our crack team of experts has done the research
They need more crack.
My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.
And that's how I learned he was a necrophiliac.
I like hunting with my vampire friends.
It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.
This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...
a Mexican stand off.
What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can clean her crack and resell it.
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty,
I crack myself up
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.
Although the bodies are starting to pile up.
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?
To see her crack.
What do you call someone who can't stop looking at other people's butt?
A Crack Addict!
A guy comes home with two black eyes.
A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her butt crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.
He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.
He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.
Why can't eggs keep secrets?
Because they tend to crack under pressure
A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes
His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.
The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her butt.
"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want her to walk around like that. So I pulled it out of her crack and she punched me in the face for it!"
"Okay, that explains the first black eye." Responds the roommate. "But what about the second one?"
The man says, "well, I figured she liked it there so I tucked it back in!"
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says whatcha got there, pal?
Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap
What in the hell would you need all that junk for?
He said I can use it to crack an egg
You're such a rube, Goldberg
Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away...
omelette you think about it...
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can sell her crack and use it again
What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
Ass crack
As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.
But I didn't bend down to get it, because I didn't want plumber's crack.
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching stupid shit instead of practicing!
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack!
Just a dad with some dad jokes.
Why did the toilet paper stop in the middle of the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights
That's quite the crack shot
How to cook crack and clean crabs:
Step one: use commas
I used to think that crystal girls where stupid.
All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.
How could a rock give them powers?
But then I tried crack.
I saw a homeless man asking for money
I had 20$ in my pocket but I didn't want it to go to crack and alcohol.
So I gave it to the homeless guy
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Saw 2 druggies having 69 in the park.
He was on crack, she was on blow.
British people are like coconuts
Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.
Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
I woke up at the crack of dawn...
she was OK with it!
I was in the hospital for a week. I just got out and my wife tells me to take a shower and change my underwear. "Soon, they might start walking and talking on their own," she says.
I said, "They might even crack a few jokes.
.
.
"But they'll be brief."
Not a joke but a thanks to this community
I'm so glad this sub exists, I crack these jokes all the time to my gf and she loves them. Thanks for all the creativity here!
A bidet salesman starts selling drugs…..
he has the cleanest crack on the street
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion)
Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they would crack each other up
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the crack crack up jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working crack how to crack piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.