Crabs Jokes

Following is our collection of flounder puns and lobster one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Crabs jokes for adults, dirty krusty jokes and clean pus dad gags for kids.

The Best Crabs Puns

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

**Crabs on your organ.**

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh...

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the ocean.

If I lie there long enough, I get crabs on my forehead.

A man goes to a $3 hooker

He contracted crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"

Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.

Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

My ex...

My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs.

Why don't crabs give charitable donations?

Because they're shellfish.

A John gets crabs from a 10$ hooker...

he goes back to complain, and the hooker tells him "what did you expect for 10$, lobster?"

What's the difference between a $62 and a $285,000 hooker?

You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.

Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

Why don't crabs donate to charity?

They're shellfish penny pinchers.

$5 Hooker

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker. He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.

Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!

Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars? Lobster?

How do crabs get out of hospitals?

On crotches.

A man goes to a prostitute

and later he finds out he has crabs. When he goes back to complain, the prostitute says "It was only five dollars, what did you expect, lobster?"

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police.

The police came in a week.

- We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great.

- Let's start with the bad one.

- Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water.

- And what is the good news?

- We have picked up a bucket of large crabs from her body.

- And what is the great news?

- We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer!

A man goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.

So the next day, he goes back to complain and the woman says 'Hey it was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?

Guy comes back the next day after seeing a 5$ hooker. "I have crabs"

It was 5$ did you expect lobster?

What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

Yo mama so nasty,

She had to cut the string off her tampon so the crabs stop hanging themselves.

My younger brother told me this. Why don't crabs give to charity?

Because they are shellfish

So a guy orders a five dollar prostitute and contracts crabs from her, the next day the man calls the agency to complain

The receptionist answers with For five dollars what did you expect, lobster?

Why do tampons have strings?

So crabs can go bungee jumping

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

There is only one reason crabs don't donate and its

They are shellfish

So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...

...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got crabs." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not crabs. They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"

You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV...

But here it turns out to be about Crabs

How do crabs travel cheaply?

Pubic transportation

What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?


alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?

Shell Fees

alt. Why did my wife leave me?


A man goes to a $10 hooker and gets crabs

He calls her out on it, and she replies, "I was only $10. What did you expect, lobster?"

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

Don't throw your toothpicks in the urinals...

The crabs have learned to pole vault.

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar?

Because crabs only walk sideways.

How about you put sand...

...between those legs to make the crabs feel at home?

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

A man hires a $10 hooker and gets crabs...

He goes back with the hooker and complaints , she says "what were you expecting for 10 bucks? Lobster?"


What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common?

They both irritate Bush.

How does one catch crabs?

In anette

A man goes and gets a lady of the night for 5 dollars. He got crabs.

The next day he went to complain.

She said, what did you expect? Lobster?

I hate crabs

They're literally Cancer.

Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump

How did crabs get around Atlantis?

Pubic transportation

Why dont crabs donate to charity?

Because they are shell fish.

My girlfriend got crabs...

so i bought her a fishnet stocking

-Mitch Hedberg

So a man gets back from a holiday.

and he's showing his family a photo album. He gets to one picture and says, look this is a little monkey called a macaque, and it's diet consists mostly of crabs. His family is somewhat impressed and enjoy the cute picture.
The man then says "Well if you liked that, you'll love these!" turns the page and the family let out cries of disgust and horror. surprised, the man says "What? it's just another picture of a crab eating macaque."

Confusious say, when one man fishes in another man's well...

...he is likely to catch crabs.

confucius say when you take old hooker to all you can eat seafood

you walk away with a big bag of crabs

Did you know you can get crabs from a toilet seat?

It's true, but the other way is more fun.

There is an abundance of clam jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 55 funniest jokes and crabs puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any frostitute witze you can hear about crabs.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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