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Cows Jokes

127 cows jokes and hilarious cows puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cows that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article brings you a collection of funny cow jokes. Whether you're looking for a good pun to share with the family while at the farm or just want a good chuckle, you'll definitely get a kick out of these two-cow jokes! Get ready to milk some laughs with some hilarious heifer puns and udder nonsense.

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Funniest Cows Short Jokes

Short cows jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cows humour may include short cattle jokes also.

  1. The only joke I know. How does a cow introduce his wife...?
    He says, "meat patty".
    I am very sorry.
  2. I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
  3. What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee
  4. My 4 year old actually got me with this one 4 y/o: "Knock knock"
    Me: "Who's there?"
    4 y/o: "Interrupting cow goes"
    Me: "Interrupting cow go-"
    4 y/o: "MOOOOOOOO!"
  5. A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.
  6. What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!"
    I wrote this.
    I'm now a comedy writer.
    You are welcome.
  7. What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep? You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*
  8. What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
  9. A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
  10. What do evil cows say? Moo ha ha.

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Cows One Liners

Which cows one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cows? I can suggest the ones about bovine cow and dairy cow.

  1. What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
  2. Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
  3. What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
  4. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭
  5. Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
  6. How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
  7. What do you call a cow with no legs? My severely diabetic sister.
  8. Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo
  9. Are these gay cows, daddy? No, they're bison.
  10. How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.
  11. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....
  12. I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
  13. What do you call a cow that gets an abortion? Decaffeinated
  14. In what state are most cows found in? Solid
  15. What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.

You Have Two Cows Jokes

Here is a list of funny you have two cows jokes and even better you have two cows puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease? The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
  • Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
  • Two cows got in a fight.. One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
    One was cowrageous.
    The other was a coward.
  • Two cows are eating grass in a field The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"
    The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"
  • Cow Joke * What do you call a cow with no legs - Ground Beef
    * What do you call a cow with three legs - Lean Beef
    * What do you call a cow with two legs - your mother
  • Two cows are standing around talking... "Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!"
    "Yeah! thank god we're elephants."
  • what do you call a cow with two legs? lean beef.
  • What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow? You get two animals in a baaaaaad moooood.
  • What does a woman have two of that a cow has four of? Legs.
  • A cow recently submitted a two word theater review... "Udderly Mooving."

Two Cows Jokes

Here is a list of funny two cows jokes and even better two cows puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure
  • Two cows standing on a slope There's two cows standing on a slope. Which cows reaches the bottom first?
    The one with the smaller mu.
  • Two cows walk into a barn "man i hate this farm", said the first one.
    "mood", mooed the second cow.
  • Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around". The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".
  • What do two cows say in a meat shop? I really enjoyed hanging with you.
  • A man was recently convicted of beating another man's cow to death using only two small porcelain figures... Police report that it was the first case of a knickknack paddywhack
  • Why weren't the two cows friends They had some beef
    ^^sorry
  • What do you call a cow with only its front two legs? Well that would be an utter drag...
  • What are the two sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken brown cow.
  • Cow land Two cows are standing in a field.
    One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
    The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Cows Fed Jokes

Here is a list of funny cows fed jokes and even better cows fed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you get sharp cheddar cheese from cows? You gotta make sure they're glass fed.
  • Before the annual cattle fest, I fed the cows some 'quality grass' The steaks have never been higher
Cows joke, Before the annual cattle fest, I fed the cows some 'quality grass'

Uproarious Cows Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about cows you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holy cow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cows pranks.

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Interviewing Arab for US visa


Interviewing an arab for a visa

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast

Where do Cows get their medicine from?

The Farmacy.

Irish cream

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN?

TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

A joke I just invented (I think!)

I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

911?

Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows

A Milk Sheikh.

What do cows drink joke

Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?

Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....

The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...

A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."

Why can't cows do ballet?

Because they lactose.

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac tose

Where does almond and cashew milk come from?

Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

What is a better name for cows?

Lawn mooers!
My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why did the cows come back to the m**... field?

The p**... was calling the cattle back

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

How do cows talk to each other?

They cowmoonicate.

How do cows do math?

A cow-culator.
haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.

How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

Dairy

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below.

[remooved]

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.

There are two cows standing in a field....

The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.

A man and his wife were driving down a country road...

A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.
They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"
"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.

"So what kind of work do you do?"

"I move cows"
"Oh , so you're a rancher?"
"Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"

Why don't cows get ill very easily?

Because they have a natural imoonity.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I'm Becoming a Hindu

Son : Dad I want to learn about Hinduism
Dad : So are you going to be praying to your mother now?
Son : What are you talking about...
Dad : Hindus worship cows right?

How do you get 500 cows into a barn?

Put a bingo sign on it.

2 cows were standing in a field

One cow asks the other "Arent you afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease?"
And the other cow replies "Why should I? Im a helicopter"

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

SpaceX to launch ten cows up into orbit

It'll be the herd shot around the world.

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Herd."
"What was that?"

"Herd of cows..."

"Well of course I've heard of cows."

There's a whole flock of them right over there!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

You see?

A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having s**... with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have s**... per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"

So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows

But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.

What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It's pasture bedtime

People say Cows are Dumb

But I've never seen one that wasn't out standing in its field.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of m**..., and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Dad, are those gay cows? .....

No, they're Bison

I'm just milking it now.

Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He browses through a cattlelog.

What kind of milk do you get from footless cows?

Lack-toes!

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident.

Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.
At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…

If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don't work.
(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen
**farmer:** round 'em up
**me:** ok twenty

A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....

That's right, the steaks were pretty high.

One of the only jokes I know

What a cute bunch of cows!
It's not a bunch, it's a herd
Heard of what?
Herd of cows
Well, duh, of course I've heard of cows!
No, a cow herd
What do I care what a cow heard?


Sorry if it's lame

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."

What kind of entertainment do cows like?

Moo-sicals 🤣🤣🤣

From my 13 year old son: what do call a cow that kills other cows?

A moo-derer

What do cows call kisses?

Smooooooches

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

p**... and m**... take a short cut home across a farmers field

p**...: "Ahhh, m**... look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"
m**... says: "Herd of Cows, p**...... Herd of Cows"
Mildly infuriated, p**... replies:
"Of course I've heard of Cows, m**...: there's a b**... flock of them in the next field!!"

Cows joke, p**... and m**... take a short cut home across a farmers field

jokes about cows