Cows Jokes

Following is our collection of udder puns and oxen one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cows jokes for adults, dirty bulls jokes and clean moo dad gags for kids.

The Best Cows Puns

Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

My wife left me for an Indian guy

It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo


A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

Are these gay cows, daddy?

No, they're bison.

How do you call a cow with no legs?

You don't, because cows don't have phones.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.


In what state are most cows found in?

Solid

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below.

[remooved]

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

There are two cows standing in a field....

The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.


Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

What do cows drink joke

Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.

What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?

So what do cows drink?

Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

Two cows walk into a vegan bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It's pasture bedtime

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Herd."

"What was that?"

"Herd of cows..."

"Well of course I've heard of cows."

There's a whole flock of them right over there!"

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

Two cows got in a fight..

One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.

One was cowrageous.

The other was a coward.

Dad, are those gay cows? .....

No, they're Bison

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."

Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

How do you get 500 cows into a barn?

Put a bingo sign on it.

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

Two cows are grazing in a field...

One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"

The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lac tose

If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more…

How does a farmer count his cows??

with a Cowculator!!

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

Two cows are eating grass in a field

The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"

The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

My cows broke out of their pasture, and started grazing in my marijuana field.

The steaks have never been higher.

A Farmer and his cows

A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."

My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana

The steaks have never been so high.

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

Why do cows wear bells?

because their horns don't work.

I'm just milking it now.

Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Why don't cows smoke weed?

The steaks would just be too high.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

The rancher had 196 cows

But when he rounded them up he had 200

Where do Cows get their medicine from?

The Farmacy.

"So what kind of work do you do?"

"I move cows"

"Oh , so you're a rancher?"

"Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"

The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.

The steaks were high.

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in his mother gave him a dry bowl of ceral.

The boy asked "where's the milk for my ceral and my bacon and eggs?"

His mother replied "you kicked the cows so no milk, you kicked the chickens so no eggs and you kicked the pigs so no bacon".

The boy's father then came down and kicked the cat.

The boys said to his mother "do you want to tell him or shall I?"

Two cows are standing on a hill....

One turns to the other and says "Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"

A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...

A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"

The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"

"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"

The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."

The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"

"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He browses through a cattlelog.

People say Cows are Dumb

But I've never seen one that wasn't out standing in its field.

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

A joke I just invented (I think!)

I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

911?

Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."

911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

Irish cream

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....

The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"

The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

When do cows go to sleep?

When it's pasture bedtime

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one's mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It's also mine.

How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

Dairy

What is a better name for cows?

Lawn mooers!

My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

Why don't cows get ill very easily?

Because they have a natural imoonity.

Why do cows have hoofs?

Because they lactose

Why can't cows do ballet?

Because they lactose.

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.

A man and his wife were driving down a country road...

A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.

They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"

"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."

So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows

But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.

Two cows are standing in a field

...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

There is an abundance of pasture jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes and cows puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lactose witze you can hear about cows.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes