Following is our collection of udder puns and oxen one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cows jokes for adults, dirty bulls jokes and clean moo dad gags for kids.
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Laughing stock.
The pot was calling the cattle back
It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows
Moo
So he rounded them up.
No, they're bison.
You don't, because cows don't have phones.
Because they.... lactose.....
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
They consider cows to be sacred.
Solid
When he rounded them up he had 200
At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows
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Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.
A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.
Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?
One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
It's pasture bedtime
"Look! A flock of cows!"
"Herd."
"What was that?"
"Herd of cows..."
"Well of course I've heard of cows."
There's a whole flock of them right over there!"
And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.
Holding cows together
One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
One was cowrageous.
The other was a coward.
No, they're Bison
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
Put a bingo sign on it.
The steaks have never been higher.
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Because they lac tose
does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)
It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…
with a Cowculator!!
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"
The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
The steaks have never been higher.
A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
The steaks have never been so high.
burger joints
because their horns don't work.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
The steaks would just be too high.
The steaks had never been higher.
Keeping cows from falling apart.
But when he rounded them up he had 200
The Farmacy.
"I move cows"
"Oh , so you're a rancher?"
"Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"
The steaks were high.
His mother said he had to do his chores first.
So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.
Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.
After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.
When he came back in his mother gave him a dry bowl of ceral.
The boy asked "where's the milk for my ceral and my bacon and eggs?"
His mother replied "you kicked the cows so no milk, you kicked the chickens so no eggs and you kicked the pigs so no bacon".
The boy's father then came down and kicked the cat.
The boys said to his mother "do you want to tell him or shall I?"
One turns to the other and says "Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."
The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."
He browses through a cattlelog.
But I've never seen one that wasn't out standing in its field.
They're always raising the steaks.
Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.
Because their horns don't work
8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"
Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."
When it's pasture bedtime
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.
Dairy
Lawn mooers!
My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"
Because they have a natural imoonity.
Because they lactose
Because they lactose.
A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.
A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.
They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"
"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."
But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"
You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.
There is an abundance of pasture jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes and cows puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lactose witze you can hear about cows.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.