They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
Irene.
There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
Because the cow has the udder.
My severely diabetic sister.
"Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.
You don't, because cows don't have phones.
Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..
A visit from the Scientific Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
Decaffeinated
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
An udder failure.
A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."
Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"
You can't milk a cow for 14 years...
I'm going to hell.
With a holey cow.
For being outstanding in his field.
Sorry.
Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
But that's bullshit.
The steaks couldn't have been higher.
One cow looks at the other and says "Moo", the other cow says "Fuck I was just about to say that".
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, Let's talk .
Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?
Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.
Why?
Man: I don't know.
Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit.. ?
A steak out
A cow with no lips.
Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
Decaffinated
Cacao
One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.
A cow with a stuffy nose...
The steaks would be too high.
The steaks were high
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
Udder destruction!
A milk shake
It's pasture bedtime
Because the cow has the udder...
Beef Jerky
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist
Because mad cow disease was taken
Beef Jerky
The steaks have never been higher.
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
"Geese."
"Very good. What do you say when there's more than one cow?"
"Cows."
"Excellent. What do you say when there's more than one spider?"
"Shit!"
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: *"Homework!"*
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
Beef jerky
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge.
The first man turns to his friend and says
"Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A cow with no lips.
;) ;) ;)
The steaks are just too high.
Did you decalfeinate it?
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
It was an udder disaster.
^(I'll show myself out)
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
Ground beef.
Decaffeinated
Beef jerky
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
Moohaha
Your funding revoked by the ethics board.
[Remooved]
.....when he stops by one of the streams to get a drink. As he puts his hand in to scoop out some water he hears a shout from the greens keeper:
"Eh, don drink tha, it's full a cow shite an pish!"
"I'm sorry sir, but could you repeat yourself, I'm from England you see," says the golfer.
"I said use two hands so you don't spill anyway!"
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
Wife says to her Husband, did you know A Bull Fucks 3000 times a Year? Why can't You do That???? Husband replies, ask the Bull if He Fucks the same miserable Cow every Night..
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
I use these back to back to back all the time.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**
*Lean beef.*
**What do you call a cow with no legs?**
*Ground beef.*
**What do you call a masturbating cow?**
*Beef strokinoff.*
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cow? Well, here are the best Cow puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cow pick up lines to share with friends.