Cow Jokes

Following is our collection of livestock humor and udderly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cow puns for adults, dirty moo jokes or clean cattle gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dairy jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on cow. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sheep witze you can hear about cow.

The Best jokes about Cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic sister.


What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

How do you call a cow with no legs?

You don't, because cows don't have phones.

What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

Decaffeinated

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"


What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

Why did the cow get an award?

For being outstanding in his field.

Sorry.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef!

A cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

A cow with 2 legs?

YO MAMA

They say cow manure come from males.

But that's bullshit.

Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.


Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips.

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

There are two cows standing in a field....

The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?

A cow with a stuffy nose...

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

I went cow tipping in a marijuana field

The steaks were high

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…

Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too

Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…

Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milk shake

What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It's pasture bedtime

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?

Beef Jerky

What do you call a happy cow?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a grumpy cow?

A Feminist

Why is menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was taken

What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Jerky

BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks have never been higher.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."

Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Steak.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom.

Two cows are grazing in a field...

One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"

The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

What do you call a cow having a seizure?

Beef jerky

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow?

The steaks are just too high.

If you help a cow give birth...

Did you decalfeinate it?

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

^(I'll show myself out)

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."

The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."

The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"

"Shut it, Cinderblock!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated

What do you call an epileptic cow?

Beef jerky

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

What does an evil cow say?

Moohaha

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Your funding revoked by the ethics board.

Did you here about the cow that got taken away?

[Remooved]

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."

3 bad dad jokes

I use these back to back to back all the time.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH

Technology has ruined our kids

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "

A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes

**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**

*Lean beef.*

**What do you call a cow with no legs?**

*Ground beef.*

**What do you call a masturbating cow?**

*Beef strokinoff.*

What do you call an illegitimate female cow?

Miss Steak

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

A teacher is teaching.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)

What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.

I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry

I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...

... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerky

A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"

The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"

The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"

What do you call a cow that had an abortion....

Decalfeinated. Thank you, I'll show myself out now.

Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?

A: One if nobody's looking.

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef. how about a cow with three legs? lean beef. but what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

your mom.

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.

The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"

Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."

The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

One cow says to another, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

The second cow replies, "No way, I don't believe you."

The first says, "It's true, no bull."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes