Following is our collection of livestock humor and udderly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cow puns for adults, dirty moo jokes or clean cattle gags for kids.
There is an abundance of dairy jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on cow. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sheep witze you can hear about cow.
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
Because the cow has the udder.
My severely diabetic sister.
"Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.
You don't, because cows don't have phones.
Decaffeinated
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
An udder failure.
With a holey cow.
For being outstanding in his field.
Sorry.
Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
Lean beef!
A cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
A cow with 2 legs?
YO MAMA
But that's bullshit.
The steaks couldn't have been higher.
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
A steak out
A cow with no lips.
Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
Decaffinated
Cacao
One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.
A cow with a stuffy nose...
The steaks would be too high.
The steaks were high
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
Udder destruction!
A milk shake
It's pasture bedtime
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
Beef Jerky
Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist
Because mad cow disease was taken
Beef Jerky
The steaks have never been higher.
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
Beef jerky
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
The steaks are just too high.
Did you decalfeinate it?
It was an udder disaster.
^(I'll show myself out)
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
Ground beef.
Decaffeinated
Beef jerky
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
Moohaha
Your funding revoked by the ethics board.
[Remooved]
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
I use these back to back to back all the time.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**
*Lean beef.*
**What do you call a cow with no legs?**
*Ground beef.*
**What do you call a masturbating cow?**
*Beef strokinoff.*
Miss Steak
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)
...w/ no legs? Ground beef.
...w/ 1 leg? Stake.
...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.
...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.
...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.
...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.
...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.
...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.
...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.
I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry
... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim
He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
The cow didn't make it.
They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses
Beef Jerky
The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"
Decalfeinated. Thank you, I'll show myself out now.
A: One if nobody's looking.
your mom.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
The second cow replies, "No way, I don't believe you."
The first says, "It's true, no bull."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.