Cow Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Irene.

There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic sister.

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

How do you call a cow with no legs?

You don't, because cows don't have phones.

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the Scientific Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

Decaffeinated

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

Husband walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep.

His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.

I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can't milk a cow for 14 years...

I'm going to hell.

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

Why did the cow get an award?

For being outstanding in his field.

Sorry.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

They say cow manure come from males.

But that's bullshit.

Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.

Two cows standing in a field...

One cow looks at the other and says "Moo", the other cow says "Fuck I was just about to say that".

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, Let's talk .

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.
Why?

Man: I don't know.

Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit.. ?

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips.

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

There are two cows standing in a field....

The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?

A cow with a stuffy nose...

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

I went cow tipping in a marijuana field

The steaks were high

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…

Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too

Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…

Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milk shake

What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It's pasture bedtime

Why does the stool you sit on to milk a cow only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?

Beef Jerky

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

What do you call a happy cow?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a grumpy cow?

A Feminist

Why is menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was taken

What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Jerky

BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks have never been higher.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."

Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Steak.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom.

"Son, what do you say when there's more than one goose?"

"Geese."

"Very good. What do you say when there's more than one cow?"

"Cows."

"Excellent. What do you say when there's more than one spider?"

"Shit!"

Two cows are grazing in a field...

One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"

The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: *"Homework!"*

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

What do you call a cow having a seizure?

Beef jerky

A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Two men walk into a bar. . .

They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge.

The first man turns to his friend and says

"Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

What goes ooooooo?

A cow with no lips.

;) ;) ;)

Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow?

The steaks are just too high.

If you help a cow give birth...

Did you decalfeinate it?

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

^(I'll show myself out)

Teacher Questions Student

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."

The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."

The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"

"Shut it, Cinderblock!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated

What do you call an epileptic cow?

Beef jerky

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

What does an evil cow say?

Moohaha

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Your funding revoked by the ethics board.

Did you here about the cow that got taken away?

[Remooved]

A golfer is playing at St. Andrews on a beautiful hot day.......

.....when he stops by one of the streams to get a drink. As he puts his hand in to scoop out some water he hears a shout from the greens keeper:

"Eh, don drink tha, it's full a cow shite an pish!"

"I'm sorry sir, but could you repeat yourself, I'm from England you see," says the golfer.

"I said use two hands so you don't spill anyway!"

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Wife And Husband.

Wife says to her Husband, did you know A Bull Fucks 3000 times a Year? Why can't You do That???? Husband replies, ask the Bull if He Fucks the same miserable Cow every Night..

Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."

3 bad dad jokes

I use these back to back to back all the time.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH

Technology has ruined our kids

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "

A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes

**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**

*Lean beef.*

**What do you call a cow with no legs?**

*Ground beef.*

**What do you call a masturbating cow?**

*Beef strokinoff.*

What are the funniest cow jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cow? Well, here are the best Cow puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cow pick up lines to share with friends.

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