Cow Jokes
171 cow jokes and hilarious cow puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about cow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cow Short Jokes
Short cow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cow humour may include short calf jokes also.
- The only joke I know. How does a cow introduce his wife...?
He says, "meat patty".
I am very sorry. - I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee
- My 4 year old actually got me with this one 4 y/o: "Knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
4 y/o: "Interrupting cow goes"
Me: "Interrupting cow go-"
4 y/o: "MOOOOOOOO!" - A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.
- What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome. - What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep? You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*
- What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
- A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
- What do evil cows say? Moo ha ha.
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Cow One Liners
Which cow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cow? I can suggest the ones about livestock and cattle.
- What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
- Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
- What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
- Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
- Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
- How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
- What do you call a cow with no legs? My severely diabetic sister.
- Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo
- Are these gay cows, daddy? No, they're bison.
- How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.
- Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....
- I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
- What do you call a cow that gets an abortion? Decaffeinated
- In what state are most cows found in? Solid
- What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
Cow Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow milk jokes and even better cow milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
- What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
- What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? None. There is udder silence.
- I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior. He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
- What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
- What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud
Farmer Cow Jokes
Here is a list of funny farmer cow jokes and even better farmer cow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
- Why do farmers put bell on their cows? Because their horns don't work.
(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.) - How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
- How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
- Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
- How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
- So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
- A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.
- One farmer asks another \- "Are your cows smokers?"
\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"
\- "Then your barn is on fire." - The farmer asks a neighbour to help him round up his 18 cows. OK, so twenty of them, the neighbour says and turns back home.
Cow Mooing Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow mooing jokes and even better cow mooing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live? Moo York.
- Why did the scared cow say "Moo?" Because it's a cow word.
----
I thought of this today, did I make a new joke? - Knock knock Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Cow goes.
Cow goes who?
No, Cow goes Moo!
- Why did the moo run away? Because it's a cow word
- From my 13 year old son: what do call a cow that kills other cows? A moo-derer
- Why does a cow say "moo" when you scare it? Because it's a cow-word.
- What kind of entertainment do cows like? Moo-sicals 🤣🤣🤣
- The cow says "Moo." The pig says "Oink." The dog says Ed..ward.
- What do cows say on Halloween? Still moo.
- How do you hide a cow? You Cow-Moo-flage it.
Cow Udder Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow udder jokes and even better cow udder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction!
- What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster.
^(I'll show myself out) - If a cow doesn't produce milk... Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
- What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.
- WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN? TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.
- How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk? Udderly useless.
- I do not want to hear any more jokes about cows…. I've herd them all so don't udder a single word.
- Cows milk doesn't just come from one breast They have udders
- How do cows forgive each other? They turn the udder cheek.
- What happened when the cow jumped over the moon? Udder destruction.
I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.
Ridiculous Cow Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about cow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dairy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cow pranks.
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives
The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"
Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"
A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having dinner at my boss's house.
His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I said "Just one please."
She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"
I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... cow?
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?
With a holey cow.
Why did the cow get an award?
For being outstanding in his field.
Sorry.
A farmer was milking his cow
At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.
Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.
"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."
I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!
It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef!
A cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
A cow with 2 legs?
YO MAMA
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say cow manure come from males.
But that's b**....
Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?
The steaks couldn't have been higher.
Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?
The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out
My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?
Homework.
What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?
A cow with no lips.
There are two cows standing in a field....
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?
A cow with a stuffy nose...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing w**... on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.
The steaks would be too high.
I've never tried cow tipping before.
How much do you usually pay them?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went cow tipping in a m**... field
The steaks were high
God asked Adam to name the animals
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?
It's pasture bedtime
What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?
Beef Jerky
What do you call a sneaky cow?
Invisibull.
What do you call a happy cow?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist
Why is menopause called menopause?
Because mad cow disease was taken
2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"
The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.
The steaks have never been higher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should a midget not attempt to s**... a cow?
The steaks are just too high.
What do you call a muscular cow?
Beefy
(My 8yo claims she made this one up. I'm so proud)
What do you call a cow having a seizure?
Beef jerky
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cow is talking to her three calves
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.
One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
If you help a cow give birth...
Did you decalfeinate it?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
Did you here about the cow that got taken away?
[Remooved]
Technology has ruined our kids
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
Cow farts….
Come from the dairy air.
(I'll see myself out)
3 bad dad jokes
I use these back to back to back all the time.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH
What does a narcassistic cow say?
"Meeeeeee"
What do you call an illegitimate female cow?
Miss Steak
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...
... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"
The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little f**...!'"
What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
