Cow Jokes
171 cow jokes and hilarious cow puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about cow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cow Short Jokes
Short cow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cow humour may include short calf jokes also.
- What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma. - The only joke I know. How does a cow introduce his wife...?
He says, "meat patty".
I am very sorry. - I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee
- What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
- My wife left me for an Indian guy It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows
- I was having dinner at my boss's house. His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I said "Just one please."
She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"
I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow." - My 4 year old actually got me with this one 4 y/o: "Knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
4 y/o: "Interrupting cow goes"
Me: "Interrupting cow go-"
4 y/o: "MOOOOOOOO!" - A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.
- What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!"
I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.
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Cow One Liners
Which cow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cow? I can suggest the ones about livestock and moo.
- What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
- Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
- What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
- Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
- Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
- How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
- What do you call a cow with no legs? My severely diabetic sister.
- Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo
- Are these gay cows, daddy? No, they're bison.
- How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.
- Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....
- I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
- You'll never hear a hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke... They consider cows to be sacred.
- What do you call a cow that gets an abortion? Decaffeinated
- In what state are most cows found in? Solid
Cow Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow milk jokes and even better cow milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
- What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
- American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
- What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
- What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? None. There is udder silence.
- What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
- I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Cow Milked Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow milked jokes and even better cow milked puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior. He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
- What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
- What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? An udder failure.
- Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud
Credit to my 5 year old nephew - What do you get from an overly pampered cow? Spoiled milk
- What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk? An udder failure.
- How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
- A teacher asks her student Teacher: What does a Bee gives us?
Student: Honey
Teacher: What does a cow gives us?
Student: Milk
Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us?
Student: Homework - Why do cows make terrible accordion players? Because they always milk the notes.
Milking Cow Jokes
Here is a list of funny milking cow jokes and even better milking cow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds. You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.
- If a cow doesn't produce milk... Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
- What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation
- What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
- I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
- Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? The cow's got the udder.
- What kind of milk do you get from footless cows? Lack-toes!
- Where does almond and cashew milk come from? Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.
- How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk? Udderly useless.
- What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow? Condensed milk.
Farmer Cow Jokes
Here is a list of funny farmer cow jokes and even better farmer cow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
- TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
- A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
- Why do farmers put bells on their cows? Because their horns don't work.
(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.) - How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
- A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
- A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
- How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
- Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis? The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.
- A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Ridiculous Cow Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about cow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cattle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cow pranks.
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives
The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"
Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"
A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?
You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
What do you call a m**... cow?
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?
With a holey cow.
Why did the cow get an award?
For being outstanding in his field.
Sorry.
A farmer was milking his cow
At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.
Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.
"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."
I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!
It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef!
A cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
A cow with 2 legs?
YO MAMA
They say cow manure come from males.
But that's b**....
Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?
The steaks couldn't have been higher.
Why do they call it p**...?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?
The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out
My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?
Homework.
What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?
A cow with no lips.
There are two cows standing in a field....
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?
Decaffinated
Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"
Because it's a cow word.
----
I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?
Two cows are standing in a field.
One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.
What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?
A cow with a stuffy nose...
My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing w**... on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.
The steaks would be too high.
I've never tried cow tipping before.
How much do you usually pay them?
I went cow tipping in a m**... field
The steaks were high
God asked Adam to name the animals
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
Two cows were talking in a field..
One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction!
A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?
It's pasture bedtime
What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?
Beef Jerky
What do you call a sneaky cow?
Invisibull.
What do you call a cow pleasuring itself?
Beef Strokinoff
What do you call a happy cow?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist
Why is menopause called menopause?
Because mad cow disease was taken
2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"
The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast
Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
Would you like some sugar, sugar?
The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
Would you like some honey, honey?
The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
Would you like some milk, you fat fecking cow?
What do you call a cow that masturbates?
Beef Jerky
A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.
The steaks have never been higher.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
Two cows are grazing in a field...
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Why should a midget not attempt to s**... a cow?
The steaks are just too high.
What do you call a muscular cow?
Beefy
(My 8yo claims she made this one up. I'm so proud)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
What do you call a cow with **three** legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with **no** legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with **two** legs? Your mom.
What do you call a cow having a seizure?
Beef jerky
A cow is talking to her three calves
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.
One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder disaster.
^(I'll show myself out)
If you help a cow give birth...
Did you decalfeinate it?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!