Cover Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm...

... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

"How long should my essay be?"

Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt...

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?

Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

My girlfriend said that she wanted to split up because I acted too much like a detective

I said "good idea, we'll cover more ground!"

What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

My dad once told me that essays are like bikinis ...

Big enough to cover the subject, but small enough to keep it interesting.

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

An English class is writing an essay

One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman

One is on the cover of playboy while the other is on the cover of national geographic

A blonde goes to a doctor...

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde

"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.

She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.

"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.

"Cover up the cut in your finger."

Today I was approached by Beyonce

Today I was approached by Beyonce who had just finished setting up at the studio. She said to me, "Excuse me hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it."

I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?"

She said, "No. I put it on silent."

I said, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart?

It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."

/me ducks and runs for cover. :D

Happy Feminists Day! :)

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

The first thing he does is ask God, "Who really killed JFK?"

To which God replies, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted alone."

The conspiracy theorists thinks to him self for a moment then says, "This cover up of the truth goes even further than I thought!"

My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, TORNADO! All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed SANDSTORM! The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while she escaped. The blonde thought to herself, This is going to be easy. These people are idiots. The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, Ready…Aim…. The blonde yelled, FIRE!

How do you cover a doctor's mistake?

With soil.

You can't judge a book by its cover

Now you can't even assume it's a book

I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets'

We've already been called the best cover band of all time

A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

Why do Japanese hate bingo?

They all scramble for cover when you call B-29

78!

A man is sitting at a bus stop waiting for his bus to go to work. There are no cars on the road, just a young boy in the middle of the street jumping on top of a manhole cover shouting, " "

The man notices the boy and asks him, "What are you doing in the middle of the street?"

The boy just keeps jumping up and down on the manhole cover, shouting, " "

The man is confused. "Where are your parents?" he asks the boy.

The boy ignores him. " "

"Are you waiting for the bus?" the man asks.

The boy keeps jumping on the manhole cover. " "

The man then notices the manhole cover and asks, "Are you hiding something down there?"

The boy stops jumping, looks at the man, and says, "Yeah. Do you want to see?"

So the boy pulls a crowbar out of his pants, pries up the manhole cover, and rolls it out of the way. The man looks down, and sees nothing but darkness below.

The boy says, "Go down there and look."

So the man climbs the ladder down into the manhole and disappears into the darkness. As soon as the man is out of sight, the boy rolls the manhole cover back over the hole, stuffs the crowbar back in his pants, and goes back to jumping up and down on the manhole cover, shouting, "79! 79! 79!"

I hate people who don't cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

The magic word

Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?

The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

I need to put my phone in a cover

Just in case

There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.

They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.

The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....

A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...

The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.

The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?

The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.

The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.

*a week later

The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?

The mother replies Yes we were.

The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.

When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.

One group headed West and Wessex was born.

A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.

Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.

Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again

Playboy returns to cover completely naked pictures of girls.

Trump is in office less than a month, and already makes America great again.

(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

Can you cover for me/

I missed my shift.

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly cover her with a blanket and make their way to a hospital.
After a week, Ethel is still crying and carrying on. Wilma says "Ethel, you've just *got* to pull yourself together! It's not healthy!"
"What can I say" sobbed Ethel. "He never calls, he never writes!"

I'm in a band called 'Duvet'

We're a cover band.

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

When 3 Women Escape...

A blonde, a brunette, and redhead escape from prison late one night. Closely in pursuit and on their heels are the police. The 3 convicts come to a farm with a dark barn and find empty sacks which they decide to hide in for cover.

The police track the women to the farm and begin to check the barn but come up empty handed. Taking their leave, they notice 3 sacks moving and become curious. "Whaddya say, Hal? We best check these here sacks just in cases theys be hidin in dem."

The officers nudge the first sack, which the brunette has hidden in, and it begins to make noises, "Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!" The polices firmly agree with one another that this sack is just filled with kittens. Upon nudging the second sack, this time with the redhead inside, noise come from it, as well, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!"

"Heck, Stu, these here sacks ain't filled with nothing but farm pets. They's gals done gave us the slip agin!" Just as the officers are taking their leave, they notice the third sack, this one with the blonde in it, wriggling. Eyeing it suspiciously, they nudge it and the sound comes from it saying, "Potatoes!"

If you worked for a tarp company

your unveiling would be a cover up.

Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover?

Because sex cells.

In my birthday suit

A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter naked on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife naked on the couch.
"Since when do you get naked around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

A man was in a terrible accident...

and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and strip off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".

Icing on top of the cake

A little girl was visiting the zoo with her mom when they saw a pair of monkeys having sex. The curious little girl asked what the monkeys were doing. The flustered mom tried to cover it up and said,
"They're making cakes!"
The next day the little girl goes to her mom and says with a smile, "you and daddy were making cakes in the sofa last night weren't you?"
The mom is shocked and asks, "how did you know!?"
The little girl smiles and replies,
"Cuz I licked the icing off the sofa"

Artists cover their mistakes with paint, chefs cover their mistakes with sauce. How do doctors cover their mistakes?

With dirt.

An essay is like a girl's skirt...

It should be long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to still be interesting.

When does the moon cover the thun?

During a solar eclisp

What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race?

Josh Duggar at a family reunion.

What are the funniest cover jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cover? Well, here are the best Cover puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cover pick up lines to share with friends.

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