Cousin Jokes

Following is our collection of stepfather puns and wes one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cousin jokes for adults, dirty uncle jokes and clean coz dad gags for kids.

The Best Cousin Puns

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach


"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them


Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

My cousin is so poor....

that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

Is it ok to have sex with a third cousin?

I didn't seem to have any problems with the first two.

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

Albert Einstein owed the inspiration for one of his best ideas to his cousin who had Down Syndrome...

he had a special relative, you see?


So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.

So, that was a tense couple of years for me.

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Why shouldnt you have sex with your cousin in a moving elevator?

Because its wrong on every level

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin

He walks up to the host and says table for two please

What do you call Iron Man's transgender cousin?

Fe-male

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.



Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?

Countdown

This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.

5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know

Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?

Me: The red guy

Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?

Me: The blue guy

Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?

Me: The yellow guy

Her: Who lives in the white house?

[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]

The black guy!!

Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?

Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college?

He wanted to be a ninja-neer.

Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

What does non-alcoholic beer and going down on you cousin have in common?

Sure they taste the same, but it just ain't right.

Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW)

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.

A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.

Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, Why don't you play the flute instead of the bongos?

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

I'm about to have sex with my second cousin.

Hopefully she's as good as the first one.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

My cousin couldn't pay the church for her exorcism

So they repossessed her.

Pineapple on pizza is like going down on your cousin.

It tastes good, but something ain't right.

My mom's cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I'll have five second-cousins. Too bad she's an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

Who is Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumblewindow.

My Cousin's Wedding Night

On my cousin's wedding night he approached our grandfather and asked, "Pap, you and gram have been married for 56 years. Can you give me any advice on my wedding night?"

My grandfather responded, "take the hardest thing you got and put it where she pees."

My cousin thought for a moment and then asked, "why would I put my bowling ball in the toilet?"

What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.


My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee?

Broccoli

Favorite Dad Joke

My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.

Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."

(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)

Online Dating

I've been trying out online dating and it hasn't been going so well. Last night, I went on a date and ended up sleeping with my 3rd cousin... I can't believe I've now had sex with three of my cousins.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn't mind, go for it.

[NSFW] Is it weird to think your 15 year old cousin is cute?

I just noticed while blowing him.

My four year old cousin told me:

Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

What two word phrase is most often said after two cousin finish having sex?

"Roll tide"

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"

The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."

The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"

"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.

"So why is my name-"

The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It's leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I'd share it with you all!)

My cousin recently had an operation to become a goose

He's transgander.

From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes?

Wet.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

My friend was freaking out. He said, I just found out that the girl I slept with last night was my third cousin!

I said, If it bothers you so much, stop counting.

My wife and I made a list of people we can sleep with if we ever met. She picked Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, and Cam Gigandet

I picked her sister, her cousin, and our neighbor because men are simple like that.

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer. Kinda ironic how she died.

She got eaten by a giant crab.

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

My cousins asked me to sponsor them in a charity race.

Boy did they give me a run for my money.

My redneck cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously clichΓ©...

I mean really. Cracker wants a poly?

I like my women like I like my wine.

Twelve years old and in my basement.

(Joke was told to me by my cousin)

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

So my cousin has bieber fever...

Or as it's medically known, Down Syndrome.

My cousin recently had her baby aborted.

Such a shame, could have met my future first cousin once removed.

What's the difference between a Texan and a Redneck?

A Texan rides a horse, a Redneck rides his cousin

They say money doesn't grow on trees

But my cousin planted a few bushes with a funny smell in his wardrobe and is now making 4k a week

My cousin thinks it's illegal to have sex with someone who digs for coal.

She says it's against the law to be with a miner.

My Cousin always brags about getting to sleep in a race-car bed

Joke's on him. I sleep in a real car!

What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public.

A private tutor.
-Credits to my cousin ;)

What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin?

A Fortune Wookie

There is an abundance of year jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes and cousin puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any neice witze you can hear about cousin.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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