Cousin Jokes

If you're looking for some good cousin jokes, you've come to the right place. We've compiled a list of some of the best cousin jokes around, so you can have a good laugh.

Comical Cousin Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My Cousin's Wedding Night

On my cousin's wedding night he approached our grandfather and asked, "Pap, you and gram have been married for 56 years. Can you give me any advice on my wedding night?"

My grandfather responded, "take the hardest thing you got and put it where she pees."

My cousin thought for a moment and then asked, "why would I put my bowling ball in the toilet?"

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

What does non-alcoholic beer and going down on you cousin have in common?

Sure they taste the same, but it just ain't right.

jokes about cousin

What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.

My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.

Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college?

He wanted to be a ninja-neer.

Cousin joke, Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college?

5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know

Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?

Me: The red guy

Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?

Me: The blue guy

Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?

Me: The yellow guy

Her: Who lives in the white house?

[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]

The black guy!!

What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?

Countdown

This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.

Online Dating

I've been trying out online dating and it hasn't been going so well. Last night, I went on a date and ended up sleeping with my 3rd cousin... I can't believe I've now had sex with three of my cousins.

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer. Kinda ironic how she died.

She got eaten by a giant crab.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes?

Wet.

Favorite Dad Joke

My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.

Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."

(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)

Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

Cousin joke, What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"

The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."

The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"

"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.

"So why is my name-"

The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

Albert Einstein owed the inspiration for one of his best ideas to his cousin who had Down Syndrome...

he had a special relative, you see?

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

I'm about to have sex with my second cousin.

Hopefully she's as good as the first one.

Is it ok to have sex with a third cousin?

I didn't seem to have any problems with the first two.

Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin

He walks up to the host and says table for two please

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!

Cousin joke, Why did the chicken cross the road?

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.

So, that was a tense couple of years for me.

My cousin is so poor....

that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

My cousin couldn't pay the church for her exorcism

So they repossessed her.

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?

Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

My four year old cousin told me:

Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.

So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

What do you call Iron Man's transgender cousin?

Fe-male

Pineapple on pizza is like going down on your cousin.

It tastes good, but something ain't right.

Why shouldnt you have sex with your cousin in a moving elevator?

Because its wrong on every level

What two word phrase is most often said after two cousin finish having sex?

"Roll tide"

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My cousin recently had an operation to become a goose

He's transgander.

I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

Who is Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumblewindow.

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.



A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.

Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, Why don't you play the flute instead of the bongos?

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

My mom's cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I'll have five second-cousins. Too bad she's an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It's leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I'd share it with you all!)

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee?

Broccoli

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn't mind, go for it.

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son's biology teacher

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn't know of any

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That's a Messi room.

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?

Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.

Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.

Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."

The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her funeral."

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinarian?"

My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail

He didn't even get to finish his sentence

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife, "They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth."

He calls the guy and asks, "What's the weather like where you are?"

"It's around -20C I would say."

"I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C."

"Oh, well it might be outside."

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.

She ordered beer.

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A Baboom!

(made by my cousin)

Did you know Darth Vader's cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He's called 'Taxi Vader'

Did you hear about Cardi B's cousin, the fitness instructor?

Cardi O.

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen", the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

He asked, "How do you know that?"

"Easy", the little boy said, "All you have to do is add it up, like the priest said - 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Scotsman cries, "if that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

How happy can your cousin make you?

Relatively happy.



Sorry.

Positivity

Was discussing the power of positivity with family members. Told them I could turn any situation into a positive one.
About a month later one of our cousins passed. He was a very heavy drinker & smoker. At the funeral another cousin came up to a group of us talking & said let's see you turn THIS into a positive. I thought for a minute…and realized our cousin was being cremated. That's when it hit me. I told the group, the good news is he quit drinking, and a few days from now when the flames die down, he'll have quit smoking too.

I bought my cousin, who is blind, a cheese grater last Christmas.

He said it's the most violent book his ever read.

Got my seven year old cousin to laugh at this one

What do you call a mailman who's on fire?

Dead

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

Joko Jokes