courtesy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious courtesy puns

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor


Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.


My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago


What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.


I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)


"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver

Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter


How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)


What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.


What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.

Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.


A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...


A trucker walks into a whorehouse..

The Madam walks up to the trucker and says "How can I help you?" to which the trucker replies " I have $1000, I want the ugliest, meanest, foul mouthed women you have." The Madame says "for $1000 you have can the sexiest, smoothest, most beautiful lady we have." the Trucker replies" ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm not horny, I'm homesick"

Courtesy of my late grandfather.


What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)



Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?

He heard it was a pair of dice.

Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.


As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney


What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.


What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! 😂

Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.


Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes?

How'd you get their little legs apart?
(Courtesy of my dad. Who laughed about this for 30 minutes.)


For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...

...but nobody wants the job.

(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)


Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".


What country does fried fish swim in?


(courtesy of my ten year old)


Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?


Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.


Courtesy of my black high school ethics teacher.

A black man and a white woman are out on a date for the first time. Things are going well and the woman is dying to take the man home. She has never been with a black man before and all of her friends keep telling her how get it is.

She's aggressively flirting with him all night and eventually suggests that they go back to her apartment. He agrees and they grab a cab. By the time they get there, the woman is so hot to trot that she practically shoves him through the front door.

She takes him to her bedroom and then heads into the bathroom to change into sexy lingerie. Thinking about the man in the other room and imagining what how big he could be, the woman gets so turned on she can barely stand it. Finally she feels prepared. Burning with desire, she steps out of the bathroom and tells him: "Alright, now show me what you black men are known for!"

So the man grabs her TV and runs out the door.


Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.


Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.


A guy walks into a doctors office and says

'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'

'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'

Courtesy of my 6 year old.


Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.


What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!

Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.


Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"

The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"

He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"


My dads a women's rights activist.

Your dad? Not your mum?

No, dad wouldn't allow that.

*Courtesy of u/hihellow*


Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum


Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.

[Horrible pun I thought of last night]


What do you give to an injured lemon?


Courtesy of my daughter.


I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr


I used to enjoy internet porn every day.

But then a feminist friend of mine told me Seriously, go read about the way they're manipulated into performing. The way they're mistreated is repulsive.


So I did my own research and was horrified. I can't even get turned on by it anymore.


I just can't bring myself to support an industry where men get paid so much less.


*Joke courtesy of James Myers @MisterJMyers*


What are the most funny Courtesy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Courtesy? Well, here are the best Courtesy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Courtesy pick up lines to share with friends.

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