Courtesy Jokes

What are some Courtesy jokes?

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*

Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?

He heard it was a pair of dice.

Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! πŸ˜‚

Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...

...but nobody wants the job.

(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

What country does fried fish swim in?

Greece!

(courtesy of my ten year old)

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten-tickles!

Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.

Courtesy of my black high school ethics teacher.

A black man and a white woman are out on a date for the first time. Things are going well and the woman is dying to take the man home. She has never been with a black man before and all of her friends keep telling her how get it is.

She's aggressively flirting with him all night and eventually suggests that they go back to her apartment. He agrees and they grab a cab. By the time they get there, the woman is so hot to trot that she practically shoves him through the front door.

She takes him to her bedroom and then heads into the bathroom to change into sexy lingerie. Thinking about the man in the other room and imagining what how big he could be, the woman gets so turned on she can barely stand it. Finally she feels prepared. Burning with desire, she steps out of the bathroom and tells him: "Alright, now show me what you black men are known for!"

So the man grabs her TV and runs out the door.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

A guy walks into a doctors office and says

'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'

'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'


Courtesy of my 6 year old.

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.


Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!

Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.

Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"

The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"

He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

My dads a women's rights activist.

Your dad? Not your mum?

No, dad wouldn't allow that.

*Courtesy of u/hihellow*

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.

[Horrible pun I thought of last night]

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

What does a coffee pot say when it's feeling sorry for itself?

Pour me...

:-/

Courtesy Waffle House marketing team from an email i received today.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny.

Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk

What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

The Bullet leaves the chamber.

Courtesy of my comrade Ivo

What do you call a camel that hates cows?

Drama-dairy.

Courtesy of my eight-year-old

I finally know what women want...

...security.
....
....
....
I know because that is what they shout whenever I try and approach.

Bahdumtish
(Joke courtesy of my bf's father)

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea?

It sinks.

(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.

Cashier: Are you single?

Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?

Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler.

Courtesy of my physics professor.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn't peel right!

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

Dad, what do you call a fish with two legs?

A two-knee fish.

Courtesy of my 8-year old. Thought it was pretty good lol.

What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!

(Courtesy my 6 year old)

Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV


Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign



Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

What do you call a sick Darth Vader?

Barf Vader

-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.

I have to look up the word innuendo...

If you know what I mean ;)

Courtesy of Suits

What do French barbarians wear to protect their eyes?

Gaul-gles.

(Courtesy of my eight year old.)

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

I saw Stevie Wonder at the airport,

but he didn't see me.

*(True story, courtesy of Dad)*

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

What does a buffalo do when it's bored?

It goes ka-yaking.

Courtesy of my 10 year old

How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.

This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

I'm not procrastinating...

....I have plenty of time left.


- courtesy of my 12 year old son.

What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?

Bob

Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner πŸ˜‚

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

Why won't a snake bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

Flight Attendant on the Airplane

The other day I was on a red eye flight from Logan Airport in Boston to SeaTac in Seattle. The pilot got on the intercom and did his courtesy remarks: "welcome aboard, our flight will be 5 and a 1/2 hours... please relax and enjoy the rest of your flight."

After making the announcement he proceeds to talk to the co-pilot without turning off the intercom: "man, I sure could use a cup of coffee and a good lay right now."

The stewardess comes running up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that the intercom is still on when the guy sitting behind me yells: "hey hun! Don't forget the coffee!"

What did the miner say to the other miner that was eavesdropping on his conversation?

Mine your own business!

(Courtesy of my nine year old)

Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark?

Professional courtesy.

Yo Mama's so fat..

Yo Mama's so fat, that time slows down around here.
(Courtesy of Einstein)

Why does Jupiter have farts?

Because it's a gas giant.

Courtesy of my 6 year old.

Bonus: Uranus made Jupiter.

What's better than Roses on your Piano?

Tulips on your Organ!

This one is courtesy of my girlfriend, who is a classically trained pianist and organist.

Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors.

So that it could hide in the crayon box. Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.

A Chinese man goes to see an eye doctor (Racist)

After the examination, the doctor says "You have a cataract."


The Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincoln Continentar."



Courtesy of Junior in the Sopranos

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui.

Courtesy of Stewart Francis.

What does the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead annnnnntttttttt


Courtesy of my little cousin.

How to make Courtesy puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Courtesy to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Courtesy? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Courtesy pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes