Courtesy Jokes

Following is our collection of gentlemanly puns and lycansubscribe one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Courtesy jokes for adults, dirty decency jokes and clean degenerous dad gags for kids.

The Best Courtesy Puns

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)


"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*


Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?

He heard it was a pair of dice.

Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! 😂

Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...

...but nobody wants the job.

(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

Why did the old lady fall down the well?

She didn't see that well.

(courtesy of my 8 year old!)

What country does fried fish swim in?

Greece!

(courtesy of my ten year old)


Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten-tickles!

Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

A guy walks into a doctors office and says

'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'

'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'


Courtesy of my 6 year old.

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.


Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!

Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.

My dads a women's rights activist.

Your dad? Not your mum?

No, dad wouldn't allow that.

*Courtesy of u/hihellow*

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.

[Horrible pun I thought of last night]

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

Courtesy of Kurt Vonnegut in Jailbird pg 184!

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

What does a coffee pot say when it's feeling sorry for itself?

Pour me...

:-/

Courtesy Waffle House marketing team from an email i received today.

What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

The Bullet leaves the chamber.

Courtesy of my comrade Ivo

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny.

Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk

What do you call a camel that hates cows?

Drama-dairy.

Courtesy of my eight-year-old

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea?

It sinks.

(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)

I finally know what women want...

...security.
....
....
....
I know because that is what they shout whenever I try and approach.

Bahdumtish
(Joke courtesy of my bf's father)

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.

Cashier: Are you single?

Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?

Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler.

Courtesy of my physics professor.

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

Dad, what do you call a fish with two legs?

A two-knee fish.

Courtesy of my 8-year old. Thought it was pretty good lol.

What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!

(Courtesy my 6 year old)

Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV


Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign



Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

What do you call a sick Darth Vader?

Barf Vader

-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.

What do French barbarians wear to protect their eyes?

Gaul-gles.

(Courtesy of my eight year old.)

I have to look up the word innuendo...

If you know what I mean ;)

Courtesy of Suits

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

I saw Stevie Wonder at the airport,

but he didn't see me.

*(True story, courtesy of Dad)*

What does a buffalo do when it's bored?

It goes ka-yaking.

Courtesy of my 10 year old

How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.

This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

I'm not procrastinating...

....I have plenty of time left.


- courtesy of my 12 year old son.

What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?

Bob

Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

What did the miner say to the other miner that was eavesdropping on his conversation?

Mine your own business!

(Courtesy of my nine year old)

Why won't a snake bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

Why does Jupiter have farts?

Because it's a gas giant.

Courtesy of my 6 year old.

Bonus: Uranus made Jupiter.

What's better than Roses on your Piano?

Tulips on your Organ!

This one is courtesy of my girlfriend, who is a classically trained pianist and organist.

Yo Mama's so fat..

Yo Mama's so fat, that time slows down around here.
(Courtesy of Einstein)

A Chinese man goes to see an eye doctor (Racist)

After the examination, the doctor says "You have a cataract."


The Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincoln Continentar."



Courtesy of Junior in the Sopranos

Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors.

So that it could hide in the crayon box. Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.

Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark?

Professional courtesy.

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui.

Courtesy of Stewart Francis.

What do you call a sick dinosaur?

A Throatisorus.

Courtesy of my little daughter.. just kidding I made it up myself.

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

There is an abundance of patience jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes and courtesy puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lmao witze you can hear about courtesy.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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