Courtesy Jokes
119 courtesy jokes and hilarious courtesy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about courtesy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you have a sense of humour when it comes to common courtesy? Explore this article for some funny jokes about being a gentleman or a lady. Discover funny stories about otters, juniors and much more. A must read for those who appreciate a good genteel joke!
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Funniest Courtesy Short Jokes
Short courtesy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The courtesy humour may include short courteous jokes also.
- My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago - What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter. - I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member) - "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter - How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) - What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals? Phillipe Floppe
Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.
- What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake? That wasn't my fault.
Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter. - Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread? One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
- A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"
Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom... - Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet? You will tip over
Share These Courtesy Jokes With Friends
Courtesy One Liners
Which courtesy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with courtesy? I can suggest the ones about copyright and kindly.
- Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo
- what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth? A Flossiraptor
Courtesy of my 6-year old. - What country does fried fish swim in? Greece!
(courtesy of my ten year old) - Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail? It wins on appeal.
- Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors? Espresso patronum
- Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- What do you give to an injured lemon? Lemon-aid.
Courtesy of my daughter. - I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs! Very Little
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr - What do you call a camel that hates cows? Drama-dairy.
Courtesy of my eight-year-old - Courtesy of my 8yo son What's the highest rating that cheese can get?
Grate. - What do you call a Russian desert Vladimir Pudden. Courtesy of an 8yo.
- I have to look up the word innuendo... If you know what I mean ;)
Courtesy of Suits - What does a buffalo do when it's bored? It goes ka-yaking.
Courtesy of my 10 year old - Did Jesus ever have morning wood? He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO) - What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space? Comet courtesy
Common Courtesy Jokes
Here is a list of funny common courtesy jokes and even better common courtesy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chuck Norris does not open doors.
Tthe doors have the common courtesy to open for him
Witty Courtesy Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about courtesy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean behalf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make courtesy pranks.
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs.
Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could learn to drive.
Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".
How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)
I finally know what women want...
...security.
....
....
....
I know because that is what they shout whenever I try and approach.
Bahdumtish
(Joke courtesy of my bf's father)
I saw Stevie Wonder at the airport,
but he didn't see me.
*(True story, courtesy of Dad)*
What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!
Scratching at the inside of her coffin.
Courtesy of my dad.
As a child I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Courtesy of Gary Delaney
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny.
Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?
A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?
They've really been making headlines.
-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.
What does a coffee p**... say when it's feeling sorry for itself?
Pour me...
:-/
Courtesy waffle house marketing team from an email i received today.
An old man goes to confession..
An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the n**... in return for s**... favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler.
Courtesy of my physics professor.
What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea?
It sinks.
(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)
What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?
The Bullet leaves the chamber.
Courtesy of my comrade Ivo
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits! 😂
Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.
Why do cows huddle together when it rains?
To keep each udder dry
Courtesy of my significant other
If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?
Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.
(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).
A Chinese man goes to see an eye doctor (Racist)
After the examination, the doctor says "You have a cataract."
The Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincoln Continentar."
Courtesy of Junior in the Sopranos
What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?
Bob
Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂
Yo Mama's so fat..
Yo Mama's so fat, that time slows down around here.
(Courtesy of Einstein)
I'm not procrastinating...
....I have plenty of time left.
- courtesy of my 12 year old son.
What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?
Bacon and scrambled legs.
Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.
A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.
Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?
Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.
Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.
At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.
Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?
Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.
Joke is courtesy of my dad.
Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?
He heard it was a pair of dice.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.
What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?
With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.
But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!
(courtesy of my 12 yr old)
*
Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm
Because he has followers, not friends.
Courtesy of my 10 year old son.
For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...
...but nobody wants the job.
(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)
Why won't a snake bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
What did the miner say to the other miner that was eavesdropping on his conversation?
Mine your own business!
(Courtesy of my nine year old)
Only o**... can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
My dads a women's rights activist.
Your dad? Not your mum?
No, dad wouldn't allow that.
*Courtesy of u/hihellow*
Why does Jupiter have farts?
Because it's a gas giant.
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
Bonus: Uranus made Jupiter.
What happens when a phone goes to jail?
It becomes a cell phone!
(Courtesy my 6 year old)
A guy walks into a doctors office and says
'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'
'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
What do French barbarians wear to protect their eyes?
Gaul-gles.
(Courtesy of my eight year old.)
What do you call a sick Darth Vader?
b**... Vader
-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.
Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?
A slow poke!
Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket
A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
Cashier: Are you single?
Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?
Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.
Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.
[Horrible pun I thought of last night]
Dad, what do you call a fish with two legs?
A two-knee fish.
Courtesy of my 8-year old. Thought it was pretty good lol.
Brits
They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV
Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign
Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)
Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?
Because they could never makeup!
A man goes to the doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"
The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."
(Courtesy of my 10 year old)
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme
Courtesy of Kurt Vonnegut in Jailbird pg 184!
Why did the old lady fall down the well?
She didn't see that well.
(courtesy of my 8 year old!)
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...
...and you've never been to that bar before.
*Courtesy of Zack Galifianakis*
What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?
A hop-eration
Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water...
\---
*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!*
Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven
The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".
(Courtesy of my 8 year old)
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Courtesy of my 5 year old)
Because chickens are s**...!
Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?
1.60934 Kilometers Davis
joke courtesy of Stephen Wright
My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...
She could have had the courtesy to tell me.
What is a kidnapper's favorite type of shoe?
White Vans
(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)
What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?
Your great antique.
Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as h**....
Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.
Is it hard to spot a leopard?
No. They come that way.
\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.
What course do pirates take in colleges?
Arrght..
-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)
What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?
A meaty urologist.
BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)
What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?
An always oncologist.
Why are atoms selfish?
Because they're all that matter!
...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.
I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a laugh out of me!
