Hilarious Court Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.
The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?
A drunk is brought to court...
The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"
Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag?
It was a brief case.
What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
You can explore court testify reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean court prosecutor dad jokes. There are also court puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
A famous armorer was called to court...
…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?
Circumference.
Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......
....what happens next will shock you."
Man sentenced to five years for m**... with soap in public.
Came clean in court.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits! 😂
Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."
Just had the following conversation in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
Some people say I have my mom's eyes...
but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.
I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.
The court trial starts tomorrow.
A woman is taken to court...
The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."
If a deaf person goes to court
Is it still a hearing?
Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage...
...He lost his case
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court
Apparently he lost his case
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court
The game would be cancelled.
Your momma's so fat
she went to the food court and was found guilty.
Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...
The game would likely be cancelled
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...
...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.
The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.
Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.
Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...
It all comes down to Roe v Wade
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"
So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
Courtroom
Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?
Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for m**...
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
What did the Superhero wear to Court?
His Class Action Suit
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?
Moo
A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage
He lost his case
My wife tried to take away my baby m**... plants from me when we divorced
Thank god the court granted me joint custody
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king f**...?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction
After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.
The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.
My b**... community took me to court for not being h**... enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.
So I lost the case.
Why did Johnny Depp lose his court case?
Because he didn't have Heard immunity
Mario goes to court
The judge says: you must pay the court $12,000.
Mario, surpised, asks: Why?
The judge replies: It's a fine.
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: No itsa not.
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.
The judge threw it out because we had no case
Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?
It wins on appeal.
My day in court
I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"
I replied "I don't know what time you get up"
A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior
The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."
Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."
All, present in the court, burst out laughing.
b**... the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."
Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."
Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?
One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?
You will tip over
I was in court accused of stealing blankets.
I pleaded 'not quilty'.
A lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches and goes to court with her husband
Lady, when you stole the can, how many peaches were in it?
Four, answered the lady.
Then I'm gonna sentence you to four days in jail…
The husband then chimed in…
She also stole a can of peas
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."
The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
The Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg died.
It has become Ruth less.
The Lawyer
Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."
The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"
The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…
One could almost say they've been acting Ruth-lessly.
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died…
… The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.
Traffic court
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner
"I would like to eat cheese", she said.
"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?
"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".
"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.
"It is very important that I do not eat from the same piece of cheese as the rest of court.", said the Queen.
"Oh I see how it is", exclaimed the chef. "It's one roule for you, and another for everyone else".
What does the judge say when someone farts during trial…
Odour in the court!!!
A man is in court to get a divorce
He tells the judge "I just can't take it anymore, every night she's out past midnight jumping from bar to bar."
The judge asks, "What's she doing at all those bars?"
The man replies, "She's looking for me."
How does a cannibal defend himself in court?
He says: If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
Finally made it to the court of the Crimson king
Waste of time. All I did was talk to the wind
I got a court summons along with my cocktail
It was a subpoena colada
Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.
He filled up all necessary forms and gave a lengthy explanation about how everybody tell jokes about his name, including his family members and friends. The judge finally accepted his request and at the end of the interview session asked him: what other name do you want to have ?
He answered: I want to become Eric Twocock.
A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.
Hey what's all that in your pocket?
He says It's tennis balls
Well, if it's anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!
