court Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious court puns

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

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Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

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A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

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BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"

"Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt".

Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"

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Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

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I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was fucking Goofy!

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Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

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A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.

" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."

The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

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A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:

"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"

"By all means sir"

"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"

"Of course not, that's crazy"

"Thank you your honor"

The man then turns to the woman and says:

"Have a good day madam"

And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom





(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

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A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

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So three ducks have to go to court

First duck walks in. Judge asks "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack, sir." So the judge continues "OK, what'd you do?" And the duck responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, you may go."

Next duck walks in. "OK, what's your name?" "Quack Quack sir." "OK, and what'd you do?" The duck also responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, same as the last one. You may go."

Last duck walks in. The judge peers over his glasses as him, and says "Don't tell me. Your name is Quack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No. I'm Bubbles."

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One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologerΒ predicted that the Queen would die next day.

WhenΒ she really died the next day, theΒ King wanted to get the astrologer killedΒ as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him:Β "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"

The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".

His life was spared.

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Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You're Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at the papers and says to Mickey,

"So it says here that you are filing for divorce on the grounds that your wife is mentally insane. Is that true?"

"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaims Mickey,
"I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

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Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

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In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

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The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair...

... What happens next will shock you

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Courtesy of my black high school ethics teacher.

A black man and a white woman are out on a date for the first time. Things are going well and the woman is dying to take the man home. She has never been with a black man before and all of her friends keep telling her how get it is.

She's aggressively flirting with him all night and eventually suggests that they go back to her apartment. He agrees and they grab a cab. By the time they get there, the woman is so hot to trot that she practically shoves him through the front door.

She takes him to her bedroom and then heads into the bathroom to change into sexy lingerie. Thinking about the man in the other room and imagining what how big he could be, the woman gets so turned on she can barely stand it. Finally she feels prepared. Burning with desire, she steps out of the bathroom and tells him: "Alright, now show me what you black men are known for!"

So the man grabs her TV and runs out the door.

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If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and sue you for all you got!"
To which the farmer say calmly
"Now, now you city-slicker, in Michigan we have a solution to settle these small disputes."
"Oh really?" says the lawyer
"Yes it's called the Three kick rule, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and who ever gives up first loses and the winner keeps the duck."
"Well that sounds easy, lets do this!"
The lawyer asks for a moment then turns around and takes couple deep breaths then says
"I'm ready" and turns around. As soon as he turned around the farmer kicked him in the family jewels with his steel toed boots and that brought him down to his knees. The next to kicks are so pain full he nearly gives up the duck. He slowly stands up spits on the ground and says
"Now it's my turn to kick you old man!"
The farmer slowly smiles and says
"Nah, I give up you can have the duck."

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3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

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The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

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I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

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Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man

The man asked the judge,

Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?

The judge answered If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail

Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?

I have no authority on what's in your head. You're free to think whatever you please.

In that case, your honor, I think that you're a motherfucker.

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls

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Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

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Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage...

...He lost his case

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What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

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Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who's there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it's pointless

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

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Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you.

Man : "Titties"

Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

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Courtroom

Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder

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Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" πŸ˜‚

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Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

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Minnie and Mickey Mouse are getting a divorce...

The divorce court judge looks down at the paperwork and says to Mickey "It says here that you want to divorce Minnie because you think she is crazy?" And Mickey replies, "No, I said I want a divorce because she is fucking Goofy!"

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Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs...

When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

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*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

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Getting beat

(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."

So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up

"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."

So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.

"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

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Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

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I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.

The court trial starts tomorrow.

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An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots.

At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said "I'm going to sentence you to one month for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson..you stole four carrots so that's four months jail time for you."

Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"

The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today."

The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse get a divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court trying to settle the terms of their divorce, and the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, you say you are divorcing your wife because she is crazy, but I see no reason to believe your wife is mentally ill!" Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy; I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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A man stands up in court to hear his sentence...

Judge: "For killing you wife with a hammer..."
A man in the crowd: "You fucking bastard!"
The judge continues: "... and for killing your daughter with a hammer..."
The man in the crowd again: "You fucking bastard!"
Judge: "Sir, I know this is a heinous crime, but I am going to have to ask you to be quiet or else you will be expelled from this court room."
Man: "You fucking bastard! When I asked you if I could borrow your hammer you said you didn't have one!"

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Lawyer Humor (From a textbook)

A traffic court judge found himself facing two attorneys, both of whom he knew very well. Both were charged with speeding violations. "Gentlemen," he said, "I could not be truly objective in either of your cases, so I'm going to let you judge each other's case." Both Lawyers agreed. Attorney Number One climbed to the bench. "You are charged with driving 40 in a 25 mph zone. How do you plead?" he asked Attorney Number Two. "Guilty," was the response. "I fine you $50," said Number Two. Then they exchanged places. "You are charged with driving 40 in a 25 mph zone," said Number Two. "What is your plea?" "Guilty," said Number one. "Then I fine you $200," said Number Two. "Hey! That's unfair," said the first. "I fined you only $50." "Yes," was the reply, "but there is too much speeding going on. This is the second case we've had like that today"

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A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

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Mickey Mouse arrives in divorce court

The judge says, "So you want to divorce Minnie just because she is mentally deranged?"
Mickey responds," I never said that she was mentally deranged I said she was fucking Goofy".

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A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case.

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Some people say I have my mom's eyes...

but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.

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So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

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A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

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Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

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The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

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A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

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Four types of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag?

It was a brief case.

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven't been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! πŸ˜‚

Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

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So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

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Old man in the mall

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

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I said hi to a feminist yesterday

My court date is tomorrow

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Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

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In a courtroom...

*Mickey. mouse, it says here you want to divorce mini because she was... extremely silly?

"No! I said she was fucking goofy!!"

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Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie Mouse...

Mickey Mouse is in court filing for a divorce from Minnie. One day during the process, Mickey's lawyer comes up to him and says, "You know, you told me that your wife was crazy, but she seems perfectly sane to me."
"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey replied, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

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Three ducks were arrested one night for being in the lake after hours.

In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours. The duck said," I was blowing bubbles." The judge fined him and let him go.
The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours. The duck said, "I was blowing bubbles." Annoyed the judge fined him and let him go.
The last duck came in and the judge asked why he was in the lake after hours. Before he could respond the judge said, "Let me guess, you were there blowing bubbles?"
The duck smiled and said, "No sir, My name is bubbles."

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Court Case

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

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So Mickey and Minnie were in divorce court...

And the lawyer said "So Mickey, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy."
Mickey says "No, I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

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Mickey Mouse is in court to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse. The judge says "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a bit silly" Mickey says...

"I didn't say she was a bit silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

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An elderly lady went to court…

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
"What is it that you stole?" the judge asked her.
"Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
"Alright. How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay? Does that sound fair to you?"
"Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does."
"Your Honor!" her husband piped up. "I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…"

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court

The judge says: "So Mickey, I hear you want to divorce Minnie because you think she's crazy?"

Mickey replies: "No, what I think you heard me say was she's fucking Goofy"

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Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then asked the old lady "How many peaches were in the tin?"

"Six" she replied.

"Ok i'm going to give you one day in prison for each peach."

All of a sudden, the wife's husband stood up and objected the judge's ruling.

"Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas".

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A drunk is brought to court...

The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"

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What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

Mickey has just finished explaining to the judge why he wants to divorce his partner of many years. After hearing Mickey's story, the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand it's difficult to deal with, but I don't think you should separate from your wife just because you think she's acting a little crazy. Most husbands believe their wives are kind of nutty."

"No, your honor, you don't understand" Mickey replies, "she's FUCKING Goofy!"

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The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

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A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!

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Your momma's so fat

she went to the food court and was found guilty.

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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

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What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

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A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

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Mickey and Minnie are in a divorce

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking goofy."

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A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The second duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the last duck.

The last duck steps up.

Lemme guess, is your name Quack Quack Quack? asked Judge Swan.

No, my name is Bubbles

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A lying neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

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Four kinds of sex...

There are four kinds of sex...

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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Quack Quack Quack

Three ducks are in court.
The first duck goes up to the judge.
The judge asks, "What's your name"?
The first duck replies, "Quack"
The judge asks, " What did you do, Quack"?
Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond".
The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail.
The second duck comes up to the judge and the judge asks him his name.
The second duck says, "Quack Quack".
The judge asked, "What did you do, Quack Quack"?
Quack Quack replied, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond too".
The judge sentenced Quack Quack to 3 months.
The third duck goes up to the judge and judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack"
The third duck replies, "No, my name is Bubbles".

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I paid $600 to get off once

Damn court costs.

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The Divorce Mediator

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' Β Β 
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. '**And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.**'

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What do lawyers wear to court?

*Lawsuits*

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!

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Divorce Court (Sorry if it's a repost)

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge turns to mickey, confused, and asks: "Wait, let me get this straight, you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey frowns and shakes his head. "No, no, I said I want to leave her because she's fucking goofy!"

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Mickey mouse gets a divorce

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, and the judge says to Mickey, "I know you said she's crazy, but I don't think that's a good reason to get a divorce," and Mickey says, "I didn't say she's crazy, I said that she's fucking goofy."

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Mickey Mouse is sitting in divorce court....

And the judge looks to him and says "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because you say that she's crazy." Mickey looks up to the judge and says "judge, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy."

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A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

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Custody trial

Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?

J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "

JB: "no, she beats me."

J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"

JB: "no, he beats me too."

J: "then who will you live with?"

JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"

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Mickey Mouse Gets a Divorce

After spending the day in Family Court, the lawyer says to Mickey: "Okay, let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie because you say she's crazy"

To which Mickey replies: "I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fucking Goofy"

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Did you hear about the hillbilly who was called to testify in court?

When he spoke you could only see the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

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TIL Supreme Court judge kidnapped by cannibals in the Caribbean!

Justice was served.

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Jogger finds a tennis ball

So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there.


So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks:

"What have you got there Joe?"


"That? That's a tennis ball."


"Dear lord, and I thought having a tennis elbow was bad!"

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I accidenty said Hi to a feminist the other day...

My court case starts tomorrow

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Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies"..

Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.

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What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

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A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk seargeant told him.

"I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife," pleaded the man. "I've been trying to do that for years!"

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Mickey & Minnie are at court for divorce

After Mickey gives his reason for filing for divorce the judge says to him Now Mickey, you can't just divorce Minnie because she's a little silly. To which Mickey responds I didn't say she was a little silly! I said she was fucking Goofy!

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A bus conductor pushes a guy out of the bus...

... for not having the money to pay for the ride. The guy dies and the passengers angrily take the conductor to court.
The trial finds him guilty. He is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
Soon he is bounded on the electric chair and the power is fed to the chair. But nothing happens and the man does not die.
The next evening, a lady falls out of a moving bus, the conductor of that bus tries to save her but he couldn't get hold of her and she dies. In light of the previous event, the passengers accuse him of pushing the lady out of the bus for not paying and takes him to court. He is found guilty and gets sentenced to death by the electric chair. But this time, he, being a good conductor, dies.

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So they've finally got Hitler in court..

And the Judge says to him, "Adolf, if you were given a chance to change anything about what you've done, what would you do?"

Hitler replies, "Well first I'd kill a few million more Jews, and then I'd kill a clown."

With a contorted face the Judge asks, "Why would you kill a clown?"

Hitler says, "See--nobody cares about the Jews."

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

It heard the referee was blowing fowls

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A blonde goes to court

A blonde goes to court.

Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.

The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets aggravated, walks up to the elderly man and asks "Whatcha staring for old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy before?" The elderly man says "Sure have. Got drunk in the Army once and had sex with a peacock. Just trying to determine if you might be my son."

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A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death.

What happens next will shock you.

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I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer..

It was a suspended sentence

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Why did the duck cross the basketball court?

He heard the referees were blowing fouls...

-Jim Norton

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When a dog is in "Heat", that means it wants sex.

Well, that's my defense for court tomorrow anyway...

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Yo momma so stupid

when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

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Supreme Court

Is just regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

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Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing

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Mickey and Minnie mouse are going through a Divorce

in the court room the Judge reads over the case, turns to Mickey and says "I cant legally allow this divorce just because you think she's crazy." Mickey looks back at the Judge and replies "I never said she was crazy your honor, I said she's fucking Goofy."

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What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

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An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"

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TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court

they would have to cancel the game.

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Busted!

A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.

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There's 3 bears..

Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"

I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!

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Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

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A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

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Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."



"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits

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A woman is in court..

A woman is in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitars.
As she stands there, the judge is looking over her offences and asks;

First offender?

The woman replies 'No, first a Gibson then a Fender'.

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For you guitarists out there...

After going through a brutal divorce, a woman decides to get revenge. She goes to get ex's house, and proceeds to destroy each and every one of his guitars. When she gets to court, the judge asks her;

"First offender?"

She replies; "No. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

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I said hello to a feminist

My court date starts tomorrow.

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Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.

"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."

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"I find pleasure in the little things"...

...Said the pedofile to the court.

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A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

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Why was the public masturbator released?

he got off in court

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Some translated jokes

A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says "I didn't kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple." "Then why are her eyes black?" asks the judge. "She said she won't eat it."

***

Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says "I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came to visit me. I dropped the knife when I tried to get up to greet him, but unfortunately he slipped and fell on the knife by his chest 48 times."

***

An officer becomes a platoon leader. He lined up his troops and holding a paper with the names of the soldiers he called their names to see who is who. He calls "John" and a soldier goes "Here!". "Smith", "Here!". And as he progressed down the list calling their names one name came up. Not thinking much the officer calls "Cat" and a soldier goes "Here!". Funny name, he thinks to himself and sees the next name. Confused the officer calls "Get your foot off the fence." and a soldier goes "Here!" After a few odd and strange names the officer says "You people have some strange names." and a soldier goes "Here!"

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Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.

[Horrible pun I thought of last night]

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He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

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I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

Because the referee was blowin fowles

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What are the best Court puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Court? Well, here are the best jokes about Court to have fun with.

Joko Jokes