The Best 74 Court Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Court jokes. There are some court lawsuit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these court court reporter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Court Jokes and Puns

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

jokes about court

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.


I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

Court joke, So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

A drunk is brought to court...

The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"

Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag?

It was a brief case.

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

You can explore court testify reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean court prosecutor dad jokes. There are also court puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls

Court joke, Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."


Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! πŸ˜‚

Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:

"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"

"By all means sir"

"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"

"Of course not, that's crazy"

"Thank you your honor"

The man then turns to the woman and says:

"Have a good day madam"

And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom

(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

Some people say I have my mom's eyes...

but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.

I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.

The court trial starts tomorrow.

Court joke, I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage...

...He lost his case


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

Your momma's so fat

she went to the food court and was found guilty.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Courtroom

Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

why is DNA evidence not permissible in Alabama court?

because its all the same anyway

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

Why is the Invisible Man the worst lawyer?

He can never appear in court.

Why did Johnny Depp lose his court case?

Because he didn't have Heard immunity

Mario goes to court

The judge says: you must pay the court $12,000.

Mario, surpised, asks: Why?

The judge replies: It's a fine.

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: No itsa not.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

My day in court

I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"

I replied "I don't know what time you get up"

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

I was in court accused of stealing blankets.

I pleaded 'not quilty'.

A lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches and goes to court with her husband

Lady, when you stole the can, how many peaches were in it?

Four, answered the lady.

Then I'm gonna sentence you to four days in jail…

The husband then chimed in…

She also stole a can of peas

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."

The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

..... HE WON !!

The Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg died.

It has become Ruth less.

A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his case is thrown out by the judge.


When asked why he let a serial killer go, the judge replies: "If we arrested everyone for bad facebook posts, half the country would be in jail!".

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."

The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"

If I had a dollar for every time Amber Heard lied in court

I'd have enough money to fulfil her charity pledge.

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they've been acting Ruth-lessly.

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah... they were canned tomatoes...

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

Another soviet joke.

A lawyer (L) walks in the court and meets a judge(his friend) (J) exiting a courtroom and laughing his ass off.
L - Hey, why you laugh so hard?
J - Oh, i'v just heard a very good joke.
L - care to share it?
J - No, can't. Just sentenced a guy for life for telling that joke.

Ever since Bader Ginsburg died…

… The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the court fined jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working court court jester piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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