Couples Jokes

Following is our collection of whirlwind humor and couple one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Couples puns for adults, dirty lovers jokes or clean difficulties gags for kids.

There is an abundance of old couple jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes on couples. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any the jewish couple witze you can hear about couples.

The Best jokes about Couples

I feel bad for children of gay couples.

They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.

Why do some couples not go to the gym?

Some relationships don't work out...

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.


If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

I'm against lesbian couples adopting a child...

Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?

I went to a restaurant.

Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."

9 girls left their seats for me.

The worst part of gay couples adopting kids

The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.

What's a gay couples least favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe.


How can a room full of couples be empty?

There isn't a single person left!

Bwahahahahaha

Valentine's day

Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

Studies show that doggy is the most common sex style among married couples.

The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

It's normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

I think same gender couples should not be able to get kids.

No matter how good they are, having 2 dads forces the poor kids to deal with TWICE the dad jokes. Having 2 mom's isn't much better, they're all gonna end up in an "Ask your mom" loop


I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

Really? ,

one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.

Yes that's it, he exclaimed.

Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

Memory trick

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Three couples are eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant

They're early birds, and the only ones there. It's an American, an English and a Norwegian couple. The American says to his wife

"Can you send me the sugar, sugar?"

The Englishman overhears him, and, thinking he can't be any worse than an American, asks his wife

"Will you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Norwegian guy hears both of them and thinks for himself that he really has something to learn from these guys. So he turns to his wife and says

"Get me the milk, you cow!"

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.

Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"
"You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies.
"Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT!?"

Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."


"Did it work?" the other guy asks.


"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."


"What was the name of the school?"


Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"


"Rose?" the other man asks.


Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

Only men who wear the pants go to heaven.

I am translating this joke from Spanish so pardon any errors.

There is a terrible accident and 100 couples were killed. They find themselves in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter decides to divide the group into two and declares: "Every man who wore the pants in the relationship stand on the left line, and all the men who let their women boss you around stand on the right." Much to his surprise, 99 men stand on the right. St. Peter is very stunned and curious about the sole man standing on the left. He goes up to him and asks, "okay son, why are you in this line?" The man looks very frightened and he caves in, "I'm sorry, my wife told me to stand here."

How much sex do couples have?

Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."

After 10 years: "Try weekly."

After 30 years, "Try, weakly."

Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food.

Wedding Cake.

Put-the-fork-down and walk away...

COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

What's a married couples favorite sex position?

Doggy Style.
The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Guys I finally did that thing with my wife that only married couples can do!

We got our divorce!

The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland.

The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.

Two elderly couples are enjoying a visit

The men are in the living room, and the women are in the kitchen chatting over coffee.

One of the men says, "My wife and I had dinner at a new restaurant last night. It was excellent!"

"Oh!" says his friend. "What restaurant was it?"

The man thinks hard for a moment, then shakes his head. "I'm afraid my memory is just awful these days. What do you call that flower with a big red bloom that smells wonderful?"

"Rose?"

"That's it! HEY ROSE, WHAT RESTAURANT DID WE GO TO LAST NIGHT??"

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

A rich man and a poor man

There once was a rich man and a poor man. Each longed for love and a life to share with another special person. One day they both found just that. Come to find out however, they were each dating the other's sister.

So the rich man, being very protective of his little sister, organized a double date for the couples. While on the date, the rich man couldn't wait any longer and shouted to the poor man, "Anything you do to my sister, I do to your sister!" So the poor man thought for a minute. "Okay," he said and reached down in his pocket, pulled out a dollar and said, "Here sweetie, have my life savings."

A lot of couples get pregnant entirely by accident.

It's a pretty common misconception.

Old Couples in Love

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...

I'm sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, You like your family way more, you hate my relatives

I replied, That's not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine

A message to Christians who believe same-sex couples should not adopt:

Jesus had two dads and he turned out fine.

TIL that in 2015 Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald became one of the first ever same sex couples to get married in Ireland.

They're perfect for each other because Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

Old couples

An old man and his wife were driving through town, with the wife chattering away. Arriving downtown, the man had to navigate several turns to get to his destination. Suddenly he noticed flashing lights in his mirror and pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, "Mister, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car when you went around that turn back there?"

The man looked over at the passenger seat and saw that it was indeed empty and that the door was ajar. Turning back to the cop he said, "Thank goodness, I thought that I'd gone deaf!"

I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...

He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?

Two old couples have dinner together...

...and afterwards, the wives go into the kitchen to make coffee while the husbands sit chatting at the table.

"So, Frank, you been eating out at all?"

"Yeah, we went to a new restaurant last week--you'd love it!"

"Really? What is it called?"

"Oh, gosh, me and my memory...damn. You'll have to help me out...what is the name of that flower--you know--it's red and has thorns?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's it!" he says, turning to the kitchen. "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that place we ate last week?"

One day, I went to a cafe.

The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?

I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"

I noticed that few of the girls were staring at me!!

I continued to talk over mobile " Ohho!! That means she is dating with someone else, I think. You kow, I can see yor girlfriend with another person here in this cafe."

Can you guess, what happened?

Few of the girls left the cafe before my fake call ended!! Ha ha ha.

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, How many people here make love once a day? Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. Once a week? A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. Once a month? A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, OK, how about once a year?

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shockedβ€”this disproves his theory. If you make love only once a year, he asks, why are you so happy?

The man yells, Today's the day!

What do lesbian couples do when they're on their period?

Finger paint

Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day

And I have palm Sunday.

Financial statistics of gay couples.

I read a study recently that showed some gay couples are better off than straight couples, while other gay couples are worse off. For example, since men are the highest earning on average, two gay men cohabiting will have a higher combined wage than a hetero couple with one man and one woman. Two gay women will make the lowest combined earnings on average, which puts them in a worse position financially.

But then you've got to add on top of that how often they eat out...

A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school.

So usually at about 3:15

Why are fat couples always so close?

Gravity

Why do couples fight?

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started....

Two old couples are going for a walk.

The women are up ahead and the guys are about 50 feet behind them. One guy says "We went to a really nice restaurant last week. I wish I could remember the name of it. What's the name of that flower? Smells nice, has thorns on the stem."

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's it. ROSE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT?"

My favorite restaurant

I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.

I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"

Three couples got up and quickly left.

Irish Swingers

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

Why do redneck couples love to do it doggy-style?

That way they can both watch the Monster Trucks.

Two couples walk into a bar

Two couples walk into a bar

They order a Corona, two Hurricanes and a fireball.

The bartender tells them "Okay, that will be 20.20."

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

A Great Italian Place

Two elderly couples get together every Sunday night for dessert and coffee. One Sunday, while the wives are in the kitchen, the husbands are chatting about restaurants. "We found a lovely little Italian place in town" one husband says. "Delicious manicotti, great wines, just perfect."
"What is it called?" the other husband says. The first husband goes, "It was called...oh, my. I can't...it's called...oh, darn it. It's right on the tip of my tongue! Wait, okay, what's the name of the flower, you know...the pretty one with the thorns?"
"You mean a Rose?" the other husband says. "That's it!" the first husband says, and turns towards the kitchen. "ROSE! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT PLACE WE WENT TO?!!"

They just opened a sperm bank for gay couples.

You can get it by the buttload.

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy

always trying to leave each other, only to be brought back together by a third party

A recent survey has revealed that the favorite sex position is "Doggy Style"...

With married couples in mind, that's where the husband has to sit up and beg, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

What do midget skaters and couples with children have in common?

Mini-Vans

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes