Couples Inside Jokes

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in.
Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at s**... like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a s**... hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a s**... freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw s**... power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said e**....
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at s**....'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the s**... God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a s**... freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

A specimen, you ask?

So Mrs. O'Reilly, a dear old lady, hadn't been feeling too well lately, and she tells her husband, he tells her to give it a couple of days and if she still doesn't feel better, he'd take her to the doctor. A couple days pass, and dear old Mrs. O'Reilly isn't feeling any better so they make the trip to the hospital. The doctor gave Mrs. O'Reilly a full physical, checking anything that could be wrong but to no prevail, so he told her that he would need a specimen to be sure of what was making the old lady ill. Mrs. O'Reilly said okay and that she would return at her next appointment with the specimen. During the ride home, the car was silent between Mrs. O'Reilly and her husband until he finally asked what was wrong, she replied that the doctor would need a specimen, but she hadn't an idea what it was, her husband shrugged and said he hadn't the slightest, they agreed that Mrs. O'Reilly would ask their nice neighbor Ms. Thomas if she knew what it was when they got home. When they arrived, the husband went inside and Mrs. O'Reilly went over to Ms. Thomas' home. Mrs. O'Reilly returned about a half hour later, all beaten up, hair askew and winded, her husband asked her what happened, she replied "i knocked on the door, was let in and asked Ms. thomas is she knew what a specimen was, she replied, p**... in a bottle' to which i retorted s**... in a hat!' and the fight was on!"

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]
A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a p**... of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.
"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm completely new to this job and I'm a little worried as to what to do if I find passengers in a *delicate* state in their cabin, you see?"
The purser smiles and puts his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Ah", he says, "you just need to learn how to deal with such situations with a bit of dignity and blindness. I once knew a steward who walked in on a beautiful young woman completely n**... in the shower. Well, he just put the tray down on the side, said 'Excuse me, sir' and left without missing a beat. Do you see?"
The steward thinks for a moment and smiles "Yes, yes! That's very good that! I'll remember that!"
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" says the purser pointing out the still closed cabin door. "Get on with it, before that coffee gets cold"
The steward takes a deep breath, puffs out his chest, knocks and opens the door. Inside, he finds a newly wed couple on their honeymoon, in bed and very passionately engrossed in each other, and they clearly haven't noticed his arrival.
He hesitates before remembering what the purser told him, and decides to interrupt: "Hello there, which of you two fellahs takes sugar then?"

So there's this married couple...

They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling s**..., "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."
I'll be here all night

50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to s**....
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there n**... and n**...
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Latex gloves

A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you f**... every morning in bed. One day you're going to f**... your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.
4 months later...
It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.
15 minutes later...
Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.
10 minutes later...
Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would f**... my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

I love you, honey!

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

Found this on Facebook hope you like it.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

The escaped convict. :D (worth the read)

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

Escaped Convict Joke I Saw On Facebook.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

A man suspects his wife of cheating...

A man suspects his wife of cheating on him so he waits for her to leave that night and jumps in a taxi to follow her. He finds she's been working in a brothel.
The guy says to the taxi driver, "hey, wanna make £50?"
The taxi driver says, "sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy tells him all he has to do is go inside the brothel and grab his wife, put her in the back of the taxi and drive them both him. The taxi driver goes in.
A couple of minutes later the brothel door is kicked open; the driver is dragging a woman out who is k**..., biting, punching and fighting all the way to the taxi.
The driver opens the taxi door, pushes her in and tells the man, "here, hold her!"
The man looks at the woman and says to the driver, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The driver replies, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

A Convict Breaks out of Jail

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

A little boy walks in on his parents........

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**.... The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on.
-Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy.
The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it.
A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps.
-What's wrong buddy...why're you crying?
-My baby brother.
-What about him?
-The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud f**....
The wife says, one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.
A few months later it's thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts.
A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!