Couple Jokes
155 couple jokes and hilarious couple puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about couple that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of funny couple jokes, with double meaning, non veg, corny and Halloween couple jokes to laugh out and make your partner smile. Whether you are in a fight with your boyfriend or husband, or just need something funny to lighten the mood, these couple jokes are the perfect way to finally put a smile on your pair!
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Funniest Couple Short Jokes
Short couple jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The couple humour may include short twosome jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
- I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
- I've figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors. 1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is. - Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing. Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
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Couple One Liners
Which couple one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with couple? I can suggest the ones about girlfriend & boyfriend and bride and groom.
- Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...
- Maybe the pope just wants to finally get married.
Or settle down with a couple of kids. - I witnessed the break up of an obese couple I guess they didn't work out.
- What's a gay couples least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.
- I dated a couple of anorexic girls once. Two birds, one stone.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
- What do female reindeer do for fun? Go into town and blow a couple hundred bucks.
- How much did Harambe drink in the bar? Just a couple of shots
- I finally decided to play Fortnite. It's fun, but it gets boring after a couple of weeks
- If a blind couple breaks up... would they start hearing other people?
- What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception? Parents.
- I traded some deers in exchange of a car. This car costed me a couple of bucks.
- Why did the couple get married in Bangkok? Because they wanted to Thai the knot.
- A couple of geese fell down from the stairs. They got multiple goose bumps.
- Ever hear of the gay irish couple? Patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick
Married Couple Jokes
Here is a list of funny married couple jokes and even better married couple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
- The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland. The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.
- A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows... "Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
- Guys I finally did that thing with my wife that only married couples can do! We got our divorce!
- What do you call a married stormtrooper couple? Misster & Misses
- This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.
- A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them Two birds, one stone
- I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now... He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?
- An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!" - Fighting Couple A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"
Old Couple Jokes
Here is a list of funny old couple jokes and even better old couple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually
- My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today. So, that was a tense couple of years for me.
- A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"
- Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday Apparently one of them is going to be president
- It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.
- What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meter
From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days. - An old couple used to live across the street from the cemetery... Now they live across the street from their house.
- So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help We got it off her eventually
- A bad joke:- Why did the horse feel at home in front of an old couple? Because he found their relationship to be stable
- The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.
Elderly Couple Jokes
Here is a list of funny elderly couple jokes and even better elderly couple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday... Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
- Actual conversation between an elderly couple... "Norm, I only married you because of your sense of humor..."
"Dee, I only married you because of my sense of humor..." - MEANWHILE, an elderly couple. WIFE: I've just come from the beauty salon.
HUSBAND: Were they closed? - I walked into a movie and sat in the front row But the elderly couple behind me called the cops on some "burgler" and wouldn't shut up about it.
- [punchline challenge] So an elderly couple is going grocery shopping... The cashier notices something about what they're buying and asks:......
- An Elderly Couple were Watching TV They died.
Old Married Couple Jokes
Here is a list of funny old married couple jokes and even better old married couple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An 80 year old couple have been married for 54 years. It's a one-liner.
- Why did the old Jewish couple stay unhappily married for 50 years? Divorce proceedings cost money
Couple Comedy Jokes
Here is a list of funny couple comedy jokes and even better couple comedy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told a couple of 9/11 jokes at an American comedy club They went over about as well as I expected.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Couple Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about couple you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make couple pranks.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
Ray rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.
However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
When I was a kid...
... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having really rough s**... with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...
And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.
I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...
But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Korean couple are lying in bed...
When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy wants to know the difference between hypothetically and realistically
His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have s**... with somebody for a million dollars."
The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.
"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of w**...."
2 older couple were having breakfast
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
The king asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple have a lot of s**...
They challenge each other to see who can have the most s**... in a month. The woman wins.
Some say she cheated.
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
Today, I played God.
I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...
A couple was having a conversation, when...
...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A stork brings a baby to a couple...
...but a s**... takes one away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was about to smoke w**... with a couple cute Mexican girls...
I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.
Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..
Grandma's f**... herself again
Police: How'd you kill 30 people?
Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.
Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.
"How nice!" said the teacher.
"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
I can't remember the name of my favorite joke on here
It's fine though. I'm sure I'll see it in a couple hours.
Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer
Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.
A married couple has two beautiful children.
They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."
Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.
Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the t**... a couple times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.
He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.
They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
A guy walks into a bar
He sits down and orders a drink. After he finishes it, he takes out a picture and looks at it for a couple minutes before putting it away and ordering another drink. He repeats this a few times always looking at the picture in between drinks.
The bartender gets curious and says "Man I have to know, what picture are you looking at?"
The man says "Oh, it's just my wife. I don't go home until she's pretty!"
a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate
at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections
\*Professor grading my test\*
Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s**...?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
