Couple Fight Jokes
30 couple fight jokes and hilarious couple fight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about couple fight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Couple Fight Short Jokes
Short couple fight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The couple fight humour may include short husband wife fighting jokes also.
- If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
- Fighting Couple A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"
- A couple had a A couple had a fight one night,
Going to bed husband said,
Good night mother of my three kids,
Wife said,
Good night father of none. - I hate when couples fight in public And I show up halfway through, I'm totally lost and I don't know which side to pick.
- Before telephones were invented, fighting couples would actually make up over telegraph. But first they had to learn re-Morse code.
- Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
simple
it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
Share These Couple Fight Jokes With Friends
Couple Fight One Liners
Which couple fight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with couple fight? I can suggest the ones about couples inside and married couple.
- Just saw a couple of Arab princes having a fight. They were having a Sheik up
- The penguin couple got into another fight They really are on thin ice
Couple Fight Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about couple fight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean husband wife argument jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make couple fight pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple have set the words "phone call" if one want to have s**....
One day they have a fight and didn't talk.
The husband said to his kid " tell your mother I want to make a phone call"
The wife told him to tell his father "I don't have enough credit to make a call"
The husband told his kid to tell his wife he will make a phone call outside.
The wife told his kid to tell him " if you did that I will turn the house into a call center"
This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)
A couple is driving up to the mountains...
.. and they are in a huge fight. The man and woman are arguing loudly for so long they are tired out. The woman then feels that she should get the last word in, and so as they pass a pasture of cows she turns to her husband and asks "Relatives of yours?" The man replies "Yes, in-laws."
Why do couples fight?
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
Marriage Vows
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two older couple…
Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now she's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replied "I am so sorry to hear that, but normally we don't get involve in domestic situations." The old man replied "look a**... I don't need your help ok I just want you to send the maintenance guy up here to open the d**... window already."
In an all out fight between a married couple
The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!
The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!
A couple is fighting more than usual these last few years...
After each fight the wife goes directly to the bathroom and cleans it. Once they make up the husband ask the wife
Why do you clean the bathroom every time we fight?
The wife looks at her husband, it's not only soothing but I use your toothbrush to scrub the toilet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...
...and requests the bartender for two beers.
"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.
The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.
Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.
Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:
"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.
But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:
"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"
**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**
A man and his wife had a fight...
They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before he went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up, and he was shocked to see it had already been 9:00 AM, and therefore he had missed his flight. He was just about to go ask his wife why she hadn't woken him up, when he found a piece of paper on his beddrawer with the text: "It's 5:00 AM, wake up".
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A couple had fight
A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.
Heard this one over Christmas, I can only apologise.
Back in the pre-glasnost days a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man suspects his wife of cheating...
A man suspects his wife of cheating on him so he waits for her to leave that night and jumps in a taxi to follow her. He finds she's been working in a brothel.
The guy says to the taxi driver, "hey, wanna make £50?"
The taxi driver says, "sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy tells him all he has to do is go inside the brothel and grab his wife, put her in the back of the taxi and drive them both him. The taxi driver goes in.
A couple of minutes later the brothel door is kicked open; the driver is dragging a woman out who is k**..., biting, punching and fighting all the way to the taxi.
The driver opens the taxi door, pushes her in and tells the man, "here, hold her!"
The man looks at the woman and says to the driver, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The driver replies, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A specimen, you ask?
So Mrs. O'Reilly, a dear old lady, hadn't been feeling too well lately, and she tells her husband, he tells her to give it a couple of days and if she still doesn't feel better, he'd take her to the doctor. A couple days pass, and dear old Mrs. O'Reilly isn't feeling any better so they make the trip to the hospital. The doctor gave Mrs. O'Reilly a full physical, checking anything that could be wrong but to no prevail, so he told her that he would need a specimen to be sure of what was making the old lady ill. Mrs. O'Reilly said okay and that she would return at her next appointment with the specimen. During the ride home, the car was silent between Mrs. O'Reilly and her husband until he finally asked what was wrong, she replied that the doctor would need a specimen, but she hadn't an idea what it was, her husband shrugged and said he hadn't the slightest, they agreed that Mrs. O'Reilly would ask their nice neighbor Ms. Thomas if she knew what it was when they got home. When they arrived, the husband went inside and Mrs. O'Reilly went over to Ms. Thomas' home. Mrs. O'Reilly returned about a half hour later, all beaten up, hair askew and winded, her husband asked her what happened, she replied "i knocked on the door, was let in and asked Ms. thomas is she knew what a specimen was, she replied, p**... in a bottle' to which i retorted s**... in a hat!' and the fight was on!"
A Finnish Soldier...
In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"