county Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious county puns

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

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What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

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Why is Korea the greenest county in the world?

It's full of Parks.

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The old farmer said, Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a 'post tortoise' was.

The farmer said, When you're driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man's face so he continued to explain. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.

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I used to be a huge fan of tractors.

When I was younger I loved them in all shapes and sizes. This was until I went to the county fare when I was 10, and the farmer refused to let me sit in his tractor. I ran home and cried my eyes out, tore all the tractor posters off my wall and that was that.

11 years later standing in the doorway of a night club, surrounded by smokers my friend leans across to me and says:

This smoke is really unpleasant

I open my lungs, suck up all the smoke and exhale it far in the other direction.

He says: Wow, how did you do that?

To which I reply: I'm an ex-tractor fan

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An old man walks around town with his grandson...

"Today," he informs the young boy, "I will teach you about the hypocrisy of society."
"Look at the road before us," he went on. "I helped build this road, and many others in this county, when I was only 16. Yet no one calls me 'Road Builder,' 'Trail Maker,' or anything of the sort."
They went on, the old man pointing at variius houses as they went.
"See these houses? I led their construction, and the construction of many more, when I was but 23. Yet no one calls me 'House Maker' or 'Home Builder' or anything of the sort."
They continued walking, until they got to a bridge.
"Look here! I built this bridge myself when I was 30. I went on to build many other bridges in this county; yet no one calls me 'Bridge Builder' or 'Pontiff' or anything of the sort." At this, he turned, got close to the boys face, and spoke harshly:

"But you fuck ONE goat..."

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Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


by mid_nite_poet

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My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show

One of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

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A man walks into a bar...

...and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old Scottish guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man: "You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!" The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says: "but you fuck one sheep..."

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A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."

"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"

"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."

"Look here, do you have a suit?"

"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."

"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"

"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."

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The worst stash spot

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

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Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

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This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I"m from England."The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"The guy responds, "I"m a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It"s OK boys, he's one of us!"

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True meaning of Service.

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

* Internal Revenue Service
* Postal Service
* Telephone Service
* Civil Service
* City & County Public Service
* Customer Service
* Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

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Custer's Last Stand

At Big Horn County High School, the senior class is responsible for decorating the field for homecoming. This year, the principal decides that the theme should be "Custer's Last Stand."

So, homecoming comes around any the entire county is gathered at the stadium, watching the homecoming game. Half-time come around, and the decorating committee sets up a huge curtain that covers the entire field!

After some time, the curtain falls and the entire crowd is shocked. In the middle of the field, there is a giant pile of manure! On top of the manure, there is a halo. In a circle around the base of the manure pile, there are people dressed as Native Americans, and every one is in a different sexual position.

The principal is furious, and immediately runs up to the Senior Class president. "What the hell is this? This was supposed to be Custer's Last Stand!"

"It is! I call it Custer's last thought!"

"What?!"

"Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!"

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Two leprechaun men are going door to door...

To every monastery in every county. They reach the first monestary and knock on the door.

The first one says to the priest, "Father, do you have any leprechaun nuns here?"

The priest replies "no, sorry, I've never seen a leprechaun nun before"

They hear that same answer everywhere they go. They reach the last monestary in all of Ireland. They knock on the door.

The first one says to the priest Father, do you have any leprechaun nuns here?"

The priest replies "no, My child. There is no such thing as a leprechaun nun"

The second leprechaun turns to the first and says,

"See? I told ya you fucked a penguin"

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Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

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I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?

I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1

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The handsome horseman

A middle-aged woman moves to a new state, and quickly becomes part of a group of women like her. They invite her to go to the county fair with them, and she delightfully accepts.

At the fair, the group goes to see a horse-beauty pageant. At the pageant, they dreamily watch a tall and handsome man present all the horses.

The women in the group whisper eagerly to one another about the man.

"He's so muscular! And careful with the horses! But he's fucking beautiful."

"Look at that chiseled chin and sexy stubble! I'd ride him all night if he wasn't fucking radiant."

"I love the way that tight ass and big dick shows through those skinny jeans; he's sexy, but he's fucking gorgeous."

The new woman is confused by their statements about the man. Towards the end of the show, she asks, "Why wouldn't you want to date this man? Isn't it good that he is gorgeous, radiant, and beautiful?"

The women stare at her for a few seconds. A few of them laugh and shake their heads. When one is about to say something, the man grabs the microphone for the last time and says, "Thank you folks for coming! Please give a round of applause to my babies, Beautiful, Radiant, and Gorgeous!"

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Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

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A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 miles back. Everything was fine, then all of a sudden, he pulled out a gun and told me to pull off the road. He made me take off all my clothes. Then he tied me to this tree, and he drove off with my car, my clothes, my iPhone, and my wallet. I've been here for two hours with my ass sticking out toward the road, and no one stopped to help me."

The Sheriff unzipped his pants, hummed the first few bars of the banjo part from Deliverance, and said to the guy, "Well, I guess this ain't your lucky day."

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A tourist backpacking the highlands of Scotland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me McGregor the bar-builder? No!"

He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them just so, through the rain and the cold. But do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No!"

The old man points out the other window, "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank-by-plank. But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No!"

The old man looked down, took a swig from his mug,

and turned back to the tourist.

...


"But you fuck one goat.."

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The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa, there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern
down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You
reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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Did you hear about the farmer's daughter who was sent home from the county fair?

She couldn't keep her calves together.

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Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

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If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named?

Cause then there would be Nosex!

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A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

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Deputy Investigation goes Wrong.

WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation





A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.



He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'



The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'



The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,



"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"



The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.



Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.



The officer is clearly terrified.



The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....





"Your badge! Show him your F**king badge!"

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What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?

"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

"America"

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Bloom County

I used to read Bloom County (a comic strip).

Remember when they put Donald Trump's brain in Bill the Cat?

Who's laughing now.

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[NSFW] Guy: "Baby, I promise I'll pull out"

Girl: "No, you have to wear a condom."

Guy: "But I'm a Broward County Sheriff, we don't come inside."

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My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

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Definition of Service

I became confused when I heard the word
"Service" being used with these agencies:

1. Internal Revenue "Service"

2. U.S. Postal "Service"

3. Telephone "Service"

4. Cable T.V. "Service"

5. Civil "Service"

6. State, City, County & Public "Service"

7. Customer "Service"

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
"Service" a few cows.

……….BAM!.......It all came into focus for me.

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What are the most funny County jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about County? Well, here are the best County dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and County pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes