County Jokes

What are some County jokes?

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

Why is Korea the greenest county in the world?

It's full of Parks.

I used to be a huge fan of tractors.

When I was younger I loved them in all shapes and sizes. This was until I went to the county fare when I was 10, and the farmer refused to let me sit in his tractor. I ran home and cried my eyes out, tore all the tractor posters off my wall and that was that.

11 years later standing in the doorway of a night club, surrounded by smokers my friend leans across to me and says:

This smoke is really unpleasant

I open my lungs, suck up all the smoke and exhale it far in the other direction.

He says: Wow, how did you do that?

To which I reply: I'm an ex-tractor fan

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


by mid_nite_poet

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show

One of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."

"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"

"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."

"Look here, do you have a suit?"

"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."

"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"

"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."

The worst stash spot

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

True meaning of Service.

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

* Internal Revenue Service
* Postal Service
* Telephone Service
* Civil Service
* City & County Public Service
* Customer Service
* Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?

I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa, there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern
down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You
reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Did you hear about the farmer's daughter who was sent home from the county fair?

She couldn't keep her calves together.

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named?

Cause then there would be Nosex!

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Deputy Investigation goes Wrong.

WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation





A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.



He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'



The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'



The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,



"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"



The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.



Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.



The officer is clearly terrified.



The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....





"Your badge! Show him your F**king badge!"

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?

"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

"America"

Definition of Service

I became confused when I heard the word
"Service" being used with these agencies:

1. Internal Revenue "Service"

2. U.S. Postal "Service"

3. Telephone "Service"

4. Cable T.V. "Service"

5. Civil "Service"

6. State, City, County & Public "Service"

7. Customer "Service"

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
"Service" a few cows.

……….BAM!.......It all came into focus for me.

Bloom County

I used to read Bloom County (a comic strip).

Remember when they put Donald Trump's brain in Bill the Cat?

Who's laughing now.

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

[NSFW] Guy: "Baby, I promise I'll pull out"

Girl: "No, you have to wear a condom."

Guy: "But I'm a Broward County Sheriff, we don't come inside."

Why is Orange County so popular?

Because it has appeal.

...I'll see myself out.

A man driving down a county road one day

Sees a 3 legged chicken running next to him.
He thinks to himself "I'm doing 25 mph and this chicken is keeping up!, crazy!!"

He speeds up to 50 mph and still the chicken is keeping up with him.
Up to 60 mph! The chicken is keeping up!

The chicken breaks into a sprint, gets way
ahead of him but he sees him take a hard left turn into a long drive way.

Dude turns into the country drive and an old woman is standing outside...

"I just saw a 3 legged chicken running 60mph!, he turned and came in here."

"Oh yeah, that's one of ours?!...we breed em that way, we love chicken legs"

"How do they taste?"



"I don't know, we ain't never caught one!"

Her: I want to be safe so you have to wear a condom

Him: Don't worry, I'm a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there's no chance I'll come inside.

Why wouldn't the farmer let her prize winning cows smoke weed before the county fair?

The steaks were too high.

As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,

Unlike Clark County, Washington

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...

...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

What do a female musician and an elected head of the county police have in common?

She riff.

Went to the County Fair with my SO, but the Tunnel of Love was closed

Not sure what happened, the sign just said "Out of Ardor"

Some how my friend managed to send me a photo of himself from the county jail....

a cellfie..

I'm not saying the rural county I live in is full of hicks but instead of Uber

We have Goober

If there are four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving?

The county sheriff.

I became an outlaw yesterday by making a joke at anothers expense.

There was a county wide burn ban.

Where do Republicans go to lose their virginity?

The county fair

SNL Gold: Domestic Violence

A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you'd be mad too if he was jalpeno business.

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said… my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly say, "had him circumcised."

What is a cannibal's favorite food at the county fair?

Chili con Carny.

How to make County jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about County to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about County? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny County pick up lines to share with friends.

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