countryside Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious countryside puns

Nun joke

Two nuns were bicycling down an old dirt road on the countryside. One nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

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What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

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A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"

The man replied:

"In-laws."

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A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside...

They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"

Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law."

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Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

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Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!"

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A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'

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A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.

The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."

The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."

Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."

City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."

Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."

City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."

Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some sex, too."

City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"

Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."

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(Racist) So this Bus is travelling down a countryside highway full of passengers....

Most of the passengers are tired and fast asleep. Suddenly they are awakened by a big jolt and they find that the bus has come off the highway and is now driving through the fields. All the passengers hold on for dear life as the bus is just bouncing its way through the fields. Eventually the bus does get back onto the highway and stops. All the passengers are relieved that no one was hurt. Thinking that the driver might have nodded off to sleep while driving, an angry bunch gets hold him and ask him about what happened.

The Driver says "Now hold on folks, there was nothing I could do....I was driving along the highway and suddenly a black man just ran onto the road in front of the bus....I had to do something."

"You fool", shouted one of the passengers "You put all our lives in danger just to save that one man, you should have run him over"

The driver says "Guys, that's what I was trying to do....but he ran off into the fields"

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The grade three teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence and little johnny put's up his hand...

"Yes Johnny?"

"Well miss, my dad actually used that word on the weekend. We were driving out in the countryside when we got stuck behind a pumpkin truck full of pumpkins. When my dad tried to pass him he sped up, so when we got to a roadside diner we stopped for lunch.

"Later on, we found the pumpkin truck further up the road on its side with pumpkins all over the road and my dad said:

"It's gonna take that contagious to pick them all up!"

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I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

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So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.

Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man

"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"

"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"

"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"

"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"

"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."

"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital sex tends to happen too."

bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?

"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"

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Another blonde joke.

A blonde has her hair dyed brown. A few days later she's out driving through the countryside when she stops her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she says to the shepherd, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one? The shepherd agrees, so the blonde thinks for a moment and says, 352. The shepherd is amazed, You're right! Which sheep do you want? The blonde picks the cutest animal. The shepherd says to her, Okay. How's this for a bet? If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?

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Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside

when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."

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Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".

The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Two nuns are driving through the countryside, when a vampire jumps onto the roof of their car.

The nun driving says to the passenger, "Roll down the window and show him your cross!"

The other nun rolls down the window, leans out and shouts "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR CAR!"

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THE IRISH MIRROR

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

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Dirty joke!! -being a perv is what I do-

So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."

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One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Politicians

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer. "Were they all dead? " The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "

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Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.

The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.

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it was nothing

A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside when the son spots a horse with a huge errection raging between its legs.

"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks
The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"

The boy isn't too pleased with this answer though, and a few days later he happens to be walking past the same field again, but this time he's with his dad. Again, the horse has a ginormous errection.

"Daddy, what's that thing between that horses legs there?" the boy asks again.
"That, my son, is his penis"

"Huh. When i asked Mommy she said it was nothing"

"Yeah, but she's been spoiled"

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Barak Obama was touring the countryside...

... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.

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The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back home, however, he decides to take a rest under a nearby tree.



Meanwhile, a woman driving on the road below sees the sleeping Scotsman and asked herself life's biggest question: "*Do* the Scottish wear anything under their kilts?" Curiosity getting the better of her, she pulls her car over to the side of the road and sneaks her way up to the sleeping Scotsman. She carefully picks up the front of the Scotsman's kilt and sees, in fact, they do not wear anything underneath. Feeling embarrassed and guilty, the woman sees some nearby stakes in the ground with red and blue ribbons tied to the tops of them, being used as markers for a nearby construction site. The woman takes one of these ribbons and ties it snuggly to the Scotsman's wiener to signify that someone was there.



Later, the Scotsman awakes and feels a tug under his kilt. He lifts it up and sees a blue ribbon tied tight around his piece. Upon seeing this, the Scotsman shouts:



"I don't know where ye been or what ye did, but you won first prize!"

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Tiger's balls

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

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We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said…

"Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."

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A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside,

when the son spots a horse with a huge erection raging between its legs.
"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks
The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"
The boy isn't too pleased with this answer though, and a few days later he happens to be walking past the same field again, but this time he's with his dad. Again, the horse has a ginormous erection.
"Daddy, what's that thing between that horses legs there?" the boy asks again.
"That, my son, is his penis"
"Huh. When I asked Mommy she said it was nothing"
"Yeah, but she's been spoiled"

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My son and I were driving along the countryside.

He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"

"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.

"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.

I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."

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Man at a bar

A young man was walking through the Irish countryside when he saw a bar and decided to go in and have a beer.

He got in and sat down next to an old man and ordered a beer.

The old man turns to him and says, "Son, do you know who I am?"
The young man says, "No, who are you?"
"My name is Mick McFinnigan, and you did you see that windmill on the way into the bar? I built that with my own two hands, stone by stone over 3 years all by myself. But no one calls me McFinnigan the Windmill Builder.

I also built that deck by the water, plank by plank, 1 year. But they don't call me McFinnigan the Deck Builder.

I also built the Lighthouse that everyone uses to make sure they aren't lost coming into shore, that one took me 4 years. They don't call me McFinnigan the Lighthouse Man. But you fuck ONE goat....

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Elephant ambiguity

A circus train derailed in a very rural area and several animals escaped throughout the countryside. An elephant wandered into an elderly lady's garden and began eating her vegetables. She looked out from inside her house and saw the animal. Being nearsighted and never having seen an elephant, she phoned the sheriff and exclaimed "Sheriff, sheriff, come quick; there is some kind of critter in my garden, it is bigger than my toolshed, and it is pulling up my turnips with its tail!". The sheriff replied,"Pulling turnips up with its tail? What is it doing with them?" The old lady squinted through the window and reluctantly replied, "Sheriff, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me!

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A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says pardon me, sir, but what's your secret to long life?

The man says I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate milk for breakfast and eat burgers for lunch and dinner, and I wash it all down with a swig of hard liquor .

Wow! exclaims the scientist. Exactly how old are you?

26.

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Two nuns are out riding their bicycles..

Two nuns are out in the countryside riding ow their bicycles.

The first nun suggested that they take a shortcut.

A few minutes later the second one says: "I've never come this way before."

The first one replies: "Oh, I guess it must be the cobblestones."

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar on the countryside

and he orders a beer. Soon he spots a sign saying "make our depressed horse laugh, get 500 dollars."
The man asks the barman if it's true. The barman confirms. After which the man decides to give it a go and is pointed to the stables behind the bar by the barman. And sure enough; after a little while the barman and patrons hear enormous, loud, uncontrollable horse laughter coming from the stables. Soon after the man returns and claims his 500 dollars and leaves.

A week orso later the man returns for a drink and can hear the horse laughter, even before entering the bar. It's still maniacal, uncontrollable laughter as it was the week before. He instantly spots the new sign by the bar saying "stop our insane horse from laughing, get 500 dollars."
He asks the barman who points out they now think the horse has borderline or some other emotional dysfunction. But they are sick and tired of the constant laughter. The man once more offers his service and is pointed to the stables.
And sure enough...after a few minutes the barman and patrons hear uncontrollable cries and weeping coming from the stables as the man reruns, oncemore claiming 500 dollars.

The barman gives it to him and ask: "He's obviously sad now...what the hell did you do?"
The man answers: "Last week I told him my penis was larger than his. This week I showed him."

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What are the most funny Countryside jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Countryside? Well, here are the best Countryside dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Countryside pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes