Countryside Jokes
46 countryside jokes and hilarious countryside puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about countryside that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Countryside Short Jokes
Short countryside jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The countryside humour may include short rural jokes also.
- The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
- Nun joke Two nuns were bicycling down an old dirt road on the countryside. One nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
- What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law." - I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..." - We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said… "Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."
- What do you call a critical horse? A nay-sayer.
Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside. - I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?" ...Then I remembered I was on drugs.
- What's the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a run in the countryside? One's a pant in the country.
The other's a c××t in the pantry. - "Don't you think it's weird that Italian guy just backpacks through the countryside?" "Nah, he's just a'roman"
Share These Countryside Jokes With Friends
Countryside One Liners
Which countryside one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with countryside? I can suggest the ones about village and farmhouse.
- Why aren't there metro systems in the countryside? There are already enough terrains.
- Whats the definition of countryside? Murdering Piers Morgan
- Stephen Fry's definition of 'countryside' To kill Piers Morgan.
Hilarious Fun Countryside Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about countryside you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wilderness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make countryside pranks.
Dirty joke!! -being a p**... is what I do-
So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."
Village Atheist
In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.
They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.
The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.
An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..
...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."
The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."
At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.
The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.
The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.
The Polish guy was last, and being no d**..., he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"
My cell phone is so nervous whenever I go to the countryside...
...it's constantly on EDGE.
One for all of us country folks
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the c**..., then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."
Two nuns are out riding their bicycles..
Two nuns are out in the countryside riding ow their bicycles.
The first nun suggested that they take a shortcut.
A few minutes later the second one says: "I've never come this way before."
The first one replies: "Oh, I guess it must be the cobblestones."
So a city boy moves to the country.
Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Politicians
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible c**... and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer. "Were they all dead? " The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "
What do you call it when a dragon plants fields of wildflowers?
GERMINATING THE COUNTRYSIDE!
A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...
...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.
A city slicker moves to the countryside...
... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.
The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."
The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."
Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."
City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."
Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."
City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."
Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some s**..., too."
City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"
Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."
Define "Countryside".
The m**... of Piers Morgan
(Credit to the always amazing Stephen Fry.)
My son and I were driving along the countryside.
He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"
"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.
"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.
I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."
Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside
when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."
I was walking in the countryside.
I asked a wind generator what kind of music it liked. It was a big metal fan.
Bob walks into a metal bar...
... and he says, "Ow!" because his ears were not able to handle the intensity of the music due to Bob being secluded in the countryside his entire life.
A couple got into an argument...
A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:
"In-laws."
Have you seen Bobbed Wa?
if you haven't and are curious, drive in the countryside and i'm sure you'll see some, eventually.
A man moves out to the countryside.
A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.
While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.
The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.
These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until one day the neighbor says:
Neighbor: hey I'm having a little party tonight if you want to stop by.
Sure, sounds fun. What time?
Oh around 9 or so. There will be lots of drinking, probably some fighting, and if we're lucky, maybe even some s**... too!!
Wow sounds like a blast, who's going to be there?
Oh just me, you and maybe hank from down the road
Deaf Man Steals Chicken
There once was a deaf man named Jeff who lived in the countryside. He had this neighbor, Brad, who raised some chickens in his front yard.
One day, Jeff was was walking by his neighbor's house and saw one fat juicy chicken that caught his eye. Seeing that there was no one around, Jeff stole the chicken and made himself a delicious roasted chicken that night.
Next morning, when he saw his neighbor, Brad, the following conversation took place:
Brad: Howdy neighbor !
Jeff: WHAT f**... CHICKEN ??
The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...
So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farmer.
He points to the pastor. "Him, not running, I get it. I cant hurt him here. But you? What gives? Why aren't you scared of me?"
The farmer gives him a lazy look, spits out a bit of straw casually and says, 'Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for forty years."
A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...
There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.
The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable so got out and asked the boy again if he was sure there were no sharks.
The boy, looking at the couple, a little irritated now, said: Believe me, Sharks don't come where there are Crocodiles.
A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.
Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look s**.... If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**...!
Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...
Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.
The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.
After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:
"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."
A North Korean go to Poland...
Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.
He meet a farmer that ask him :
"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)
And Kim reply :
"No, Kim Jong Un."
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..
so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed," and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
"What is it now?" demanded the head.
"Could we speak to George this time please?" asked on the the hikers.
Man gets lost in the countryside
Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l
No one expects it!
A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he explains. The man agrees to it, and he's led into the bar, whereupon sits a healthy sized hen. He proceeds to have a battle of wits, and is roundly defeated by the hen. "I didn't expect the chicken to be so smart!" says the man. "No," says the innkeeper, "no one expects the Spanish inn quiz wish hen!"
