Countryside Jokes
46 countryside jokes and hilarious countryside puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about countryside that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Countryside Short Jokes
Short countryside jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The countryside humour may include short rural jokes also.
- The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
- What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law." - I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..." - We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said… "Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."
- What do you call a critical horse? A nay-sayer.
Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside. - I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?" ...Then I remembered I was on drugs.
- Have you seen Bobbed Wa? if you haven't and are curious, drive in the countryside and i'm sure you'll see some, eventually.
- Bob walks into a metal bar... ... and he says, "Ow!" because his ears were not able to handle the intensity of the music due to Bob being secluded in the countryside his entire life.
- Patricide - Murdering ones father, Matricide - Murdering ones mother... ... then explain countryside
Share These Countryside Jokes With Friends
Countryside One Liners
Which countryside one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with countryside? I can suggest the ones about village and farmhouse.
- Why aren't there metro systems in the countryside? There are already enough terrains.
- Whats the definition of countryside? Murdering Piers Morgan
- Stephen Fry's definition of 'countryside' To kill Piers Morgan.
Hilarious Fun Countryside Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about countryside you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wilderness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make countryside pranks.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
He tells to the shepherd: "I will bet you 100 € against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
Says "OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal."
Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
Man says sure.
"You are an economist for a government think tank" says the shepherd.
"You are exactly right!" responds the man, "but tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down the dog and I will tell you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dirty joke!! -being a p**... is what I do-
So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."
Village Atheist
In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.
They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.
The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One for all of us country folks
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the c**..., then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a city boy moves to the country.
Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"
The Sleeping Scotsman
A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.
"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"
Before trying to trek his way back home, however, he decides to take a rest under a nearby tree.
Meanwhile, a woman driving on the road below sees the sleeping Scotsman and asked herself life's biggest question: "*Do* the Scottish wear anything under their kilts?" Curiosity getting the better of her, she pulls her car over to the side of the road and sneaks her way up to the sleeping Scotsman. She carefully picks up the front of the Scotsman's kilt and sees, in fact, they do not wear anything underneath. Feeling embarrassed and guilty, the woman sees some nearby stakes in the ground with red and blue ribbons tied to the tops of them, being used as markers for a nearby construction site. The woman takes one of these ribbons and ties it snuggly to the Scotsman's wiener to signify that someone was there.
Later, the Scotsman awakes and feels a tug under his kilt. He lifts it up and sees a blue ribbon tied tight around his piece. Upon seeing this, the Scotsman shouts:
"I don't know where ye been or what ye did, but you won first prize!"
Countryside Perspective
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town," said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Barak Obama was touring the countryside...
... in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.
Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the j**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politicians
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible c**... and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer. "Were they all dead? " The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...
...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.
The hiker and the shepherd.
A hiker is walking through the countryside, and he sees a shepherd with a flock of sheeps.
He asks the shepherd:
- Hey, good friend! How much wool do the sheeps give?
- The white ones or the black ones?
Confused, the hiker says:
- The white ones...
- About 7 kilos of wool per season.
- And the black ones?
- They too, they too.
- And how much milk do the sheeps give?
- The white ones or the black ones?
- ... the white ones.
- About three liters per week.
- And the black ones?
- They too, they too.
The hiker is starting to feel annoyed by the shepherd and says to him:
- Why do you always answer me with "the white ones or the black ones"
whenever I ask you about your sheeps?
- Well, sir. Because the white ones are mine.
- Ahhhh... and the black ones?
- They too, they too.
(I hope it makes sense. English it's not my first language and I tried to translate it as accurate as possible).
Irish immigration
A married couple arrive in Ireland by way of car-ferry, and are just about to drive off into the Irish countryside, when an immigration officer stops them. "Now wait just a minute" says the officer. "You're driving an Audi Quattro. I know Quattro means four - so where are the other two people?"
The driver looks confused, and says "What do you mean? There's only us two."
The officer says "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Quattro means four. You're supposed to have four people in this vehicle."
After some back-and-forth, the driver has had enough, and finally says "Look, this is silly. It's just the two of us. Can I speak to your superior?"
"I'd let you talk to him" says the Irish immigration officer. "But he's busy over there, dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A city slicker moves to the countryside...
... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.
The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."
The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."
Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."
City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."
Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."
City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."
Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some s**..., too."
City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"
Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."
My son and I were driving along the countryside.
He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"
"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.
"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.
I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."
Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside
when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."
A couple got into an argument...
A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:
"In-laws."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Don't you think it's weird that Italian guy just backpacks through the countryside?"
"Nah, he's just a'roman"
I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.
He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my gorgeous wife".
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my wife."
"Oh, is she a stunner too?", He asked.
"No, she's an optician." I replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a run in the countryside?
One's a pant in the country.
The other's a c××t in the pantry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man moves out to the countryside.
A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.
While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.
The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.
These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until one day the neighbor says:
Neighbor: hey I'm having a little party tonight if you want to stop by.
Sure, sounds fun. What time?
Oh around 9 or so. There will be lots of drinking, probably some fighting, and if we're lucky, maybe even some s**... too!!
Wow sounds like a blast, who's going to be there?
Oh just me, you and maybe hank from down the road
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Deaf Man Steals Chicken
There once was a deaf man named Jeff who lived in the countryside. He had this neighbor, Brad, who raised some chickens in his front yard.
One day, Jeff was was walking by his neighbor's house and saw one fat juicy chicken that caught his eye. Seeing that there was no one around, Jeff stole the chicken and made himself a delicious roasted chicken that night.
Next morning, when he saw his neighbor, Brad, the following conversation took place:
Brad: Howdy neighbor !
Jeff: WHAT f**... CHICKEN ??
A man and his daughter are traveling through the countryside.
The man and his daughter are riding on a horse powered wagon with $10,000 on board. Suddenly a mugger runs up to them and says ,"Give me everything!". As the man and daughter watches the mugger ride off with their belongings, the man says, "Dang, there goes my $10,000" when his daughter taps him on the shoulder and says "Look pa, I managed to hide your money in my mouth! It's right here!". "Goly!" says the man. "If only your ma was here, we could have saved the House and wagon too!"
A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....
...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.
The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we have to stop..."
"Why?" asked the knight
The woman replied..."Because I'm on my Minstrel cycle..."
The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...
So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farmer.
He points to the pastor. "Him, not running, I get it. I cant hurt him here. But you? What gives? Why aren't you scared of me?"
The farmer gives him a lazy look, spits out a bit of straw casually and says, 'Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for forty years."
A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...
There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.
The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable so got out and asked the boy again if he was sure there were no sharks.
The boy, looking at the couple, a little irritated now, said: Believe me, Sharks don't come where there are Crocodiles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.
Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look s**.... If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**...!
Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...
Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.
The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.
After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:
"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."
A North Korean go to Poland...
Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.
He meet a farmer that ask him :
"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)
And Kim reply :
"No, Kim Jong Un."
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..
so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed," and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
"What is it now?" demanded the head.
"Could we speak to George this time please?" asked on the the hikers.
Man gets lost in the countryside
Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l
No one expects it!
A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he explains. The man agrees to it, and he's led into the bar, whereupon sits a healthy sized hen. He proceeds to have a battle of wits, and is roundly defeated by the hen. "I didn't expect the chicken to be so smart!" says the man. "No," says the innkeeper, "no one expects the Spanish inn quiz wish hen!"
