Countries Jokes

What are some Countries jokes?

Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries....

A son walks up to his dad

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

There are two types of countries,

Those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.

In the past, empires were ruled by emperors, then kingdoms were ruled by kings.

Now we have countries.

What are the two types of weather in Islamic countries?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Four kids walk into an interview...

Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars....

...just a lot of countries that are FINE.

I heard someone compare African countries to trashcans

I don't think that's a good comparison. My trashcan has food in it.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

There are two types of countries in the world....

Those who use the Metric System....

And those who have been to the Moon.

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...

...and they eventually got to the topic of sex. The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of sex!"

Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented sex with women!"

Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

There used to be great empires, ruled by Emperors, then there were Kingdoms ruled by Kings...

Now all we have is a bunch of countries....

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

Wars would be obsolete if women ruled the world

There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.

There are two kinds of countries

Those who use the metric system, and those who have their flag on the moon.

An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

An American and an Iranian meet at a bar.

The two begin to talk about themselves and their countries and find they have a lot in common. The American finally says, "Your country sounds wonderful, but there's on thing that bothers me. In America, if we want to, we can write a letter to the president of the United States that says, 'President Obama, I think you're running America wrong', but in Iran you can't do that."

The Iranian replies, "That's not true at all, just last week my cousin wrote a letter to our president that read, 'President Ahmadinejad, I think President Obama is running America wrong!'".

Did you know that dogs have certain accents based on the countries their from?

For example, in Korea, they make a sizzling noise

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries.

They decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth....

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth. They both want control of the earth, so they come up with this plan. They will have a dog fight in five years; what ever country wins this dog fight gets control of the earth. So the Russians ,having control of Europe, take the biggest, meanest Siberian wolfs and German shepards and breed them over and over until they get the perfect batch of pups. Then they train them make them mean and then breed them using new enhancement technologies. This goes on and on until the event comes then they pick they're biggest, meanest, and strongest pup at prime age. They go to the event and U.S. shows up with this 30ft long Doxen Terrier. The match begins and this Doxen just rips the Russians dog into pieces. The Russians are dumbfounded they can't figure out how this happened. So they go ask the head U.S. dog official "How did you beat us? We spent 5 years training the biggest meanest dogs we could find and our most advanced using enhancement technologies. Then we come here and your dog rips ours apart in no more than 30 seconds. The U.S. official laughs and says "Thats funny we spent 2 and a half years using our best plastic surgeons trying to get a crocodile to look like a dog!"

An Arab needed a heart transplant

, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

A professor of a class... giving a lecture to a very diverse group of students: an African student, a Haitian student, a Chinese student, and an American student. He says to the class, "Today we are going to have an open discussion about the relief of world hunger in other countries."

The African student says, "Hunger? What's that?"

The Haitian student says, "Relief? What's that?"

The Chinese student says "Open discussion? What's that?"

The American student says "There are other countries?"

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"

And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5 and Portugal, true to its *showoff* image, got 10.

After one hour, in Germany, 100 hundred thieves got caught. In France more than 250 thieves got caught. In Greece more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.

I feel really bad for kids in third world countries...

They have to go through puberty and their mid-life crisis at the same time.

Reagan's Soviet Joke

(All credit goes to Ron)

An American and a Russian are talking about their countries. The American starts to brag; "In my country, I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my fist on the president's desk, and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country!"

The russian appears unimpressed and says "We can do that in my country." The American says "Really?" Mhm." says the Russian. "I can walk right into the Kremlin, slam my fist on Gorbachev's desk and say "I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country."

What do you call a war between African countries

A third world war.

I've spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don't go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchmen and a Japanese man sitting at a bar.

They were all in good spirits, complimenting each others countries and their achievements. But they also pointed out the strange customs too.

It was the Englishman and the Frenchman who spoke first about Japan. They said, "Japan is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat seaweed!"

Then it was the Englishman and the Japanese man who spoke about France. They said, "France is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat frogs legs!"

Finally, the Japanese man and the Frenchman spoke about England. They said, "England is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat English food!"

The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

So, God goes to different countries asking if they're interested in his commandments.

First, he tried the French. He said:
"Would you be interested in commandments?"
The French replied "what's in 'em?"
God said "Well, one is that you shall not commit adultery"
and the French said "no thanks."

Next God tried the Romanians. He asked if they would be interested in some commandments, to which the Romanians replied,
"what's in them?"
God said "well, one says you shall not steal..."
the Romanians say "no thanks."

Next, God tried Israel. He said, "do you want some commandments?"
They immediately said "how much?"
God said, "well, they're free, but you will hav-"
"We'll take ten!"

TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men.

That is that they both equally don't have any.

Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list

A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.

Post Jokes About Americans

As an American, I've heard a lot about other countries. I recently heard one about Americans and it's got me wondering what else is out there. The Joke:

An American walks into a London pub.

A local notices and says, "Oi, look! An American! You know, if there's one thing I like about you Americans, it's your ability to appreciate irony!"

To which the American says, "Hey, thanks!"

So a teacher asks his class the question...

"What's your opinion on donating food to foreign countries?" The African student says, "What's food?" The Indian student says, "What's donating?" The American student says, " What's foreign countries?" And the Chinese student says, "What's my opinion?"

They said Brexit would let us get closer to non-EU countries.

They were right, we now have more in common with Zimbabwe than ever before.

A Dutchman and German man were sat next to one another on an aeroplane.

The German took off his shoes and then stood up to get a drink. He asked the Dutchman if he would like him to fetch him a cola too. The Dutchman said that would be very nice. While the German man was getting the drinks, the Dutchman spat into his shoes. Towards the end of the flight, the German put his shoes back on and then realised what the Dutch man had done. He said to him 'Why do we always have this hostility between our two countries? …Spitting in one another's shoes and weeing in each other's drinks!!'

Budgeting costs

The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia.

The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid was for $2 million. So, the project director brings them in, to question them why there was such substantial difference. The Germans explained that German engineering produces higher quality products, unlike the Chinese who create buggy software.

The Russians had bid $3 million. Well, they got brought in as well, and were told that the Chinese had bid $1 million and the Germans $2 million, and asked why was their bid so much more.

The Russian representative says: It's $1 million for you, $1 million for us and $1 million for the Chinese.

Memes have come a long way since they appeared on the internet.

They used to be funny pictures you sent to your friends, now they lead countries.

Let's stop calling countries shitholes...

And start calling them Turd-world nations.

A man said, "Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married."

His dad replied, that is true in all countries.

(Ukrainian joke). Leaders of three countries discuss their economies and taxes.

US President says: we tax our people at roughly 30%, and what they do with the rest, is not of my business
UK prime minister says: we tax our people at 50%, and what they do with the rest is none of my business.
Ukrainian president says: we tax our people at 130%, and where they get the rest, is none of my business

This is a joke from the 1990s.

If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you...

If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.

They walk in the bar

A bartender is working at an upscale bar downtown when all of the sudden, an Englishman, a Dane, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian, an American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Peruvian, a Brazilian, a Colombian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Korean, 29 different Africans from all different African countries, and an Indian all walk in to the bar.

And the bartender says to them, sorry gentlemen, but you can't come here without a Thai.

^thanks ^SnW

Europeans: What's a good American joke in your country?

On the heels of the funny Italian joke ("Emma comes first …") what jokes do other countries tell about Americans?

More than half of $2.6bn (Β£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

Muslim countries would do so well if the Olympic were during ramadan.

Because they really fast

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

What's the difference between Chamberlain and Hitler?

Chamberlain takes weekends in the country while Hitler takes countries in the weekend.

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

A teacher at an international school...

asks her class what their opinion is on giving food to people in other countries.
The Jewish kid asks "What is giving?"
The African kid asks "What is food?"
The Chinese kid asks "What is my opinion?"
And the American kid asks "What are other countries?"

How can Finland be one of the happiest countries in the world with such a high suicide rate?

All the miserable people kill themselves

There are two types of countries on this planet

ones that use the metric system and the one that got to the moon

Roger Federer was doing an interview...

... when the interviewer asked him how he felt about his countries flag being displayed by so many of his fans in the arena he replied

"Well, it's a big plus"

Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive.

They can't do it here either.

My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry.

Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America?

In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem.

Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common.

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?

Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, "Well that's a little condescending."

How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.

France and Italy declare war...

France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.

UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's other countries ...?"
European kids: "what's shortage ...?"
Africa kids: "what's food ...?"
Chinese kids: "what's my opinion ...?"

I feel like I've eaten three countries!

...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.

How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2?

Norse code

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00:00:03

Wife to Husband 14 Missed Calls

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages?

He was a man of many cultures.

If I were to tell you that we might go to war with friendly countries soon, well...


I don't know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

For all those people that didn't know that some Latin American countries don't primarily speak Spanish...

You better Belize it.

How to make Countries jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Countries to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Countries? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Countries pick up lines to share with friends.

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