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Counting Money Jokes

31 counting money jokes and hilarious counting money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about counting money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Counting Money Jokes

Short counting money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The counting money humour may include short finding money jokes also.

  1. Lazy thieves They were two thieves so lazy that they robbed a bank and in order not to count the money, they waited for the evening news to find out how much they had stolen.
  2. How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money? By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".
  3. He's so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn't even count the money. He'd just wait to find out in the news report.
  4. What did Nike say to the guy who threatened to burn his shoes? Nothing. They're too busy counting his money.
  5. What happened to the Baron who spent all of the kingdom's money? He was called to a count to explain his actions.
  6. Bill Gates be like: Hi,my name is Bill Gates, Let me teach you how to count:
    1, 2, 3, 95, NT, 200, XP, VISTA, 7, 8, 10
    Now give me money.
  7. I learned that banks have money counters at every station... I guess you can always count on them
  8. How do Mexicans count money? Juan...
    Tu....
    Anoder Juan....
    Anoder Juan.....
    Anoder Juan...
  9. Pimps don't count their own money. They have their h**... do it for them. It's the thot that counts.

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about counting money can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of counting money puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Counting Money One Liners

Which counting money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with counting money? I can suggest the ones about spending money and pocket money.

  1. How do fish bankers count their money? With scales.
  2. A Jew found some money He counted it and some was missing
  3. Why did the p**... put his h**... in charge of his money? It's the thot that counts.

Counting Money Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about counting money you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean money collection jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make counting money prank.

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large b**... or small b**...?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.

A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...

The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was for 50.
The Apiarist replied: >!that's a free-bee!<

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

Yale educated

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your financial education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" barked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

Once there was a mathematician

Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a p**.... She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

Wife and i need a vacation.

So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have s**... we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished w**... for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that's just g**.......

The Vampire from Sesame Street decided to buy everyone gifts with money he earned through s**... work.

The gifts were really bad but everyone was appreciative because after all,
It's the thot that Counts!
I made up this joke. Hope you like it :)

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"
This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or h**... blast him.
"Woah woah," says the robber, "calm down I won't hurt you I just want to grab some money. Can you tell me what department you work in?" Mario cracks a smile, racks a shell into the chamber and says, "I'm a-counting."

Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money, and looks up.
"Very well comrade, you are approved and are put on the list. In 10 years you will come in to accept delivery."
The man says "thank you comrade, but will that be morning or afternoon?"
The official, somewhat shocked, says "who cares? Its 10 years from now."
The man explains "well, the plumber's coming in the morning..."

The Loan

Bob lent Bill $1000. Today Bill arrives at Bob's door. It's 10 am on a Saturday. Bob's wife answers wearing only a bra and p**.... Bill looks her up and down and says, if you drop your top I will give you $250 in cash. She pauses for a moment to think it through and whips it off. Bill counts out $250 and gives it to her. Then he says, drop your p**... and I will give you $750. She pauses again and then drops them. Bill gives her the money and leaves. Bob asks, who was that? She answers Bill. Bob says, oh did he return my $1000?

*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman.
The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, hung from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the k**....
The boy confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens... the genie comes out and says "sorry, I'm all out of wishes".
The boy says, OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday? The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.

The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?

"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these counting money jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.