counted Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious counted stories

What are the best Counted puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Counted? Well here is a complete list of Counted dad jokes:

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

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Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

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Blonde schoolgirl

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

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A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

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The Kindergartener

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.

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Famine in the forest

There was a huge famine in the forest, the animals were starving and they were desperate. One day, as the Bunny was walking down a path, he found a big basket of beautiful, large eggs right in the middle of the road. He counted the eggs: there were 20 of them! He was so happy! But there was no way he could have cooked more than one egg in his tiny bunny pan. So he headed towards the Bears' house to borrow his pan.

As he went down the road, he thought: "with this famine going on, the Bear will certainly want some of the eggs in exchange for his pan. Oh that's fair, even if he wants 5 eggs I'll still have 15!"

"But what If he will want 10?" he thought. "That's alright, 10 eggs will be enough for me."

As he was getting closer to the Bears' house he kept worrying: "what if he wants 15? But what if he wants all of them!?!?"

He knocked on the Bear's door. The Bear opened the door and the Bunny yelled:

"Hey, Bear, you know what!?! Fuck you and your damned pan!!!"

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How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

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Hide-and-seek with physicists

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!

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Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

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Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician was preforming for a large group of kids at a birthday party. He announced at the end of his act that he would now dissappear on the count of three. He grabbed his cape, counted "Uno! Dos!" and he disappeared without a tres.

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Did you know that if you counted up all the pies bought at football matches every weekend in the UK......

the chances are, you're autistic.

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My cousin, a Shoprite cashier, asked a customer "how many ears do you have in that bag", the customer counted and said "8", My cousin then replied "I was going to say you must have really good hearing, but I thought that would have been too corny!"

She claims she thought of this on the spot, I thought the double pun was pretty damn clever!

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5 Chuck Norris Jokes

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.
-Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris can divide 1337 by zero.

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A blonde girls first day of kindergarten.

A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mommy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's good, right?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, right?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane

It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman.
The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!!

"OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN'!!!!!", He Shouted....




Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off

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A joke I have been working on. I would appreciate help.

Charles Dickens is a renowned Victorian Era Novelist and play write. He Wrote a total of 15 books in his lifetime, but one of these books, The mystery of Edwin Drood, went unfinished. People were looking forward to the book, but it is apparent that Dickens hadn't even hashed out all of the details. Some don't even think it should be counted, which sort of upsets me. But I guess that just goes to show you,

You don't count your Dickens before they're hashed.

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blondes

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal! .

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she said. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

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The election of the new pope isn't finished!

Karl Rove says there's some cardinals in Ohio whose votes haven't been counted yet.

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There once was a maid from Peru

There once was a maid from Peru

Who had absolutely nothing to do

So she sat on the stairs

And counted cunt hairs

Six thousand, four hundred, and two.

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Blonde School Girl

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

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My teacher never counted naturally

He would always ask who wanted to gov2.5th or negative 12th

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Another blonde joke

A girl came skipping home from school one day and went to her mother. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl asked. Yes, it's because you're blonde, replied the mommy.

The next day, she skipped home again. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were reciting the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde.

The same thing happened the next day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, honey, it's because you're 24 years old.

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Yes, I love them,

Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!

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When the farmer counted his cows

When the farmer counted his cows he had 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200!

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best counted jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 29 puns about counted. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty counted gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these counted jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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