Cheerful Fun Counted Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?
He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
A farmer was counting his cows....
A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
A Farmer and his cows
A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Went to see a pirate doctor
and I pulled down my shirt and said, "I've got these eight spots on my back, is there anything I should be concerned about?" The pirate counted them and said, "There be nine."
I counted the times I was right in arguments with my girlfriend. I was right 1450 times and she was right 675 times.
She said it was very childish of me to count that. She was right about that, but that still leaves her at 676.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?
He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.
A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...
So he asked his border collie to count them from him.
The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.
"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.
"40" said the border collie.
"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."
The dog replies, "I rounded them up."
A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows...
...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.
You can explore counted billionare reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean counted count dad jokes. There are also counted puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was in the gym.
"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.
"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"
A sheep dog herds his sheep...
The farmer asks the dog, "Are my sheep ready?"
The dog answers, "Yes, all 30 of them!"
"Wait...I only counted 26," replies the farmer.
The dog tells the farmer, "Yeah, that's because I rounded them up!"
A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then p**...!
He was gone, without a tres.
There was a mexican magician...
...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"
And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Sometimes people ask me how many times I've counted to 11 in Spanish
Once.
I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...
She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,
"no, but you can have 8 bits."
A farmer and his dog are herding sheep.
They finish and his dog says "I have counted 40 sheep".
The farmer replies, "That's odd. I only got 37 ".
The dog replies "Well, I rounded them up".
A Mexican magician once counted...
Uno, dos and vanished without a tres.
Too many letters in the alphabet
A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students. As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26. After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.
She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphabet lesson. Again she counted the letters and this time she got 26!
Turned out that she had two p.
I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant...
but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...
So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows
But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
A Mexican magician said he could disappear in three seconds. So he counted, uno, dos, and then he was gone
He disappeared without a tres
Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?
He counted from uno to dos and disappeared without a tres.
A pirate goes to see his doctor
... to look at the spots on his arm.
After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, Nothing to worry about, they're benign.
The pirate says, No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!
I did my good deed for the day
I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.
When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"
"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."
"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"
A pirate goes to the doctor..
'Thar be strange moles me back'
Doctors has a look.
'They're benign'
'Check again matey,I counted 10'
Do you hear about the Hispanic magician who made himself vanish?
He counted uno, dos... and disappeared without a tres.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900.
A Mexican magician was performing a magic trick.
He counted Uno, Dos, and vanished without a Tres.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
You've given me one too many I said.
That one is a freebie
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees.
He counted and gave me 13.
Sir, you gave me an extra , I said.
That's a freebie.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
The year is 2077...
Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.
I just counted all the Trump jokes here again
It's still not enough
I want my 11780 dollars.
Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
The wife and I were getting frisky this morning and I asked her to use her hand to make me feel good
...so she counted out the number of hours left until Trump is no longer President.
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.
Sir, you gave me an extra. That's a freebie.
Just before a r**... had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,
"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary c**.... After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.
As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
I was watching a magician in Spain and he counted, "Uno, Dos"
And he vanished without a trace
Chernobyl
I know a man who just watched the series drama Chernobyl. He lives right outside of the place.
He says he counted 9 factual mistakes in the drama series on one hand
I went to a beekeeper.
I asked him for a dozen bees.
When he counted them out, there were 13.
I said "hey, you gave me an extra one."
He said "that's a freebie."
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them,
but when he rounded them up he had 200.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
The Sheepdog counter 40 sheep, the shepherd counted only 37
That's because the sheepdog rounded them up
What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?
**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**
A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.
The secretary says, I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.
The lumberjack replies, I actually cut down 237 trees.
Are you sure? , says the secretary, Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.
Sure, I'm sure, replies the lumberjack. I kept a log .
Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."
Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."
Source: 1913 newspaper
A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.
"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"
The mom replies, "That's great honey!"
Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes sweetie" says the mom.
The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! Today after gym class, everyone was taking a shower and had flat chests! While I had these!"
Jenny lifts her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Is it because I'm blonde?"
Embarrassed, the mom replies, "No honey, it's because you're 24"
Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.
Chuck Norris can divide by 0.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice
Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar
Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.
Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without factoring the coefficient within the expansion.
Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw an isosceles triangle with four perfectly identical vertices
Chuck Norris is so tough he can simplify an improper fraction without first dividing the denominator and using it to multiple the numerator.
A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...
The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was for 50.
The Apiarist replied: >!that's a free-bee!<
