Counted Jokes

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

You've given me one too many I said.

That one is a freebie

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

So he asked his border collie to count them from him.

The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer.

"So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer.

"40" said the border collie.

"How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38."

The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

A Farmer and his cows

A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

There was a mexican magician...

...Who said "On the count of three, I will vanish!"

And so he counted, "Uno... Dos..."

And then he vanished, without a tres.

A pirate goes to see his doctor

... to look at the spots on his arm.

After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, Nothing to worry about, they're benign.

The pirate says, No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!

A Mexican magician once counted...

Uno, dos and vanished without a tres.

Too many letters in the alphabet

A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students. As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26. After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.

She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphabet lesson. Again she counted the letters and this time she got 26!

Turned out that she had two p.

How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.

It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

blondes

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?

He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."

The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."

The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows

But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.

Are you looking for trouble?!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?

He counted from uno to dos and disappeared without a tres.

Blonde schoolgirl

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

The Kindergartener

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.

My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane

It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman.
The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!!

"OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN'!!!!!", He Shouted....




Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off

A Mexican magician said he could disappear in three seconds. So he counted, uno, dos, and then he was gone

He disappeared without a tres

I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant...

but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...

The teacher asked little Johnny..........

The teacher asked little Johnny, What's two and two? .
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, Four, teacher? .
She said, Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three .
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, Six, teacher? .
She said, Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five .
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, Eleven, teacher? .

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal! .

A Mexican magician was performing a magic trick.

He counted Uno, Dos, and vanished without a Tres.

How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.

The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.

After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rounded up 20 sheep's on the field. The shepherd was a bit confused because he did not have that many sheep's so he head out to the fields and counted his sheep. The shepherd counted 15 sheep's and wondered why his dog said 20.

He approached his dog and asked "there is only 15 sheep's in the field. Why did you say there were 20?"

The dog turns toward the shepherd and said "i know, but i rounded them up"

A pirate goes to the doctor..

'Thar be strange moles me back'
Doctors has a look.
'They're benign'
'Check again matey,I counted 10'

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

Sometimes people ask me how many times I've counted to 11 in Spanish

Once.

A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF!

He was gone, without a tres.

Mind Your Own Business

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Went to see a pirate doctor

and I pulled down my shirt and said, "I've got these eight spots on my back, is there anything I should be concerned about?" The pirate counted them and said, "There be nine."

A farmer and his dog are herding sheep.

They finish and his dog says "I have counted 40 sheep".

The farmer replies, "That's odd. I only got 37 ".

The dog replies "Well, I rounded them up".

I counted the times I was right in arguments with my girlfriend. I was right 1450 times and she was right 675 times.

She said it was very childish of me to count that. She was right about that, but that still leaves her at 676.

Do you hear about the Hispanic magician who made himself vanish?

He counted uno, dos... and disappeared without a tres.

A sheep dog herds his sheep...

The farmer asks the dog, "Are my sheep ready?"

The dog answers, "Yes, all 30 of them!"

"Wait...I only counted 26," replies the farmer.

The dog tells the farmer, "Yeah, that's because I rounded them up!"

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,

"no, but you can have 8 bits."

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance.

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance. A married couple watched from a bench.

The husband told his wife, "it looks like there's fifty protestors over there!"

"I only counted ten." responded his wife.

The husband turned back to her, "I said it *looks* like fifty."

There was a Spanish magician...

And he was performing for a crowd. He told the crowd that he would dissapear into thin air. So he counted:
UNO!
DOS!
And he dissapeared without a tres.

A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.

I was in the gym.

"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.

"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"

We have collected gags that can be used as Counted pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Counted, here are one liners and funny Counted pick up lines.

Joko Jokes